This quote above from the wounded genius Van Gogh... he speaks for so many of us I suppose. He certainly speaks for me. The passion, energy and enthusiasm that has marked my work - as a teacher, as a teacher trainer and resource person. Then my writings, my blogs and my photography. They all remain totally nowhere and in nobody’s cognition, consciousness. If at all, then in certain disdainment, dismissal and even contempt. But the soliloquies I continue with. I carry on. The desire to be vindicated, acknowledged becomes more acute when you are totally lonely. You have been hit and repeatedly assaulted by setbacks - personal and professional. Your sense of self worth and dignity has been violated. Yet you want to live, move on. You crave for some feel good sensation, some hope and meaning. Some twigs, shriveled leaves is all that come my way in the stream of misery I wade in and I latch on. That’s kept me alive so far. Yet if this wasn’t bad enough, people think I reek of self pity. Nothing can be more humiliating. Yes, the ‘I’ reigns... ego hurts and is squished. Is this Gods way of rendering a lesson - to negate the I in face of such grave misfortunes and thereby nullifying the pain, grief, sorrow and loneliness I’m assailed with? Such a discourse is given by many... today very such ego filled mortals who have had all the material fortunes and emotional comforts and barely have faced a fraction of the agony the traumatized go through serve such homilies. They are people benefited from all the positives life has accrued to their egoistic self. In effect I’m subject to another insult though such a discourse of seeming enlightened counsel but in effect is one of smug display of power by such faux Buddhas and neo-gurus with their glib sermons on art & engineering of living. I’m ordinary like many. I’m no outlier. Besides, I wonder what truly relieves ones loneliness? For me, a person who thrives only in network of love, of intimate kind... her presence to share my ‘being’, and in-turn share hers- her ‘being’ expressed in her bodily presence, her talk, her smell, her smiles, her hugs, her poise, her gaze... Friends can’t take that place. Your counselor certainly cannot. They can be helpful no doubt but are no antidote to loneliness. For people like me and I would imagine every human deserves that one amorous partner to be so around to care, to talk, to hold and more... and so mutually. Alas! Today her absence that could have so glued my shattered self is gone, beyond my reach! And I smolder consumed by loathing, craving, loss and grief! 😢 #Loneliness #lossofalovedone #cravingforlove #SuicidalThoughts #failedrelationships