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The Endless Limbo of Being Immunocompromised During the Pandemic

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Living during a pandemic is terrifying for just about all of us, but what if you are already chronically ill and immunocompromised? What then? That’s what I’m here to discuss with you all.

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I have a long list of illnesses and I’m severely immunocompromised. I’m not only afraid to leave my home, but I’m afraid to see my doctors. You see, going to the hospital my doctors are at is a high risk for me. There are COVID patients being treated there and it’s not a risk I can take. Therefore I forgo testing, procedures, check-ups, and therapy I desperately need. I feel like I’m stuck on house arrest or in some limbo I cannot escape from.

What’s most upsetting to me is that selfishness is the reason this is so out of control. Would COVID still be an issue? Absolutely. But if people practiced social distancing, things wouldn’t be this out of control.

My agoraphobia is back with a vengeance, but this time around it’s valid. It’s no longer just my anxiety making me think the worst. It’s as if my past issues with agoraphobia were preparing me for all this. I almost died giving birth last year and now I fear the reaper is breathing down my neck. I’ve had friends that are the picture of health almost lose their lives to this virus. The chances of me beating death again are slim, and that is terrifying to me.

I never feared death quite as much as I do now. Giving birth to my daughter gave me the will to fight much harder than I ever have. People want to say the virus is a hoax. People complain about mandatory masks and keep crying about their “rights.” Well, I have a right to be safe. I have a right to survive. I have a right to watch my daughter grow up! I’m immunocompromised and I deserve to live.

I’ve heard people say “Well it’s just the elderly and immunocompromised.” First off, this virus is killing healthy people as well as the ill. Secondly, do we not matter? It not only hurts, but it also makes me angry. We fight every day and now we have to stay inside and avoid the outside world. Being disabled was already lonely, but it’s even worse now. I miss my friends, I miss nature, and I miss the little things we all took for granted. I even miss going grocery shopping and I wasn’t a big fan of it.

The bottom line is, please take this seriously. Please wear a mask even though it’s uncomfortable. Please social distance even if it’s lonely. This virus is real and it’s killed almost 200,000 people. It may just be a number to you, but for those left behind, just one of those people was their whole world.

Getty image by Kris Cole.

Originally published: September 21, 2020
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