Dissociative Disorders

***QUESTION SIXTEEN: Prior to your DID diagnosis, had you been misdiagnosed with other conditions?

I mean, that’s what half our TWM posts are about, yeah?

Everyone, including me, knew my mental health was iffy starting at a too-young age (second grade comes to mind). Since then, there were sporadic attempts at counseling, but we began our official foray into therapy and mental health treatment barely out of high school. That lasted a bit more than ten years before we sought a dissociative specialist to finally break the unhelpful cycle.

If you’re interested in reading a detailed account (and a named tally (8? 19?)) of our misdiagnoses, check out our essay titled "Soup Can".

***QUESTION SIXTEEN-and-a-HALF: Where, as a system, is the safest place for you? Why?

Again, one simple question, so many answers.

Before it was nowhere, not even our own mind. Ooh, wait! Our safest places while growing up were in books — the ones we read (and re- and re-re-read), and the ones we wrote ourselves.

In our stories, we could disappear and have something else be real, something we (mostly) had control over. We used fictional worlds to work through our own struggles by masking them as something else, or creating a world with different struggles entirely. A world that was ours alone.

But it’s a whole new actuality now, one that’s firmly rooted in reality. I’d say one of our safest places is our home — our own space surrounded by our own belongings. We worked hard to build it, and it’s our favorite place to be. Bonus points if PeanutButter is home, too.

Another is Lighthouse’s office. It’s the place for all the things that have nowhere else to go, to be seen and understood in immeasurable ways. For all the secret stories that scare us. For all the discussions psychology isn’t quite ready for. Where no part of me has to stay tucked away, and where we all start learning to trust and allow love.

Lastly. . . and this one’s a long time coming. . . I am becoming my own safest place. My own temple, my own zen garden, my own personal sanctuary.#DissociativeIdentityDisorder #DissociationDisorders #dissociativedisorders

*** survey credits can be found in the original post, "Of Safety, Stigma, and Supposeds" on our website. ***

***QUESTION FIFTEEN: What are some ways that memory gaps appear in your day to day life?

We have a running joke: “My memory’s amazing, aside from all the amnesia!” And it’s funny ‘cause it’s true. My memory even might be better than PeanutButter’s, who has never suffered abnormal forgetting in his life, and who says it’s weird the things I remember and the things I don’t.

I think our memory fragmentation and micro-amnesias look a lot like ADHD forgetfulness. I don’t retain spoken conversation, instruction, or reminders as easily, but if it’s written down, it’s locked in. I tend to remember details no one else does, and I can rattle off a recipe by heart after reading it once.

Current amnesia is subtle, manifesting as emotional disconnect, or taking longer to piece a memory or string a conversation together. I need more context cues and reminders than most, and recall can take extra effort. But once a memory is recalled, it’s almost disconcertingly accurate.

Most of our stronger amnesia now is located in our historical narrative, in our past. Some of our memories may be permanently destroyed due to medication and ECT, but frankly, I’m okay with that. I can process those betrayals just by knowing about them.

I used to fear remembering what I’d forgotten would make it too vivid to bear, but memories aren’t repressed, they’re dissociated, decontextualized, and amplified by isolation. Processing a memory makes it real, but doesn’t give it life, it gives rest. Lets it be just another sentence in our story, there to inform but not control.

***QUESTION FIFTEEN-and-a-HALF: What song(s) do you relate to your DID?

I love this question. We’ve already shared one DID-specific playlist on our website* and are shaping up a few others as we speak. I don’t want to give too much away, but here are some honorable mentions:

Gollum’s Song by Emiliana Torrini - the pain of needing to be more than one Us and Them by Pink Floyd - the drifting echoes of a dissociative mind No Roots by Alice Merton - feels eerily ripped word for word from my journals

More multiplicity music is on the way right here on KTWM Radio, but now, a message from our sponsors!

…

(Just kidding. There are no sponsors. It’s just us.)

#DissociativeIdentityDisorder #DissociationDisorders #dissociativedisorders

*** survey credits can be found in the original post, "I Think The Cat Might Suspect" on our website. ***

*playlist post title: "The Songs Remember When"

*** QUESTION FOURTEEN: What is your favourite sense to ground yourself with? Olfactory, tactile, auditory, etc?

Physical movement is most-used nowadays. Anything that shakes us loose and sets our feet (literally) on the ground. Dancing. Stretching. Bouncing or jumping in place. Shaking our hands and arms. Ab crunches and basic yoga: planks, cat-cow, downward and upward facing dogs, child’s pose.

Music is another frequent tool, though our dependence is lessening drastically. Certain genres or songs can trigger nostalgia or timeline leaks, but newer discoveries can help ground those parts with a tenuous grasp on the current reality.

Back in the day we employed more techniques, including taste and smell. Carrying rocks in our pockets was an old favorite. Chunks of pyrite or amethyst were easily concealed and surreptitiously handled, rough edges offering a tangibility to hang onto.

Now we just carry our pocket friends, but that’s mainly for the whimsical companionship.

***QUESTION FOURTEEN-and-a-HALF: To whoever’s fronting: What’s your favorite item to have around when fronting? Is it yours or do you share with other alters in the system?

Even if something belongs to an individual alter, it’s still a shared item. And since our entire life is a shared item, it’s hard to answer this question. It’s darn near impossible not to share.

Certain objects do belong to or are associated with certain alters. Issues arise when we get rid of something we didn’t realize was claimed by a specific alter, or because the part with the specific attachment wasn’t around on donation day. Sometimes we don’t know until it’s too late.

That said: some don’t share meals. Food disappears without me getting a taste; a memory of it perhaps, but not the lived experience of eating. Sometimes I might get the first bite or two and, if I’m lucky, a glimpse of the last.

#DissociativeIdentityDisorder #dissociativedisorders #DissociationDisorders

*** survey credits can be found in the original post, "I Think The Cat Might Suspect" on our website ***

*** THIRTEEN: What was your last therapy session like?

Rather uneventful, actually. We’re skipping the next one, so it’s always better to not stir stuff up.

Therapy hasn’t dipped us into overwhelm in a while. Right now, we’re processing that what we’ve run from for so long is true. We keep talking it through, letting our overview expand, allowing pieces come into awareness without panic, denial, or judgment.

We manage it well, but we’re working through early, grisly history, and having someone walk us through is a relief I am challenged to articulate. To have someone believe and witness, be educated on, and know how to work through the mundanity of the unimaginable has been indispensable.

*** THIRTEEN-and-a-HALF: Has anyone ever noticed you were multiple before you told them? Do animals seem to know the difference in your switches?

Oh, yes. It was rarely pegged as multiplicity, but we were absolutely noticed.

For much of our life, we were an overt multiple. We heard voices of our parts, and dissociation and switches were obvious and detectable but misattributed to other conditions. A few DID survivors noticed (and knew) right away, but we weren’t in the mental space to accurately self-assess or report.

Our behavior no longer sends up red flags. Or scarlet ones. Switches are more covert, internal, and subtle. Nothing about us screams multiple anymore. People think I’m energetic and a little weird, but mentally ill? Not anymore. I’m viewed as reliable and organized, with exceptional boundaries and communication skills.

Turns out, I’m also a natural group leader (can’t imagine how that came about!).

As for animals, I’m curious, too. We grew up with a variety of family, friend, and neighborhood pets, but I can’t say one way or another about them detecting alters or switches. And if they did, we weren’t aware enough of ourselves to pick up on them picking up on us.

We’ve stayed relatively pet-free for most of our adult life, and haven’t spent enough time with any one animal since system discovery to know if they were reacting to switches, or just energy shifts or distress.

I do wonder if our animal alters give off a different vibe, or if those parts have an innate ability to read and mimic the animal’s behavior in a way the animal sees and trusts. I have no idea and no way to work it out; while we’d like some eventually, PeanutButter and I have no imminent plans for a pet.

But once we do, I’ll let you know how it goes.

#DissociativeIdentityDisorder #DissociationDisorders #dissociativedisorders

*** survey credits can be found in the original post, "I Think The Cat Might Suspect" on our website. ***

*** QUESTION TWELVE: How do you keep track of your symptoms and experiences?

We journalled. We wrote lists, inquiries, and notes-to-self, and we were either extremely forgetful or distractingly obsessive about it. After a few years, it became unnecessary.

Symptoms diminished, disappeared, or were no longer disruptive. Our daily awareness expanded; we remember our overall experiences, and we don’t need to record every single thought and emotion.

Our life nowadays is pretty gosh-darn normal. We’ll notice what arises, work out from where it came, to what and to whom it’s connected, and resolve it. Or we’ll notice and let it pass without judgment or action.

Then we’ll journal. Or write a list. Or a note-to-self.

But mostly, we save it up to ramble at Lighthouse once a week.

*** QUESTION TWELVE-and-a-HALF: What’s the worst thing you’ve woken up to finding out [an] alter’s done? What’s the best?

Woken up with dyed (or much less) hair; woken up to half my wardrobe missing or unfamiliar. Woken up to what looked like the end result of a slumber party tornado whipping through my bedroom overnight (while I was an adult who lived alone).

Woken up to a pile of dirty dishes with no recollection of last night’s dinner, and woken up to an immaculate kitchen bleached ceiling-to-floor. Woken up to self-harm and freshly-changed sheets, new friends in new places, and a few hundred miles at my back.

Woken up in a few emergency rooms just to talk my way out of an impending psych admission. Spent a few days in intensive care and still don’t know what for or how I got there.

Nothing major happens outside of a shared awareness anymore, but we still get deliciously surprised (and re-surprised) by the fresh fruit we’d bought ourselves, and still find the odd note of reassurance from the Motley tucked away for just T.W. to find.

#DissociativeIdentityDisorder #dissociativedisorders #DissociationDisorders

*** survey credits can be found in the original post, "Deliciously Surprised" on our website. ***

*** ELEVEN: Do you have a favourite model of dissociation (eg. BASK, ToSD, 4D model)? Why?

I view the trauma and dissociative disorders as one braided highway, where the strands become looser and more frayed the further down the end you go. The edges of each disorder are varied and can be subjective, but each still deserve their own name.

We’re experiencing the same things on different levels. The diagnoses are distinct, but not separate, and theory of treatment is essentially the same. Tailored to the individual system’s needs, but all rooted in a humanistic, integrative process.

The Theory of Structural Dissociation [ToSD] and BASK [Behavior > Affect > Sensory > Knowledge] make a lot of sense to me. I’m not as familiar with the 4D model, but none of these feel at odds with each other.

To me, it feels like separate factions trying to find different explanations for the same thing, and all are on a similar track. Differently-arranged pieces of one larger picture, and they all leave out components the world isn’t ready to talk about yet – the spiritual and metaphysical. The superworldly, if you will.

Not all dissociation is created equal. Primary, secondary, and tertiary dissociation each provide an experience unlike the other, but I can tell you, as an integrated multiple who’s lived with all three, it’s all the same. Just different.

*** ELEVEN-and-a-HALF: How much control do you have over switches? Do you know of any specific things which cause specific alters to front?

Controlled switching is not about control, it’s about cooperation.

Each alter, each fragment has their own trigger or set of triggers, and anything can be a trigger. Colors. Songs. Foods. Pictures. Smells. Clothing. Objects. Appliances. Vehicles. Words, numbers, or phrases. A time of day. A location. An activity. A hobby.

Before, switches were at the mercy of internal whims and external triggers. I can now attribute the chronic “running out of time” urgency I’d feel to sensing an oncoming switch, like I was being pushed or hustled out the way.

Some alters do seem to control other alters coming and going, or their actions and behaviors — because they think they are still at the mercy of our abusers — and we work to show them they are allowed to act and think of their own accord.

It took us years to get here, but we can now call on parts in the moment, and can help others step back inside. We can easily switch to have a productive therapy session, and ground ourselves quickly once the hour is over. We can coordinate within to excel without.

Ultimately, a controlled switching environment comes down to co-consciousness, communication, and cooperation. And practice.

#DissociativeIdentityDisorder #DissociationDisorders #dissociativedisorders

*** 30 Days of DID survey credits go to tumblr user 'shihkas', and wordpress blogger 'catalyticconvergence'. Links can be found in the original post, "Deliciously Surprised" on our website.

*** More info on ToSD, BASK, and 4D Models also available ***

*** QUESTION NINE: What misinformation about DID irks you the most?

Oof. Not sure I want to answer this one. Not sure I should.

I’ve been skirting topics like this because of how deep the rabbit hole goes, and how it makes me feel. I avoid DID-specific social media and don't engage with online communities because of it. And because I don’t have the bandwidth for the drama that often accompanies it.

But, from the top of my head (and without any further explanation), here are some of the regular offenders I’ve seen over the years:

"DID is rare. DID isn’t real. DID is under-researched. Polyfragmentation isn’t real. Everyone with DID is faking. Nobody lies about having DID. DID never knows they have it. DID only finds out upon diagnosis. DID makes you lose your driving license, custody, housing. DID doesn’t say ‘we’. DID only says ‘we’. Alters and imaginary friends are the same thing. DID thinks internal worlds are a literal reality. DID can start outside of childhood. DID cannot be diagnosed in childhood. DID doesn’t require trauma. Alters don’t require dissociation. DID is a personality disorder. DID is an excuse. DID lets you plead insanity. DID is a choice. Alters cannot be willingly created. Alters cannot be forcibly created. Roles aren’t real. Mind control isn’t real. Certain types of abuse don’t exist. DID isn’t multiplicity. DID is only multiplicity. Only one alter is the real person. A host alter is expected. Integration should be avoided. Fusion makes alters disappear. Fusion is murder. Dormancy isn’t real. Subsystems aren’t real. System-hopping is possible. Amnesia is concrete, absolute, and predictable. Alters can’t have alters. Alters don’t have separate names. Alters who don’t front don’t exist. DID with high alter counts are impossible/non-functional/stuck in mental hospitals. DID is obvious. DID is invisible. Child alters are literal children. Alters are separate people. Alters can’t have physical differences. Alters can’t be similar. Alters can’t talk to each other. Alters are a delusion. Alters are roleplay. Alters can’t choose to switch. DID is doomed to forever dysfunction. People with DID can’t be happy. DID can’t be healed."

Whew. That’s enough of that. Moving on…

*** QUESTION NINE-and-a-HALF: What level of co-consciousness do you have? How do you feel your communication skills are within the system? How do you want to grow in those skills?

We used to distinguish sharing executive control with other alters but with no idea the other is there (co-present) and having awareness of and/or communication with co-present parts (co-conscious).

In the beginning, we were constantly co-present with little co-consciousness. Then, we could be co-conscious, but forgot almost immediately. Now, we blend more than switch, and, while it may take time, effort, and a little internal sleuthing to recall or contextualize a memory, we rarely lose time in our current day-to-day.

A future goal is for all of us to be able to recognize and verbalize our feelings and thoughts (such as signaling distress or discomfort) in the moment rather than hours or days later. To communicate without overwhelm.

To know what’s gonna come out of my mouth before I say it would be nice, too.

#DissociativeIdentityDisorder #dissociativedisorders #DissociationDisorders

*** 30 Days of DID survey credits go to tumblr user 'shihkas', and wordpress blogger 'catalyticconvergence'. Links can be found in the original post ("Dogged By DID") on our website. ***

*** QUESTION EIGHT: When did you first learn/hear about DID, if it was prior to your diagnosis?

Vague memories of mentions as far back as 2002 or 2003, and then again a few years later. I readily saw myself in dissociative symptoms but didn’t realize I could be realistically diagnosed. I didn’t pursue it, and back then, I don’t think our system was allowing it.

Funny thing: whenever this question comes up, I tend to apply it to only the misdiagnosis years in adulthood. I often forget about a book I’d frequently read as a tween- and teenager, the one where the character at the center of the story was diagnosed with MPD. The character I heavily related to, but didn’t know how or why.

Its publication date was in 1992, when Dissociative Identity Disorder was still named Multiple Personality Disorder, and I probably first read it soon after it hit the shelves, if not a little afterward; it was definitely a high-school re-re-re-read.

I still have that book. The same copy, even. It’s been decades; I should read it again, especially knowing what we do now. An upcoming entry for Multiples in the Media, mayhaps?

***QUESTION EIGHT-and-a-HALF: How did you first discover you were [multiple]? Was it before, after, or during diagnosis?

Before diagnosis. We count 2013 as the official date, but as memory serves, I started entertaining the idea in 2006 or ‘07, when presented with and needing to examine some extremely confronting evidence of switching activity.

A lot of extra hi’s in my journals and instant messenger conversations. Friends saying I was acting differently, or that I didn’t seem to recognize them. I asked my roommate, “I’m not the same T.W. you first met, am I?” and the question echoed with a lifelong familiarity.

Their affirming answer wasn’t comforting, either.

DID had been dogging me for at least a year prior to that, but I couldn’t take it seriously; I didn’t recognize my trauma as trauma, or my abuse as abuse. For awhile, I thought of it as another additional diagnosis — not one to replace all the others.

Then I detoxed the decade of psychotropics from our system, and absolutely nothing changed. Well, they did — but not how we’d been warned. Things became clearer; I could think again.

We were mostly on board with the idea of DID by 2012, but even as evidence mounted, I refused to believe until confirmed by a dissociative specialist who’d know what they were seeing.

Which opened up doorways to system discoveries beyond our imagination.

#DissociativeIdentityDisorder #DissociationDisorders #dissociativedisorders

*** 30 Days of DID survey credits go to tumblr user 'shihkas', and wordpress blogger 'catalyticconvergence'. Links can be found in the original post ("Dogged By DID") on our website. ***

*** QUESTION SEVEN: How long have you been in treatment for DID?

Since 2013. We took a break for a few years, then restarted in 2024.

The worst patches saw twice-weekly sessions, doubled or more in length, but our default now is once a week for the typical hour. If we’re struggling with a specific part or memory (and schedules allow) we’ll do an extra-long session. We also take a week off here and there.

A rough estimate of our office hours with Lighthouse has totaled about nine or ten years (even the break had semi-regular check-ins), which means the time spent in proper treatment has nearly lapped the time spent in improper treatment! Success!

*** QUESTION SEVEN-and-a-Half: How many parts do you know of in the system? How many know about each other?

Our named roster once rose into the hundreds, but best guess is, at our most fragmented, we numbered into the low thousands. We stopped keeping track once realizing most alters were groups of parts, or were standing guard in front of groups of parts.

At first, the front-facing, life-living parts were aware only of other surface-level parts, and were kept oblivious to the abuse history and/or inner workings. Deeply-layered or higher-ranking parts knew more, but each section only carried a piece of the bigger picture. A complete overview wasn’t possible until very recently.

I’d say only about 30% of our system directly interacted with the outside world, and things changed so much in recovery that tracking numbers became an unnecessary and distracting task.

At this point, our multiplicity (and togetherness) is understood innately. We don’t need to be Named to be known, and once an alter is known to one, they are known to all. The recognition, acceptance, and welcoming to the fold is almost instantaneous.

#DissociativeIdentityDisorder #DissociationDisorders #dissociativedisorders

*** 30 Days of DID survey credits go to tumblr user shihkas, and wordpress blogger catalyticconvergence. Links can be found in the original post ("Dogged by DID") on our website. ***

One of the biggest misconceptions about healing is that you have to be strong all the time.

You don’t.

Some days, simply getting out of bed is strength.

Some days, making one phone call is strength.

Some days, choosing to stay is strength.

Recovery isn’t about making one giant leap.

It’s about showing up again and again, even when progress feels invisible.

The small steps you take today might not seem like much.

But over time, they become the person you’re becoming.

Don’t underestimate what one more step can do.

What’s one small step you’ve taken recently that you’re proud of?

Also, if you're going through a tough time right now, I want you to know that I post daily mental health videos about how to deal with painful thoughts. So if you or anyone you know is struggling and wants help, click on one of the links below or write me if you have any questions you want me to answer:

www.instagram.com/thomas_of_copenhagen

www.tiktok.com/@thomas_of_copenhagen

~ Thanks to all. Thanks for all. ~

#MentalHealth #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Addiction #dissociativedisorders #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #ADHD #Fibromyalgia #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #PTSD #Cancer #RareDisease #Disability #Autism #Diabetes #EatingDisorders #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #RheumatoidArthritis #Suicide #MightyTogether