fragments

My Mum and I have both been sexually abused - she by her Father and Grandfather as well as a nun and two priests. Me by her Dad, two close family friends as well as a number of 'associates' of my Grandfather. My thought/question is that I don't have the clarity of memories that my Mum seems to have. She is at the point where she is making a police complaint against the Nun who happens to still be alive. I have bits and pieces of memories that confirm the people but no full pictures. Some days I feel like it's a dream and I can't trust my brain. I am confused and my head is constantly under pressure. I am in intense therapy twice a week (EMDR) - problem is that we can't do full EMDR as I can't get the full memories. There are more coming in flashes and I just wish I could see fully so I don't feel like such a lost fraud. The Courage to Heal says to trust yourself and your instincts and I do when in the room with my therapist but the next day arrives and I'm left with sadness and headaches but the memories feel like bad dreams and I struggle to remember the day. I don't think that reporting anyone still alive will actually help healing - I have to face in to my past and release the memory and emotion first (each to their own of course). But I'm so frustrated at the fragmented sections that haunt me without full pictures or clarity. My therapist pointed out that it took my Mum 45 years to remember the first lot and then another 20 to remember the current - I don't want to get there and suddenly have an onslaught. I want to be a Mum but (tamoxifen aside) I can't do that until I am strong enough to cope with anything that motherhood may bring. I'm so tired and frustrated #Trauma #fragments #ChildhoodSexualAbuse #lost #confused