Holdmyhand

I'm a daughter of a narcissist and misogynistic father. My mother is a victim of domestic violence and harassment. We both had to escape from him and that was not easy. From that day on I thought we were free and we can start a new life. But he is not letting us be. He keeps going to all my mom's relatives and telling them that he wants his family back. We both have already suffered enough. Dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts is not something that will solve by itself. Even though we have medical help from my psychiatrist my father keeps contacting everyone and everyone tried to contact mom. He even found out where we live and one day he came to our house completely drunk and started ringing the bell. I called his elder brother and told him to make this person leave or else I will call the police. Somehow he left after 30min. Even though we are brave and strong to deal with him this society is making it a nightmare.
We are afraid to go out of the house because he knows where we are.
I keep getting panic attack even though I'm under medication.
He used to force me to do things that I don't want to, say education, marriage proposal etc.
I am free from all that now.
Now I am 28, with a engineering degree that I am not interested in. I was not allowed to work or I must say I had health problems, so even if I was allowed to work I was in no position to.
Dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts, #Anxiety and my father, I lost track of time.
Now when I have time, I think of what to do next. It's blank.
First thing I don't want to live in this society, I need to heal, mom needs to heal. A long vacation maybe helpful.
Actually I feel like moving to another country, to stay with my brother.
Even that I can go only with a student visa. And in my head no matter how much I try to study further seems impossible. My mind is struggling to stay awake. I'm crying inside every moment.
In the end of that thought, I feel like if I give up my life nothing will hold my mom back, she can go and live with my brother.
I feel I'm a burden for everyone. Holding up everyone.
I know that it is not the way to solve problems. I am not that brave to give up my life. I am brave enough to take the #challenge it's just that everyday I go into this state of mind where everything seems impossible.
I just wanted to share this thought.
Even though life seems impossible and it makes you feel weak. There is always a solution for a problem. There will always be one person that loves you more than anything in the world #thatisyou #livewithgrace #likeaworrier solving life problems no matter how many times I failed will only teach me how to solve it the right way. I am holding my ground and telling you that you are not alone in this #Holdmyhand and let's face it together.

Can you hold my hand while I chart these stormy waters ...
While I try and cope with the fallout of my angel's pain ...
Hold me up so I can be a constant beacon of love and light in the very dark place she is in.

My heart is breaking, my soul feels like it is being ripped apart, my world is spinning out of control.

I have tears that I cannot cry ...
Words I cannot express ...
Anger I dare not vent ...

I am bewildered, frightened and sad ...
I dare not close my eyes for fear of the images that taint my mind.
I feel as though I have walked into the worst of horror movies but no-one has given me script.

I know it should not be about me at this time, but I can't help it.
I know it is all about my angel who is so tormented by life that she sees death as a welcome release.
I know some may perceive me to be selfish with this my plea ....

Please lend me your comfort, please offer me strength, please guide me and support me so that I can be strong for the one I love so much.

Please because I am not coping on my own.