Childhood Sexual Abuse

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Childhood Sexual Abuse
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I have a tendency to place unjust blame on myself which then leads a pervasive sense of shame. Which in turn leads to me incorrectly believing that everyone is mad at me for everything. If someone slightly changes their tone of voice for example I often think they're annoyed or even angry with me. Usually I'm wrong though. Before I realize I'm wrong I often go into an anxiety attack brought on by having my PTSD triggered or I go emotionally numb. I shut people out, even when they want to help. I become distrustful and figure that if I just keep to myself then I don't have to risk being hurt again. This vicious cycle has been occupying my life currently. I've been working really hard to tell myself that not everything bad that happens is my fault, or that not everyone is mad at me. When I think someone is mad at me I almost revert to a younger state of mind. I lock myself away because I learned early on that if I just complied then everything would be relatively okay. Even when I froze and fawned while being sexually assaulted, I had the same mindset. This mindset has followed me around for most of my life. The sexual abuse I went through as a child combined with the emotional abuse created a pervasive sense of shame and endless guilt. I typically focus on the sexual abuse because it's what is most recent in my memory. However I want to try unpacking the emotional abuse too. It sounds weird to say that I was emotionally abused as well. What does that even mean? I suppose this vicious cycle of self-hate, self-blame, anxiety and endless guilt stems from both forms of abuse. I was wondering how I could begin unpacking it. I just wish I could handle the situation better rather than having it occupy my life. I guess the first step is even realizing it happened, then naming it. I just wish it wasn't so intense sometimes.

#PTSD #ChildhoodSexualAbuse #SexualAssault #EmotionalAbuse #Trauma #Healing #struggling #NeedSupport

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How to deal with losing your meaning in life?

Hello! I'm new here and was wondering if anyone is going through the same thing or had some advice.

Backstory: I had an abusive childhood from my father and the only thing that kept me quiet and kept me from hurting myself was protecting my sister from the abuse. When I finally did tell, no one believed me. My sister and I are estranged from each other because she doesn't believe me. (Both adults) Since she was my meaning in life, I have no idea what I am fighting for anymore.

Question: Does anybody have any advice on how to find a new meaning in life? Has anyone found meaning in their life? #ChildhoodSexualAbuse #MajorDepressiveDisorder

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Today my boy, Serico turned 2yrs. old! As you can see he opened his gifts and is enjoying the boxes and paper. I look at him and just can't believe it's been 2 years already. Serico brings so much to my life, he's the reason I wake up every day and stick around for tomorrow..
✌️💝👣🐾 #Childhood trauma survivor# C-PTSD#DistractMe #GAD #emotionalflashbacks #ChildhoodSexualAbuse #live4today4getyesterday

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*TW* Abuse and the Cone of Silence

I’m watching the Jimmy Savile documentary. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse myself, the thing that intrigues me is how many signs there can be about a person, and even more shockingly, how often society ignores such red flags.

As an example, I reported our garden landscaper to child services for endangering his children some years ago. He had brought his young child to work on our property with an open industrial cutting blade in operation… and as we later found without any insurance. I was deeply uneasy about the child essentially working on our property and eventually my husband asked him to take his kid home because though he was ‘spending time with dad’, he was also doing so unsupervised and anything could have gone wrong. When it became clear that he had no intention of completing our garden, I started to gather screenshots from his social media to pass on to the authorities as evidence. It was then that I found pictures of both kids from when they were even younger regularly ‘helping dad with work’. He even bragged about one of them getting better with their garden skills, amd that is when I decided to raise my concerns with child protective services.

Because if I know one thing to be true; whatever questionable material someone is willing to post online, is the merely tip of the iceberg in terms of what they’re actually willing to do, or have done.

In our guy’s case it turned out money laundering, was also something he was willing to engage in—yet he isn’t in prison or on probation, he’s out there possibly looking to line up the next victim because I think conmen seldom know how to do anything other than con. Manson, Bundy, Zodiac, Madoff, Ponzi, Delvey, Holmes, Shkreli, Epstein, Maxwell, and Savile are all united in the sense that the accumulation of power and a desire to wield the hammer of power is at the heart of all acts of abuse. As the saying goes: absolute power, corrupts absolutely.

Though our conman has been reported via the appropriate channels, the wheels of justice in a country that is supposedly a first world nation, move painfully slow. And I’ve learned by baptism of fire, that the wheels won’t move at all unless you make enough noise—in my case I was forced to act as an unofficial coordinator amongst the victims at the urging of government agencies. Had I not used up my own time in this manner, the case against this person would have never amounted to anything at all.

And yet this is just a straightforward case of a cowboy builder… which begs the question of what hope do the victims of physical crimes stand? Or worse, those that are so vulnerable, that they cannot defend themselves?

Whether it is sexual, physical, psychological, emotional or financial abuse, it seems to me that there are always enablers.

For Jimmy Savile it was the BBC, the media, and his connection to public figures such as the Royal Family to all manner of celebrities, that likely stopped the CPS from investigating him several times throughout his career. For my conman I had every ‘bloke’s bloke’ in the village tell me off for “ruining” this man’s livelihood , including many verbally abusive messages from one of his mates undoubtedly with the intention of intimidating me. And yet I was not the one who had chosen to defraud members of our village to the tune of over £50,000, though I’m sure the true figure is likely much higher. And so many people who I got in touch with, told me that they’d simply written their financial loss off as a bad experience.

Here is where I take issue. For if every person before me had reported this man, chances are he would not have been free to continue his grift for as long as he did. And, it seems people don’t give much thought to elderly people who if conned, cannot simply go out and earn more money—they go without basic things like food and heating during the winter. Which in my mind to have contributed in any way toward the suffering of another is frankly unconscionable, even if the link is not direct, our failure to act on knowledge is to enable someone.

For my part I wish every person who looked the other way, was were forced to wear a Cone of Silence for upholding the Code of Silence that goes hand in hand with all instances of harmful conduct. If I witness a crime, flee the scene, and refuse to give testimony, then I would be perverting the course of justice (a fitting, yet unintentional pun).

This is not to say that the person committing the crime is not solely to blame for their actions, or to shame the victims. I’m saying that for every Jimmy Savile; there is at the very least one person who knew something and failed to do anything about it. The look the other way mentality that allows many abusers the freedom to keep abusing.

Abusers do not truly act alone, the Code of Silence becomes their co-conspirator and in my opinion those who areof sane mind who enable abuse of any kind should be held to account for their silence. And we as a collective society set the stage for perpetrators to more easily get away with abuse by upholding idioms and credos like “bro code”, “snitches get stitches”, “don’t tattletale”, “what was she wearing”, “stay in your own lane”, and that festering old chestnut “it’s a family issue”.

It is for this reason in my opinion; that as long as society continues to justify looking the other way in this manner, abuse will be here to stay.

#Abuse #AbuseSurvivors #DomesticAbuse #DomesticAbuseSurvivors #EmotionalAbuse #PsychologicalAbuse #SexualAbuseSurvivors #SexualAbuse #ChildhoodSexualAbuse #ChildhoodEmotionalAbuse #Trauma

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Tips for writing and publishing ebook

Has anyone wrote and published an ebook about their abuse and the effects the trauma had plus how one worked through their trauma , such as therapy, self help groups, etc? Should I write about my entire life from when I was born up til now, or just dive right into the topic of CSA and include statistics and write about my life before and after the trauma? I will say this- my trauma was severely devastating to me personally, and my story will open people’s eyes as to how much it affected me and many who read my story will react with OMG and some will be angry and motivated to start demanding big changes to the laws regarding those SOL’s which put time limits on how long victim/survivors have to come forward and prosecute their abuser, people will push to eliminate these as well as demand increased punishments for offenders, no more light sentences or slaps on the wrist. My story will also show that the effects of child sexual abuse are truly unlimited, there is no limit to the pain and devastation it can have on a victim/survivor’s life. I also will publish under a pen name if possible so I have a little anonymity while getting my story out there. My main priority is to motivate others to pressure congress to do more about this issue and save other kids out there from suffering this devastating and life altering trauma. Tips for getting my story into an ebook like how many pages it should be and how I should talk about my life before and after the trauma, how much detail I should include, will be very helpful and greatly appreciated.

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The perfect crime

While unlike in the poem, his hand did have me slain, I wanted to share it. I resonate a lot with it. I also feel like often times, people forget the power words have. Words can become bullets that will rip the soul apart and throw the mind into chaos.
We have difficulty explaining the damage caused to those that have never been hit, because this damage is invisibe.
You will never see it, but I will always feel it.
No evidence left behind, while I carry the consequences for the rest of my life.
I was innocent, yet I am the one suffering.

#CPTSD #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #ChildhoodEmotionalAbuse #ChildhoodSexualAbuse

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Heart in chains

I’m sure you can relate to my drawing. My heart is chained up in 4 ways without a lock. It’s in a box so secure it will be hard for anyone to open. #MajorDepressiveDisorder #ChildhoodSexualAbuse #PTSD #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorde

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Severe thunderstorm

I love severe thunderstorms I find them fascinating. I can relate to tornados and it’s rage. Tornados are my anxiety & negative intrusive thoughts plus my #MajorDepressiveDisorder #PTSD #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorde #ChildhoodSexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse