I'm just done with the day. I have to go to my brother's step daughter's birthday party tomorrow. My brother is the only one I am close to at all in my family. I already didn't want to go. Just because it's a social thing and I don't particularly like that. Then today I find out that my mother and my sister are also going. This is already f'n strange because they never go to events of any kind. Don't even get me started with that!! But, for some whatever reason, (I'm sure to be nosy and then have some shit to go back and talk) they are going tomorrow. I can't take it. They are both HUGE triggers for me! I can' stand them. I can't even stand the thought of being around them. Let alone having to be civil and smile and be "respectful" to them. I immediately am filled with feelings of anger, anxiety, like just anxious, feel my temperature rising, heart getting faster, feel tears almost coming, want to get up and pace around the floor and punch something. I can't f'ing handle it!! And all I keep thinking is I need a f'ing drink!! In the past if this situation presented itself, that's what I would do. I would just have a drink or two before going and then drink more when I get there. Well, FUCK, now I can't!! And I am betting my brother and sis n law will more than likely be drinking also. Which normally...whatever, I would deal with it. But with my sis and mom being there, it's going to kill me!! I want to back out so bad! I just want to message him and tell him I can't come. He'll know why. But it will hurt him I'm sure.
I text my husband and tell him and I'm like, why the f they gotta go? He is usually supportive. He just responds, well your brother probably invited them. I respond, well no shit! 🙄🤦♀️ His response was not what I wanted to hear and just pisses me off further.
I tell myself, this is stupid and I need to get the f over it! Like really. WTF?!! Grow the F up!!!
#Anxiety #Depression #triggers #Addiction #PTSD #SuicideSurvivor #Family #anger