For the past 3 years or so I have went through so many meds that I lost count. Most of them made me feel numb inside and depression worse. I have been with my fiancee for about 3 years now a little after being diagnosed with bipolar which previously they thought was depression. When he and I first started dating him I was very honest with my diagnosis' and how difficult it may be. He said it didn't matter and he would be there every step of the way. And up until the last 6 months I notice a change in him. I did switch meds about a year ago and noticed that I lost motivation to do anything and even found myself slipping at work and I am a boss which people rely on me. So with all the pressure at home, at work, kids, family, he reminded me I have neglected our relationship. Which in my mind I have but now our alone time seems to be all about sex. And prior to being diagnosed I was mostly manic so sex was on my mind 24/7 and that is the girl I feel he fell in love with. And I even miss that me the manic state of feeling happy, motivation, concentration, confidence, outgoing, and always showing him affection and having sex every second we could. But anymore now that I work from home due to COVID I go days so many I don't even remember the last time I bathed. I finally opened up about how I feel when we do have alone time it seems to be sexual which makes me want it even less for reason. Now when I tell him no for a quickie or repeat myself again how that makes me feel. And when I do turn him down he says things like you don't find me attractive or I don't love him anymore.. when he says these things it is just another thing to add to my list of things I hate about myself. And honestly I have told him multiple times if it were not for my 3 kids I wouldn't be here today because i live for them. And even on my worst days i put on my fake happy face for kids, family, coworkers as if nothing is wrong and I have the best life. But this morning I had a major breakdown over something he said and then he opened up. He said I make him feel guilty for wanting me or touching me or making a move that he said he has no desire to have sex with me. He than mentioned things he misses that I used to do. Which put even more guilt on me for not being enough and the things he listed are all things I miss about myself. I keep thinking of telling my med specialist all these things I am feeling but dont because I worry about doing another med change. The questions and anxiety I have thinking about what the new med will do to me. I have thought about getting off bipolar meds all together so I can finally get that manic state back which will make everyone happy...except I know the consequences of being manic which are poor decisions. I try everyday to be positive and tell myself I can change it is in my own hands and not long after that I get depressed and remind myself how I will always have this.
I am doing my #Will because I’m going to leave my house and kennel and property to a non profit organization that helps people and animals
Shrimp 🍤 dog #I am upset about my old friend I have known since 1982 and thought maybe you all might have some thoughts Please 😋😋😷😷🍤🍤🇵🇭✅❤️👍😷
#Will I Die or Survive
#Cancer , I was diagnosed with you almost 3 years ago now, I recall loosing my marbles, the uncontrollable crying, no one to comfort me at all. . . . . I remember almost hitting the denial stage, but I had too many tests and trusted their outcomes by now to know better. I mean, don't I have enough wrong with me, my body wracked with pain 24/7, most of the time I can't get up without hitting the floor cause of this "low blood pressure thing" my cardiologist can't seem to get a hold of so who suffers ? I've had numerous surgeries now, still waiting for the chemo speech, they know I don't want it, I don't want to loose all my hair, I've already lost 100lbs. I'm so damn tired of loosing, I have lost so much your head would spin for 2 decades, I want to win part or all of my life back, that would be fair, I'll give back all these diseases and in return I can go back to doing what I loved the most, work, a master automotive technician, but it won't happen so I can't, and so I sob and cry for this is not how a man should live, and then those dark clouds blow across my brain and heart, telling me to end it all, I can only count 3 people who would be affected by my leaving, 2 would be devastated, maybe one. I had a great psychologist but she left and moved to go into more lucrative "private practice", as all the really good ones do, so people like me are left with the bottom of the pile, and they are bad, they sound as though they are spitting out quotes from a text book. So I will sit here in darkness in bed, while the darkest thoughts cross what's left of my mind. . . . . . .
#Will it ever get better
Will it? Will it ever get better? Two years ago I had a breakdown and ended up in hospital for a few days. I’ve never been so scared in my life! When I left I was put on antidepressants and beta blockers. After a while of suffering I started to feel abit better. Today I’m in such a better place but find myself still getting really anxious . I wonder if I will ever get completely better? I get scared of going back to that dark place 🙁
What room describes my mood #
Have had my life totally ripped apart over last 3 years in particular. Came from very disfunctional family, and yet go to person for needing help. Have chronic health issues for ages. Am definitely junk room as
#CheckInWithMe 3 years ago my son was sexually abused by family members. Everything has just fallen apart as well as losing my Mum a year ago unexpectedly. My son has intellectual disabilities and he is no longer able to function. I was also a victim and wonder if the only way to protect ourselves is to not be here? #Will it ever stop
So tired of being alone
#Will I ever meet him?
Will we ever meet? At 54 and living in a rural community in north-central Ohio is not conducive to meeting other gay men...actually that's putting it too nicely. It seems darn near impossible! I am told by many of my friends, "You make great husband material" but it's been tough. Haven't even been out on a date in a long time. My #lonelytogether asks myself "#lonelyforever"?