triggers

I realize that I do ruminate. I’ve been in therapy for over 2 years. My Counsellor is great. She has taught me how to ground myself when things get to be too much. It doesn’t work lately. When I go to therapy, the things I learn, or have learned made me understand myself more. But the smallest things set my emotions in motion. The smallest thing can affect me now. Words, objects, movies, music, relationships, …my mind plays that tape over and over again. It really sucks,!because I start to think of self-harm, thoughts of suicide. My husband is being distant. It puts things in perspective, I have been like this for our 20 years together…what is he feeling. I feel selfish. I’m a horrible wife, he’s been there for me unconditionally. I want to do better, but how do I do that when those damn tapes play and play in my head. I hate myself so much. I am a selfish burden. I hate this…whatever.

For my mental health sake, I sincerely ask if you could please censor c*v*d-19 (o, i) or the other words, p*nd*mic (a, e), and q**rantine (ua) or leave them out entirely before posting any comments. Thank you, you’re the best!
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Before I say anything, I just want everybody to know that I am not intending to be/sound rude when I say any of this.

Saying that “well, *trigger word* is not going to go away” or “it is what it is” are the least helpful things you can say to someone with triggers, because to me, it feels like you’re saying “welp, you’re screwed for the rest of your life” and for the latter “I simply don’t care”, even if you’re not intending to sound that way.

Yes, I still have these words as my triggers everyday. It still brings me flashbacks whenever I fucking hear any of the words and how much of a sad life I’m still in (and I already have mostly negative views about society) because I unintentionally drag myself into that very sad period of 2020 and beyond.

I’m trying to work this over with my therapist, but I haven’t because there’s a thousand things that happen with me and are on my fucking mind everyday, and if not everyday, then most days (traumatic flashbacks, being overstimulated by youngest nephew constantly, stress dreams, trying to make time for all 7 of my queerplatonic partners (yes, it’s healthy, non-romantic, and consensual) and trying to be perfect around them all the time (I should probably stop doing that), waiting to move out of here already into a more safer and quieter environment, extreme social dysphoria as a non-binary individual, etc. etc.)

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #SocialAnxiety #Trauma #Anxiety #triggers #normalizetriggerwarnings #overstimulated #overwhelmed #triggerwarning #venting #LGBTQIA #MentalHealth

I am a survivor of #Suicide . I live with the guilt every. damn. day. So why tell my story now? I want to feel liberated. I want to #EndTheStigma . And I want people to know why and how and when. So that maybe they can see the signs or the #triggers for someone they love who might be struggling.

This is me. This is my story. And this is me at my most vulnerable.

First, an introduction. I’m a 36-year-old, former PR pro turned #sahm and housewife. I struggle with #Depression and extreme #Anxiety . I’m #neurodivergent , you’ll quickly come to realize just how #ADHD I really am, and I’ve recently been diagnosed with #borderlinepersonality disorder.

So that's me. Definitely not a princess and I don't wear a cape. I'm still hopeful for a happily ever after, though.

And now, some context.

It's important to understand that I've felt unlovable all of my life. Growing up in a traumatic home and seeing more hate than love had its toll on me. And being emotionally abused and neglected as a child and having it continued through my adulthood continually makes me feel unworthy of love. Despite my efforts to be the best daughter I can possibly be, I get constant reminders of my selfishness. My unhelpfulness. My failures. It's just facts. I'm in therapy, don't worry.

It wasn't until I met my husband at 19 years old that I experienced unconditional love from someone other than my brother, my grandparents (RIP), and my pets. To this day, I still don't believe it or understand it. I'm hard to love and I don't grasp how someone can love all of me - with everything that comes with me. Skeletons and all. I still don't love myself. I'm in therapy, don't worry ;-)

Ok, now for the story.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: depression, suicide, self-harm, self-hate.

It was the morning of Monday, November 18, 2019. I had suffered a weeklong streak of migraines and hadn't left our bed in almost as long. I was depressed, and I was well off meds because I couldn't keep food or water down. I was exhausted and hopeless. At the time, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, #Insomnia , and ADHD. I was in a complete state of psychosis. I had no idea and neither did my husband.

In the most loving way possible, my husband was over my sickness and depression. He'd been single parenting our 4-year-old for over a week, and he needed his wife back. We fought. About what, I can't remember. It doesn't matter but whatever it was sent me into a downward spiral I couldn't climb out of.

This is where everything gets foggy, or completely dark. My mind has blocked most if not all of the rest.

Like a zombie (or so I'm told), I got out of bed, threw on some scrubby clothes, got my son dressed and fed, and walked him over to the neighbor's house for childcare that day. I don't remember any of that part, at all. My hubby said my face was blank and my eyes were vacant.

In my brain, the wheels were already turning. This was a feeling I was intimately familiar with. My comfort blanket. How many different ways could I imagine dying this time? If only I could just disappear and not come back. It would be so easy. So simple. No one would miss me. I'm a burden to so many. They're basically living without me already.

After dropping my son off at daycare, I returned to bed. Hubby had more words with me before leaving for work. After he was gone, I googled, "How much Xanax does it take to kill yourself?" and "Can you die from too many muscle relaxers?"

Five minutes later, I swallowed my entire prescription: 30 tablets of 2mg #Xanax .

As a topper, I also poured 15 muscle relaxers down my throat, left over from my car accident in early April. Or was it from my wisdom tooth removal? So many procedures and pain meds and illicit prescriptions to choose from. I then ditched the bottles to make it harder for the EMTs to identify what I'd taken. I'd planned this meticulously in my mind for years.

I sat forward and said my goodbyes to the dogs. The longest goodbye and cries for Duke, of course. Kisses for Cooper; he couldn't understand what was happening, but Duke was completely aware. Duke jumped on the bed and put his head in my lap. I cried as I said my goodbyes out loud to my son (as if he could hear me from afar), reassuring him that his life would be full of joy and accomplishments without the burden of his overweight, depressed, mess of a mom. I'd be there in spirit, I said. Watching him succeed and rooting him on, always. I cried and wished that my husband would find new love and hope. That all his dreams and wishes would come true. That life would be good for him because he is an amazing man that deserves the world.

I drifted off.

When I awoke two days later I was hooked up to machines from my neck and both wrists. My husband was right by my side and my brother came into view.

I remember thinking, "Fuck, how the FUCK am I still here?!"

So here's what I'm told.

After hubby left for work, he ran a few errands close to home. Before getting on the freeway, however, he got a *weird feeling* in his gut and decided to backtrack home to check on me before heading into Seattle for work. Thank god he did. He saved my life and he will forever be my hero.

When my husband arrived home, he called out for me. Nothing.

He found me upstairs, unconscious and blue in the face. I was halfway fallen off the bed.

He called 911 and immediately started CPR at the operator's direction.

It was six long minutes before paramedics arrived.

They couldn't identify what I'd taken and were unsure if Narcan should be used for overdose.

My heart had stopped. I wasn't breathing.

It took nearly 8 minutes for them to get a heartbeat.

With a faint heartbeat, I was quickly transferred to the ambulance and rushed to NW Hospital in North Seattle. After life-saving measures were taken, I'm told that doctors placed me in an induced coma to allow my organs to heal and regain strength after shutting down. I was on a ventilator to support my lungs, and another machine to pump my heart. Once the doctors took me out of the coma, they slowly removed me from the heart machine as I grew stronger. The ventilator came next. I finally awoke.

What's happened next? You'll have to follow my next posts to read more.

#MentalHealthAwareness #MentalHealth #SuicidePrevention #depressionsucks

I must admit, since being back home from inpatient, a lot of the things I learned there got put on the backburner. There were definitely times I used what I learned, but not to the amount I wanted and needed to.

I did (and still do) want to take it all slow and be patient with myself. However, a few problems I had to deal with lately made me realize that I was using avoidance and procrastination like I used to.

I have had this habit of avoiding difficult situations, or situations where I or someone else could get hurt. Logically so, but that's me trying to stay in control of things that I am not logically able to control. Regardless of whether or not I am in the situation things could go bad for me or that other person. Except in some of these situations there is also potential for good experiences and greatness if I do get involved.

Pushing people or experiences away automatically doesn't give you that opportunity, and it's time to start believing that I (we) deserve happiness and it's not our responsibility to shield others from hurt that is not in our control. I (we) can't constantly put others needs and possibilities at happiness before our own. The truth is that maybe both you and those other people deserve that opportunity, but that doesn't mean you need to remove yourself from that just because you don't want any hand, no matter how miniscule, in making someone sad.

If I (we) avoid any situation where it can happen, I (we) might as well do nothing, because life is unpredictable and sucky sometimes. Sometimes we have to grit our teeth or white-knuckle through it for a moment. These situations can be very scary and based on very real and logical situations that have hurt us or traumatized us. So, it will be scary, but I am now way better equipped to deal with a situation if it does become like a traumatic experience.

I don't want to miss out on a great friendship, relationship, job, general experience, etc., just because I haven't done it before or because it scares me.

#PTSD #BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Trauma #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #Avoidance #triggers #Procrastination

I've written about this before but there are certain places that are associated with my trauma. I'd like to revisit those places because I do like them but there are negative connotations surrounding those places. My abusers took me to those places but at the same time I miss those places. I have a fear of being triggered in public. When I get triggered, I can't breathe which leads to further panic. I would be embarrassed if that happened to me in public. I know I am stopping myself but I don't know what to do. If anyone has any advice I'd greatly appreciate it. Thank you.

#ChildhoodAbuse #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #triggers #PTSD

I have come to realize that dealing with salesmen is highly triggering for me. This is because of the real or imagined pressure that I feel to make a quick decision and to spend money. To add to this, some salesmen (as part of their job) will not accept my NO the first time, and try to manipulate it into a YES.

I first realized this last year when I went to purchase a single tanning session. After saying I just wanted a single and not a monthly purchase, I had to explain myself MULTIPLE TIMES. I ended up breaking down and briefly crying. For a trauma survivor saying no ONCE is hard enough, but to say it multiple times is excruciating and sometimes feels impossible because then my fawning patterns kick in and sometimes my no is changed to a yes. And then I berate myself after I leave, unhappy with myself and the purchase, as well as the fact that I was manipulated into buying something I didn't want or was unsure of.

Aside from this, I am someone who takes a while to make decisions. I need time to think, weigh pros & cons, and use process of elimination from my top picks. This is not easy to do when someone is standing there watching and waiting for you. I am extremely uncomfortable being watched during my decision making process. Sometimes, I can sense their annoyance with me and I end up apologizing unnecessarily.

I am trying to "toughen up" to these salesmen, because I know the real root of the issue is my past abusers who consistently rushed me, picked apart every single decision I made, blamed me for said "wrong" decision, and refused to accept the answer no from me. Also, salesmen do sometimes use coercive, dismissive, dominating, & minimizing tactics, so they often are very manipulative like my abusers. In fact, one of my ex-abusers was an insurance salesman.

Who else gets triggered by salesmen?

#CPTSD #PTSD #triggers #SocialAnxiety #decisionmaking #agorophobia #manipulativebehavior #nomeansno #complexposttraumaticstressdiso rder #Anxiety