Pregnancy Fears #Pregnancy #CPTSD #DissociativeIdentityDisorder
CW: medical, pregnancy, C-section, cPTSD, DID, trauma
I am struggling really hard right now. Normally I take CBD and Bupropin to help with my syptoms of cPTSD/DID. I just learned that I am about 4-5 weeks pregnant and while this is a good and planned for thing, I was not prepared for how hard the anxiety and pain would return when I stopped using CBD a few days ago, when I got a positive test.
I will not take an SSRI, I had a horrible experience with them a few years ago and other than "well, just try a bubble bath" I can't find many safe options. (Even the SSRIs come with higher chance of risk than CBD, which is interesting since they are deemed safe to take while pregnant) I am not asking for suggestions as I knoe this is not the appropriate place to ask for medical advice, I just really need to get this off my chest.
My first pregnancy and delivery were a complete nightmare. My doctor messed up and I wound up feeling everything during my emergency C-section (brought on by a seizure that happened because he put me on pitocin, knowing that I am prone to febrile seizures) and nerve damage in my back from their fumbled attempts to numb me. The excuse was that they proceeded as such due to me being Blackfoot (American Indian) and that I wouldn't feel it as much as other women due to my genetics. I doubt I have to tell most of you that's completely false, I feel pain just as much as a Black, White, Asian, or any other type of woman. So I am dealing with those anxieties added to the usual mix of cPTSD/DID symptoms.
I am very fortunate to have an amazing partner who is so supportive and loving. He's doing everything he can and our older kiddo is 11 now, I refuse to burden them with all this, but they realize I am not 100% right now and are also being incredibly wonderful and helpful. I also have my service pitty Nike who never leaves my side and is laying with me and keeping me somewhat calm as I write this.
I cannot turn to my parents or other family, we don't talk as they are the reason for my brain damage, chronic pain and cPTSD/DID.
We already love this baby and want them so much, I just wish I knew how to better manage my symptoms. I have made an extra appointment with my psychiatrist to see if they can help.
Thank you all so much for taking the time to read this. I appreciate y'all and everything I've been able to learn and share here.