24 years Married
30 years together
He doesn't even try
Why do I stay?
24 years Married
30 years together
He doesn't even try
Why do I stay?
I must admit, since being back home from inpatient, a lot of the things I learned there got put on the backburner. There were definitely times I used what I learned, but not to the amount I wanted and needed to.
I did (and still do) want to take it all slow and be patient with myself. However, a few problems I had to deal with lately made me realize that I was using avoidance and procrastination like I used to.
I have had this habit of avoiding difficult situations, or situations where I or someone else could get hurt. Logically so, but that's me trying to stay in control of things that I am not logically able to control. Regardless of whether or not I am in the situation things could go bad for me or that other person. Except in some of these situations there is also potential for good experiences and greatness if I do get involved.
Pushing people or experiences away automatically doesn't give you that opportunity, and it's time to start believing that I (we) deserve happiness and it's not our responsibility to shield others from hurt that is not in our control. I (we) can't constantly put others needs and possibilities at happiness before our own. The truth is that maybe both you and those other people deserve that opportunity, but that doesn't mean you need to remove yourself from that just because you don't want any hand, no matter how miniscule, in making someone sad.
If I (we) avoid any situation where it can happen, I (we) might as well do nothing, because life is unpredictable and sucky sometimes. Sometimes we have to grit our teeth or white-knuckle through it for a moment. These situations can be very scary and based on very real and logical situations that have hurt us or traumatized us. So, it will be scary, but I am now way better equipped to deal with a situation if it does become like a traumatic experience.
I don't want to miss out on a great friendship, relationship, job, general experience, etc., just because I haven't done it before or because it scares me.
#PTSD #BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Trauma #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #Avoidance #triggers #Procrastination
I've written about this before but there are certain places that are associated with my trauma. I'd like to revisit those places because I do like them but there are negative connotations surrounding those places. My abusers took me to those places but at the same time I miss those places. I have a fear of being triggered in public. When I get triggered, I can't breathe which leads to further panic. I would be embarrassed if that happened to me in public. I know I am stopping myself but I don't know what to do. If anyone has any advice I'd greatly appreciate it. Thank you.
#ChildhoodAbuse #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #triggers #PTSD
I have come to realize that dealing with salesmen is highly triggering for me. This is because of the real or imagined pressure that I feel to make a quick decision and to spend money. To add to this, some salesmen (as part of their job) will not accept my NO the first time, and try to manipulate it into a YES.
I first realized this last year when I went to purchase a single tanning session. After saying I just wanted a single and not a monthly purchase, I had to explain myself MULTIPLE TIMES. I ended up breaking down and briefly crying. For a trauma survivor saying no ONCE is hard enough, but to say it multiple times is excruciating and sometimes feels impossible because then my fawning patterns kick in and sometimes my no is changed to a yes. And then I berate myself after I leave, unhappy with myself and the purchase, as well as the fact that I was manipulated into buying something I didn't want or was unsure of.
Aside from this, I am someone who takes a while to make decisions. I need time to think, weigh pros & cons, and use process of elimination from my top picks. This is not easy to do when someone is standing there watching and waiting for you. I am extremely uncomfortable being watched during my decision making process. Sometimes, I can sense their annoyance with me and I end up apologizing unnecessarily.
I am trying to "toughen up" to these salesmen, because I know the real root of the issue is my past abusers who consistently rushed me, picked apart every single decision I made, blamed me for said "wrong" decision, and refused to accept the answer no from me. Also, salesmen do sometimes use coercive, dismissive, dominating, & minimizing tactics, so they often are very manipulative like my abusers. In fact, one of my ex-abusers was an insurance salesman.
Who else gets triggered by salesmen?
#CPTSD #PTSD #triggers #SocialAnxiety #decisionmaking #agorophobia #manipulativebehavior #nomeansno #complexposttraumaticstressdiso rder #Anxiety
#PTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #triggers #CPTSD #innerchild #Selflove #Selfcompassion #selfforgiveness #curiosity #Innercritic
My heart is racing and there is a tightening in my chest. I can't breathe. I feel out of control and beyond scared. I am panicked. I feel lightheaded and dizzy. I have a headache. What's happening? I'm not manic. I never feel this way when I'm manic. I'm triggered. I try to picture myself in a safe place where my abusers aren't present but just the thought of them and what they did take over my mind and send me into a panic. I want to move past this. I want to enjoy things. So I have to shift my focus.
I don't think I'll ever move past all my triggers because some are unavoidable. I have to accept that and take it in stride. Therapy and medications can only manage the condition but I believe it is also a mindset. Whenever I start to feel overwhelmed I redirect my attention and thought challenge my negative thoughts. Sadly I tend to think the worst most of the time but if I just shift my focus to more positive things then I can work with my triggers. I can go to places that I want to go to.
If I choose to work with my triggers rather then against them then I can accomplish my goals. Shifting focus can also help me to see positives in life too. When my Bipolar Depression kicks in it makes it harder to see the positives. Even then I can find something to be grateful for.
Showing myself grace when I do get depressed and triggered is one of the ways I can help myself learn, heal and grow. I urge all of you to shift your focus and show yourself some grace. It's been 4 years of healing from years of abuse but the more I shift my focus the more I can accelerate my healing. I am no where near completely healed but I can say that I am getting there each day. I pray that all of you can do the same. Love and light to you all.
#PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #positive #Life #Healing #focus #Depression #Anxiety #triggers #TherapySkills #peace #Love #Spirirtuality
Whenever I think of a place I've been or a place I'd like to revisit I become overcome with sadness and anxiety. Sometimes the anxiety is so bad that I get triggered (where I struggle to breathe). For example, there is a theatre that I like to go to that I used to go to with my family. I would like to revisit it but I'm also afraid of getting triggered in public.
Through therapy I have found out that it is not the places that I am avoiding. It's the memories associated with those places. Even if I just see pictures of certain places my mind and emotions start to spiral. I so badly want to do a lot of things but now being aware that my family (who abused me) took me to those places makes it really hard. The times that weren't so bad in between the abusive times were times when we would go out and do stuff.
How do I overcome my fear of being triggered in public if I do decide to visit these places? In therapy we have talked about ways to stop the emotional spiraling but it still happens. I guess I should just let it happen sometimes. Thanks for reading. I believe in all of you.
#Childhoodtrauma #PTSD #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #Trauma #triggers #Memories #Family
Is avoidance the best way to handle triggers? #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #triggers
So I'm in Walgreens prescription & booster shot. I decided to get a few things & thought I would finish before shot. Didn't, so decided I would get prescription before they close or I forgot. Pharmacist gives me prescription & says have a seat be right with you. I put my shopping basket down, place my personal bag on top. I thought I was being honest, and start taking off coat. Woman walks by saying you have your bag ontop of groceries. "Oh I know I'm getting a booster shot I haven't paid for this yet. I'm not done shopping." You have a prescription? "Yes I paid for that but I'm not done yet." Tries to walk away with my basket. "Mam! I'm still shopping can I have my basket back" Pharmacist is like is everything ok? I overheard lady telling staff to keep an eye on me.
I'm on my way home now. The pharmacist was super nice. Finished my shopping. When I checked out I asked cashier to look in my bag so I wouldn't be harassed after check out. Turns out cashier was a manager. He apologized said I was ok.
But I'm upset. I started swearing & I don't swear. Wtf!!? #Harrassement #Anxiety #bullies #anger #Depression #triggers #emotional Pain #painful #suffering #isolated
A combination of environmental, psychological, and biological factors. Bullying or teasing may create or foster the feelings of inadequacy, shame, and fear of ridicule.
Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is a serious mental illness. This is a psychiatric disorder that is related to obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). It most commonly begins around puberty, and it affects both men and women#BDD #triggers