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    Growing up with no sporting skills

    Hi. Growing up I always had problems with my social skills. I only have a few friends (fortunately each of them deeply cared for me and I am grateful for that), and I was really bad at sports. Coming from a culture, where boys are expected play at least some sport be it football or cricket, I was equally bad in all sorts of sports even table tennis or fussball. I couldn’t ride bicycles or swim either and I have always been a fat kid. Now at 32, I am happily married with my wife and a daughter. However, the regret of not getting to play enough sports or having good socializing skills makes me feel bad even today. You might say that it’s too much but this regret of not making memories in the playground or not being able to participate in discussions around sports tournaments or a certain athlete troubles me a lot on a deeply psychological level. Is there anybody else who feels almost ashamed about not getting to play sports in childhood, not making enough friends or not getting to discuss sports as an adult. Will very much appreciate your suggestions. Thanks. #Sports #Childhood #Friends #Shame #regrets


    My most damaging BPD outburst of anger was towards my teenage daughter, I've lost her forever

    ##fore I was diagnosed with BPD, my diagnoses were Bipolar2, depression and anxiety. During one of the rare times that my daughter chose to communicate with me she told me she had been diagnosed with Bipolar, severe depression and BPD and that it was all my fault. I wasn't familiar with BPD nor its abbreviation. So I defensively said she had made it all up and BPD was Bipolar. I'm filled with such shame and regret for that stupid comment. I became all that I hated in others when they invalidate my feelings. They're the last words she has to remember me by. #Children #Bipolar2Disorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Family #Kids #regrets


    Steroids be like…

    Tired Severely Dehydrated Me @ midnight: Long day, labs, oncologist, chemo, mini medical emergency, getting yelled at by doctor & pre-op appointment. Let’s go to bed!
    Caffeinated Steroids: No!
    Me: Yes! I’m exhausted and don’t feel good.
    Steroids: Let’s watch cat videos on IG for 4 hours and then read all your lab results on your patient portal.
    My cat: Did you say cat videos? Cat videos! Yay! Let’s snuggle and watch cat videos!
    Me at 5am: FML pleaassseeee let me rest!?!
    Steroids: No!

    Moral of the story: If you know they give you steroids on chemo day that mess with your sleep, maybe don’t stop at Starbucks at 4pm. #regrets #Steroids #exhausted


    I miss my dad

    He’s only been gone for a week and a half. I watched him die, but I still can’t believe it’s real. Everything happened so fast, yet so painstakingly slow at the same time. He was diagnosed with stage IV cancer at the end of August and I knew there was only one way things could possibly go. He’d made it almost 10 years since his last bout with stage IV cancer, but he didn’t take care of himself at all since then or go to the doctor until things had progressed too far this time. I took care of him for as long as I could, but the emergency room trips and the constant stress became too much for me to handle, so we decided to move him into a short term care facility closer to his doctors. That’s when things got really bad. With covid numbers rising, the facility stopped allowing visitors and he was all alone in there until he went to the ER for the last time. We weren’t allowed to visit because of covid and he was too weak to hold the phone up for more than a minute or two the last few days. Then, I got a call from his doctor saying that my sister and I should come as soon as we could. I didn’t realize the last time I talked to him would be the last time I’d ever really talk to him. By the time I got to the hospital, he was so out of it he wasn’t making much sense. And now he’s gone. I thought I was handling it pretty well, but I’m really not. I feel lost in a world where my dad doesn’t exist. I feel responsible for making his last couple weeks more miserable than they needed to be. I wish I could’ve been stronger. I feel so many things right now, but mostly I feel alone.
    #Grief #LosingAParent #regrets


    Mighty ones, do y'all have nightmares that just scare the living shit out of you? #dreams #nightmare

    I've looked up my dream and it says it's a bad omen and I'm also being protected. In conclusion, death is near at all times so I need to move on and live it happily. If you want to know the full dream lemme know. #betrayal #Nightmares #Truth #dreams #regrets #MentalIllness #Anxiety #Death


    Getting a grip on guilt.

    I think in the past I've made people feel like they bother me. When people text me they always say "I'm sorry to bother you". It's nice of them to say but it just stands out in my mind. I regret my behavior towards others when I was anxious on manic. Overall being bipolar scares me I never know what to expect. Why can't I just tell people that? #mental illness #Guilty #Sadness #regrets #Bipolar disorder # feeling bad for feeling bad


    I hate these kind of nights

    2:38 am and I'm wide awake. Thoughts swarming, worries and fears in the air, depression really hits me in the night time the hardest. I usually sleep by 1:00 but every time I'm awake longer than that I don't sleep at all. I Have a new trend I thought I'd share in case it's of help to someone else. Now, when I can't sleep I go watch the sunrise, the most beautiful part of the day, calm, quiet, silent, and beautiful. Gets Me motivated for the day, gets me feeling optimistic. There's always light in darkness and nights like this feel hopeless until I made the decision to go watch the sunrise.
    #Depression #Anxiety #Trauma #Fear #worries #Doubts #Flashbacks #regrets #OnedayAtaTime #Reflection #Beauty

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    Anyone else black out during mania?

    5 years ago today, I got married. I was not medicated and not treated but did have Lorazepam on hand. Events throughout the day I knew I should have taken them but I just pushed through it bc I could do it in my own. Turns out, I was wound up tighter than a bull in a china shop. I’m standing in my dress getting fluffed and I hear ok Jessica it’s time!! I quickly panicked and asked my bridesmaid (whose also a RN so she knew I needed them and quickly.) I told her 3! She side eyed me and said no, 2. So I threw those back, and that’s all that I remember. My girls were all trying to talk to me while waiting for the doors to open so they could head down the aisle and asking if I was excited...and I apparently put up my hand in referenced stop talking to me. Anyways, I have no memory whatsoever of my wedding ceremony. None. And it wasn’t until I got my wedding photos back, did I really see how bad it was. You see every high, low and black eyes. No emotions. I didn’t even not that I was so nervous I dropped my husbands wedding ring while saying my vows to him. I’m very much grieving right now about how manic I went on my wedding day. And then shit hit the fan personally for us to celebrate our anniversary today and I wound up bawling and saying forget it. There’s nothing to celebrate. Took 2 Ativan and went to bed. I am just now stirring and my husband decided to go work on his project car in order to get away from me and my self wallowing.

    I AM NOT OK TODAY. #Mania #BipolarStigma #regrets #ijustwantobenormal


    Being Brave to Share Your Story Can Be A Challenge

    It can be very frightening to realize just how fast time flies by. Sometimes it is very easy to hold back on what one wants to do creatively because of the fear of negative responses. It is easy to just give up and fall out of practice of a craft because of the paralysis of vicious #selftal . This is especially true when one has a particularly cruel #selfdialogue . Nothing kills creativity faster than giving oneself a mean spirited lashing. It can lead to staring at blank screens and sobbing. Don't wait until you're #middleaged or older to put yourself out there. Do it #Now so you won't beat yourself up with #regrets

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    #Depression and #regrets Still Haunt Me

    I can't decipher what's #MentalIllness and what's just life being hard sometimes. The fact that I've #failed so often and incessantly, means it's harder to sift through the wreckage...