Sometimes I convience myself that I'm exaggerating my issues and am in fact mentally stable. And then days like today happen and the overwhleming desire to hural myself off a cliff tells me that maybe I'm not so stable after all.

I hate knowing I'm catastrophizing and yet I'm not able to calm or change the emotions around them. I have a final exam today in a class I might fail if I don't do well on this exam and I'm So. Freaking. Stressed. I have studied for hours but there is just so much they told us to "make sure we know it could show up on the exam" and I'm overwhlemed by it all.

It doesn't help that 3 weeks ago my dad died and I missed 2 weeks of school a month before the end of the semester. I'm exhusted by how much I've had to work and yet I've barely touched the mountian of things I need to do. I'm tired of feeling like I'm doing everything I can and it's still not enough, it will never be enough. I want out. Not just out of college, out of the pressure, I want out of life. But I can't do that to my family. They don't desreve the pain of loosing my dad and me.

I was freaking out earilier and texting a friend, and I had to catch myself with the dark humor stuff I was saying because I didn't want to worry her - though I might have anyway. I don't know what to do in those moments when I feel the weight of the world crashing down and I so genuinely want nothing more then to admit defeat and take an entire bottle of pills but know that I can't. I'm not even sure what to call that; active passive suicidality, maybe? It's not quite being actively suicidal because I didn't have a plan to do anything. I just desperately wished I did.

#Depression #Grief #Suicide #Anxiety #SuicidalIdeation #College #finalsstress #ADHD