emotionalflashbacks

I did it. I’ve wanted a bike for years. I have flashbacks around wanting things but that has been a bit easier after months of work in EMDR. But going through the steps to actually get the thing I want still triggers intense emotional flashbacks. My husband helped me through it. When we got to the used bike shop I was lost and dissociated just standing next to the bikes. He gently encouraged me to get on some of the bikes and try them out. It took awhile to pick one, but I did it despite my brain being thick with derealization. I had one moment of joy, actually grinning while riding my new, dirty, brake squeaking bike. Then the second round of flashbacks kicked in, my nervous system bracing to be ridiculed and shamed for getting something I wanted.
The rest of the evening I struggled with the aftermath of the flashbacks.

And yet… I did it! I cleaned the bike up and my husband is ordering new brake pads. A year ago I would have talked myself out of doing this. I’ve talked myself out of things I want for years. I woke up this morning with an overwhelming sense of dread from some unknown source. But my bike is still outside and I can go for a bike ride today. It feels like baby steps and yet like 30 years of time travel. I feel grateful and anxious and hopeful and exhausted all mixed into a confusing ball. But I’m also so proud of myself. #PTSD #ComplexPTSD #emotionalflashbacks #EatingDisorder #Anorexia