It's that time of year again when the holidays are among us. Friends family and loved ones near and far gather to enjoy each other's company. It's supposed to be a time of giving, being thankful, forgiveness, and love.
For some reason this year I'm having a very hard time with the holidays. I want to enjoy the meaning, not the gifts, food, of decor. The real true reason. Nobody else is on board.
I'm not sure why, or how to even fix it. I feel emotionally, physically, spiritually, medically and mentally drained/numb/indifferent. I can't remember what normal is, or what I even did 5 minutes ago. I am a mom to 1 girl and step to 3 girls. My husband is zero support, he is in this with me so the less I can vent to him the better.
Am I in pain or is this what normal people feel, what IS normal?
Am I ruining my girls because I'm so spacey and forgetful?
Will my daughter be forever scarred because her most formidable years were full of uncertainty and sick absent mommy?
Am I am asshole now?
Am I selfish?
How do you even communicate anymore?
What TF is even real?
What was a dream?
This whole almost 7 years of illness has wrecked the calm, fun, easy-going person I was. It's made me a bitter, sad, broken enigma. And admittedly, I don't like the shell of a person I am, and that's hard for me to even type. I know other people agree.
I blocked out so much subconsciously when I was in the throws of sickness. It comes back to me now in emotional memories. I feel now what I should have processed then. Oops. 😵
I should be better by now!
I should be able to leave my house without the fears of getting sepsis from the damn common cold! I should be stronger, pain free, and my cognitive skills shouldn't make me second guess my choices.
There's that taboo word. "Should".
So I'll just change it to "wish" instead and keep being thankful to be alive. It's just hard sometimes, like ALL the time.
I like hiding the hard times from everyone, even my support system. But they're hard, and I don't know how to feel anymore. I just know it's NOT this way, and these feelings will pass. Contemplating surgeries and hospital stays probably isn't helping.
Why does the cold always make me feel so cold inside😣🥴😷.