domestic violence

The End

My heart is broken, shattered in a million pieces..
Nothing will fix it..nor do I beg anyone to come…
I’d rather feel the pain…I’d rather feel the shame…and let everything in me come undone…

I don’t need forgivness, understanding, or pity… because i all honesty… I don’t need it, I don’t deserve it, and I damn well don’t want any award either…

I loved, and I walked away.. for whatever reasons… there were just as many reasons to stay as go away… so.. there’s that. The lovebird has sung it’s tune… the night owl takes the stage.

As the cold night air creeps into aching bones.. so does the awareness of solitude, fear, questions of unknown fate, peace, but sadness..and hope that we both wake up to the same sun once the night ends, and blessings come that are more than bittersweet.

Hi everyone, first time posting here. I just watched Maid on Netflix, which is about a woman fleeing from domestic violence with her young daughter. It got me thinking about my own history. The main character, Alex, was so strong and assertive and firm in her choices to stand up to her abusers. When she finally did go back, the motivator was that she had no money and needed a place to sleep. That was totally different from my own experience with DV and sexual abuse.

As far back as I can remember, I learned how to compartmentalize. In order to avoid conflict, I would just agree with anything and everyone, and do whatever was asked of me in the moment, even when it was wrong or I disagreed.

This wasn't just childhood. I continued to do the exact same thing as an adult. A few examples I'm not proud of: I slept and lived with a married man... went blind in one eye from a DV assault and didn't get medical care... was planning to get an abortion (mother nature had other plans)...oh and I did drugs. I'm sure there is more.

I know this sounds like an excuse, but I barely even remember any of it. It's as if I wasn't there. My compartmentalization is so effective that it blacks out portions of my life, temporarily detached me from myself as I do things that the "real me" is opposed to. People would ascribe certain motivations to my actions, but it wasn't what they would think. It was that I was in so many different compartments I lost myself. So many different compartments to appease so many people, and nothing for me.

All of this stuff happened in my 20's going into 30. I learned from some mistakes, but the compartmentalizing thing I still do. It's not an excuse for bad behavior. My behavior has been terrible, sometimes wrong, even more often at odds with my personal values or desires. Same goes for my words most of the time. But I'm in my 30's now and a lifetime of this habit has left me without a self, without a coherent story because my story is about abandoning myself to keep the peace, compulsively.

Life is complicated. I don't think there are good guys or bad guys, or not many who fit that bill. There are good and bad actions, and sometimes we fall into a spiral of doing the wrong thing over and over again because it feels safest. I want to wake up. I want to find out who I really am, assert my boundaries, live according to my own values and not what others expect from me. I guess I'm weak, for going the "safe" route that has brought me to this point where my past self is misunderstood, but also not really a good person...more of a weak person, a scared person, a person who will not break a habit to become a better person no matter how many people she hurts along the way.

I don't want the rest of my life to be like this. I also don't know how to come to terms with my past, the parts that are my fault and the parts that were done to me, to come to peace with myself and others...how to live with good boundaries in the present...how to have a future where i'm not this yes-woman who keeps losing herself and doing terrible things. it is the real me. the wimpy scared person with no boundaries, that is me right now. the things i do as a result of those boundaries arent exactly me, but they are my actions even though i don't *really* want t0 do them.

It's time to change. I am so full of guilt about all these expereinces past self put herself though because she just couldn't say no or stand up for herself. And I guess I need to have compassion for her, but I don't like what she did. I do know how terrified she was and that in those moments maybe she truly could not have possibly stoof up for herself or for what she thought was right.

I don't want to be like that anymore. I need to stop going to my safe, non-present place and learn to engage with life as me, as I really am, with my real thoughts and feelings and opinions, and also to stop being angry at my past self. she made a lot of bad decisions and she doesnt deserve to get off the hook for that, but she was going with the one survival tactic she had ever learned, and it wasn't a healthy one. Pieces of her were not awake, while life went on for other pieces. Compartmentalized.

Life is complicated for everyone, that's a fact. Almost no one if a pure vessel of "good" or "bad". I think I can find peace with the past while breaking out of these bad habits and creating a future where the real me is finally free. I have hope, but I just don't know how....how to get there #DomesticViolence #SexualAbuse #PTSD #CPTSD

Dark Eyes
Violent
Set upon a twisted face
Of someone I once knew
A love and my best friend
Now the smirk creeps in
Like the invisible dark fog
That is as thick as your dark hair
A pause, Then
“That gives me an idea though”
Then
A violent attack
So unlike you
But I’ve seen those dark eyes
Mad, animalistic, hungry
Once before
Which was more than enough
I had cast it out and you fell on the floor
Sobbing
But now I am screaming
“What are you doing”
I’m frantically dialing
Behind your back
As you forced me down onto mine
And frenically tear at my pant’s ties
Operator on speaker
To me, an angel’s voice
To you, exposure
You hop off me and scream
Hurl chocolate pudding at me
And like blood, it splatters all over the floor,
The walls,
Once our home
You tried to steal my power
The rights of ME
You tried and you failed
But even if you had succeeded
You’d still have failed
Because
You can’t take real power
By being a coward
Of your own internal disgrace

Today I’m trying to take ahold of what I can control in my life. Even though I struggle with severe #Depression and #Anxiety I try and do what I can to make my life as #normal as possible. Some days aren’t always so bad and I can function okay and pretty normally despite having #suicidal thoughts. Other times I have to remind myself it’s the little #victories are a huge win. Doing a load of laundry. Splashing my face with cold water and putting on deodorant and some perfume as just getting ready for the day. I’m just trying to take it one step at a time.

I was in some pretty bad and abusive relationships. #Drug use, #Alcohol , #DomesticViolence . My last relationship I stayed with him for so long because I felt like I was damaged goods. He gave me #herpes and I felt like my life was over. I was no longer able to be “normal”, date normally ever again. I was as good as rotten fruit, even though I only had 3 boyfriends my whole life and never had any one night stands. So I stayed, even through the manipulation, the lies, the constant verbal, emotional, and physical abuse that I was receiving daily. Why did I deserve better? Why would anyone, think anything of me besides just being damaged and just bad baggage? I didn’t deserve it, hell I was such a disappointment to myself let alone I’m sure being a disappointment to my family. I was so exhausted, so depressed, so I stayed and ignored the very obvious red flags. He even had a previous domestic charge on him from a prior relationship. He even told me in such a rage later on that he did punch her when he swore up and down he didn’t. He would constantly yell at me on my lunch breaks that I was cheating on him with my coworkers. One time when I didn’t text him back within two minutes, I was the bad guy. Getting called every name in the book, because I deserved it. He would constantly kick me, choke me, punch me in the face, spit on me, throw water on me, pull my hair, grab me so I wasn’t able to leave. Grab my phone and keys so I couldn’t call or leave on my own free will. He used to do MMA for 10+ years. One time he kicked me in my leg so hard I couldn’t walk normally for a week. He’s broken my ankle, causing me to be in crutches. Chocked me so hard the blood vessels in my eye burst. I always had bruises on my body. Yet I stayed. I wanted to die.

I never told anyone anything until I got into therapy just a few months ago. It wasn’t until my ex screamed at me for hours about how he was going to kill me, bash my head into various objects. I finally grabbed the valuables I had, my dog, and I left when he was at work.

So now I’m in a safe place, away from him. I cut off all communication. Deleted his photos and am donating or throwing out anything we shared together. However I’m stuck with these feelings of #Guilt , #Shame and #anger . I wish I wasn’t scarred from all this but I am. I wish I could date again normally but idk that’s going to take a lot of time. I want to tell him nasty things he told me to get back at him. I’m upset at myself for not leaving when I so should have. I’m trying to deal with these emotions and trauma. So anyways I’m just sitting here folding my laundry and cleaning out my closet because so far that’s what I have control over. I’m still incredibly suicidal because I feel like I can’t be normal or date normally so the future is scary. I feel better finally and I’m glad I left. I’m just now trying to get out of this flight of fight stage, trying to better myself and maybe someday in the future someone will understand. Until then I have my loving mom my dog and my lizard. Onto my next load of laundry.
#relationship