My mood changes in a day or for a few days or weeks or months at a time. I am either up or down and only occasionally okay. My family tell me, Your too sensitive, to think before you speak as your words can hurt people, they brush things under the carpet, your beautiful, I don't understand you sometimes, I will call you but don't.... The list goes on. When I'm okay I cook, bake, sew and focus on arts n crafts activities, eat well and do physiotherapy. #howcan istaywell#Depression #anx o#Anxiety

I continuously learn new things and can feel anxious till I gain a certificate and I do tell others then I fall into a depression for months. Nothing changes really. I just move onto something else.

I have low self esteem, an over thinker and over analyse. I was shy as a child but popular. I cannot deal with conflict or honest tough discussions and shut down emotionally and physically. I give my all in relationships and when I lose someone or a pet I loved through grief or separation then I go into a deep depression for 5/6 months. I can rise like a phoenix and I'm someone new and the past is gone.

I can focus on a goal that nothing else matters as a creative task and forget to eat or longer term living in a different country surviving with no past, a new identity, find lovely, kind people that I leave abruptly.

Yet, my past continuous to haunt me and comes to mind especially at night. I just want to relax and be present which I strive for all of the time.

Since being a teenager I used negative coping skills to manage becoming some one I am not on a day to day basis. Alcohol use brought me out of my shell. It was exhausting bring gregarious and everybody's friend. I was rejected by my best friend at 15 and went into silent mutism, it was so sad for me. I like being around people and I like being on my own to recharge and recover.

I cannot sustain relationships as I really do think everyone will leave me when they see who I really am. I self sabotage by my actions and will become silent that the relationship breaks down as soon as I stop trying. I don't know why I do it in intimate relationships and friendships. But why don't they fight for me?

I have had many jobs where I help and support people. I find it easier working with vulnerable people to help build their belief and confidence. 'normal' healthy people scare me. I can be misunderstood, used as a scapegoat, for money, and been bullied in the wrong jobs at times.

I have never spoke about this stuff and apoligise if it's a mumble jumble. It's a start and I'm glad to know there may be help and support.