5 years ago today, I got married. I was not medicated and not treated but did have Lorazepam on hand. Events throughout the day I knew I should have taken them but I just pushed through it bc I could do it in my own. Turns out, I was wound up tighter than a bull in a china shop. I’m standing in my dress getting fluffed and I hear ok Jessica it’s time!! I quickly panicked and asked my bridesmaid (whose also a RN so she knew I needed them and quickly.) I told her 3! She side eyed me and said no, 2. So I threw those back, and that’s all that I remember. My girls were all trying to talk to me while waiting for the doors to open so they could head down the aisle and asking if I was excited...and I apparently put up my hand in referenced stop talking to me. Anyways, I have no memory whatsoever of my wedding ceremony. None. And it wasn’t until I got my wedding photos back, did I really see how bad it was. You see every high, low and black eyes. No emotions. I didn’t even not that I was so nervous I dropped my husbands wedding ring while saying my vows to him. I’m very much grieving right now about how manic I went on my wedding day. And then shit hit the fan personally for us to celebrate our anniversary today and I wound up bawling and saying forget it. There’s nothing to celebrate. Took 2 Ativan and went to bed. I am just now stirring and my husband decided to go work on his project car in order to get away from me and my self wallowing.

I AM NOT OK TODAY. #Mania #BipolarStigma #regrets #ijustwantobenormal