graditude

#enjoy #graditude #peaceanyway

My son turns twenty tomorrow.I feel frozen in time while time is creeping up,faster than yesterday.I see myself in him now more than before.He has this communication,only I,his mother understands. We havelooks,have looks, only words,too many between us,but the silence between us is deafening at times.We know eachother that well,no words are needed,only validating what he knows.His memory and expression of the past,is clear,thought out,out, now and accepted.He stears clear of drama.He still needs prompts to express which emotion is appropriate.People will never understand the frustration it causes, to not beable to speak the emotions outloud.To not feel safe enough to speak your heart.to question your own judgement based on others expressions.To not know when to approach or how to start that conversation.I saw his side this past year,more intentionally than before.Observing him as an adult.He has met his goals.He did it all on his own.He had to prove alot to himself when I became sick.All during Covid and two scarey quarantines.It has been a year since,where my son took me to appointments,sat with me,went shopping for us,paid utilities when needed,took me for rides,checked on me always. All while working a full time, overnight job.I am in awe at his perseverance this year.He really pushed himself physically and mentally.He needs some guidance and boundaries,still,the typical ones.He has worked extremely hard,he is going to be okay,better than okay,he is going to be great.He has choices.

#graditude