Recently, I’ve learned that I dissociate when I’m overly stressed or because of a traumatic situation. My psychiatrist and psychologist believe I’ve been doing this since childhood. I’ve done a lot of research trying to learn more about dissociation. It is basically a mental disconnect.
For many people, dissociation is a natural response to trauma that they can't control. It could be a response to a one-off traumatic event or ongoing trauma and abuse.
My dissociations are symptoms of my mental health problems: PTSD, depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and others.
Some of the disturbances I experience are:
*Seeing objects change in shape, size or color
*Feeling detached from the world around me
*See the world as unreal (kind of like we are all in some sort of game)
*Feeling like I’m living in a dream; having trouble telling what is real and what is a dream.
This is called derealisation. I used to think that everyone experienced this; until recently, I have learned otherwise.
Other disturbances I experience are:
*Feeling as though I am watching myself in a movie or looking at myself from the outside. I feel as if I just observe my emotions.
*I often feel disconnected from parts of my body and sometimes feel as if I have left my body.
*Being unsure of the boundaries between myself and other people. This is called depersonalization.
It sounds scary because it is!! Again, I thought this happened to everyone too but I’m learning that it does not!
Dissociative amnesia has to be the scariest form of dissociation for me. I have gaps in my memory where I can't remember certain events or information; I write a lot down! I often forget how to do something that I’ve been able to do in the past, and discover items that I don't remember owning! I also lose time!! I lose minutes to hours and sometimes days; not knowing what happened during these lapses. It sounds a lot like dementia but it is very different.
My doctors are very concerned with this one! Neuropsychological testing is to be performed this month to find out more.
Understanding these dissociative disorders has been traumatizing in itself but knowing what I have has actually helped me learn how to cope with them. I use research, psychotherapy and Buddhism.
What I am bothered by the most is hurting others while I am dissociating. Learning how to stay grounded has helped me become more aware of when I start to lose myself so that I do not cause anymore pain to my loved ones.
I have become more aware of when I start to dissociate and have learned how to ground myself. I have learned the 5-4-3-2-1 technique and it has been helping. The idea is to focus my attention within the room or space I am in by using my senses. I begin by simply focusing on my breath, then when I am able, I acknowledge five things I can see, four things I can touch, three things I hear, two things I can smell, and one thing I can taste. This process can be repeated or altered as needed until I find that I am able to successfully return to myself and do what is needed to care for my body and safety.
Another technique I use is touching my finger tips to one another and count 4,3,2,1,1,2,3,4 and repeat as many times as needed.
I also wear a silicone ring that I flip over to keep me alert as to where I am. I feel more in the present when doing this technique. Using our 5 senses is what will usually bring us back to homeostasis.
My mental health disorders are scary but it’s just how and who I am. I learn something new every week about myself through psychotherapy, my husband, our kids, and our friends. I’ve asked them all to be honest with me about my actions and emotions when I am unaware. They help me stay grounded; which makes all the difference.
Having a team of supporters has also been super helpful. If you have dissociative disorders and want to talk I’m here to listen bc I know how scary it can feel.
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