intrusive thoughts

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    What’s wrong with me? Can anyone relate?

    I know this is so random but earlier I unplugged my hoover from the wall socket and it had somehow broken away leaving a strange hole in the socket face. We didn’t know how it had happened but I was so overwhelmed bu how it looked, I physically couldn’t look at it and honestly even thinking about it now is making me feel so uncomfortable. I can’t stop thinking about it though… it’s like an intrusive thought playing over and over in my head and I feel this awful overwhelming “icky” uncomfortable feeling. There’s also a tiny niggle to go and look at it again to maybe show my brain it’s not so bad or see if it affects me in the same way but honestly the thought if it just makes me shudder.. has anyone else experienced this kind of thing or have any ideas what I am describing? How do I stop thinking about it? I hate that it’s there in my living room..! I feel so weird??!! I’ve heard of trypophobia and wonder if it’s like that?? When I was a child I remember I had a similar feeling when seeing holes in kidney beans made by weevils so think maybe it’s that but this plug socket today wasn’t a perfect circle or repeated pattern but I genuinely feel such an intense sense of disgust. Wtf??

    #Anxiety #AnxietyDisorder #trypophobia #mentaldisorder #obsessivecomplusivedisorder #OCD #Fear #disgust #IntrusiveThoughts #aversion #Depression #PanicDisorder

    1 reaction

    Poem: Iridescent

    Overlooked. Unseen maybe as they walk on by.
    Gazed right through me. Am I really here?
    Some days I felt translucent.
    Transparent? Hope fades. It's cold and empty.
    Is this all there is?
    This is the lie. I rejected you long ago.
    Trapped in darkness,  sickness and depression but no more.
    Freed. A glint. A glimmer. I turned just a little.
    The light reflected so beautifully. It sparkled. It shimmered.
    Am I iridescent, maybe.
    I rejected the empty words. They were lies.
    I searched for the Truth and found Him.
    My gaze now on Him.
    I am filled with abounding hope, joy, love and courage.
    So much more of His Spirit and goodness.
    I am oh so beautiful in Him.
    Through Him, I am radiating His colors
    as the Light shines upon me.
    I am a witness for You.
    To You alone be the glory honor and praise.
    I am iridescent for You.
    #BipolarDepression #Hope #Anxiety #IntrusiveThoughts #Faith

    14 reactions 1 comment

    Poem: Residency in Our Hearts

    We allow people residency in our hearts and minds. Sometimes in life we have people who are more like squatters there.
    But they are there because we, the landlords, have allowed them to take up room in our heart and mind. We focus on the hurt/offense. We are the landlord, only we can allow them there.
    We must renew our hearts and minds. Let go of any/all hurt, offense and choose to forgive.
    May they occupy our hearts and minds with a renewed mindset and love in our hearts. Choose healing. Choose freedom. Choose forgiveness.
    Live in the gift of the present.

    #IntrusiveThoughts #Anxiety #Forgiveness #Healing

    13 reactions 6 comments
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    How rested do you feel today?

    Do you ever just wake up and wonder how the heck a whole nighttime passed when you still feel bone-dee tired? That tends to be a common experience for people who live with health conditions.

    Maybe anxiety or intrusive thoughts keep you from closing your eyes, perhaps your chronic pain woke you up every hour or so, or it’s possible your depression makes it seem like you’ll never be able to sleep enough.

    How ya feeling today?

    #MightyMinute #MentalHealth #Insomnia #IntrusiveThoughts #Anxiety #Depression #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #Disability #RareDisease #Parenting #Autism

    178 reactions 56 comments

    Same Damn Songs - a poem set to music

    I have struggled for a long time with anxiety and intrusive thoughts, which occur throughout the day and into the night when I am trying to go to bed. Sometimes I stay up until odd hours just waiting to fall asleep while the thoughts keep talking. This song compares these thoughts to having a song stuck in your head. Both start when everything is quiet and continue with no foreseeable end. Not only do they both occur in the darkest hours, but they also create the darkest parts of each day. I know I am not alone in my fight against the negative thoughts, but I wanted to try to explain to others who may not know what it's like by comparing this specific experience to one that we are all familiar with. If you can relate at all, feel free to share :) #Anxiety #Depression #Song #IntrusiveThoughts #Poetry #MightyPoets

    Same Damn Songs

    Life's a record spinning round,

    and when it stops I hear the sound

    of melodies I'm trying to forget.

    Late at night I sit and wait

    while the static recreates

    a symphony of solo instruments.

    Catching tunes instead of dreams.

    Wound up by sadistic strings

    behind the prison bars that barely bend.

    My radio plays the same damn songs.

    Background noise from dusk till dawn

    'cause all the words are stuck in my head.

    And here I go again...

    I'm humming right along

    to the same damn songs.

    Even silence is too loud.

    Tell me how to turn it down.

    Will I ever sleep

    if they're on repeat?

    Change the station, I'm okay.

    But somehow they always play...

    The same damn songs.

    Captured and I can't escape

    from my personal mixtape

    of haunted heavy metal lullabies.

    Drumsticks hammer in my ear,

    and through the thunder I can hear

    the lyrics laugh when I shut off the light.

    I'm getting dizzy on this track,

    but measures take another lap

    to amplify the chaos they've composed.

    As the verses circulate,

    I wonder, is it far too late

    to rectify my riddled radio?

    But with one minor note...

    I'm humming right along

    to the same damn songs.

    Even silence is too loud.

    Tell me how to turn it down.

    Will I ever sleep

    if they're on repeat?

    Change the station, I'm okay.

    But the songs are on replay.

    Tired of listening

    to their whispering.

    Faceless echoes hold the key

    to disrupt my harmony.

    When I close my eyes,

    there's nowhere to hide.

    Clashing rhythm with my heart

    but they tear my mind apart...

    The same damn songs.

    14 reactions 10 comments
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    Intrusive Life

    I’ve been MIA for what feels like months rather than days, but life has really been getting in my way lately. This has me thinking about how in terms of our mental health, intrusive thoughts get a lot of attention—but what of the grist of life that we cannot control just as easily? These are matters in which we can only control how we react to them, but in times of reduced physical capability, they can be quite overwhelming and difficult to deal with… and the world doesn’t make many accommodations for the sick.

    In fact, I’ve found it to be quite the opposite. In that most people are more inclined to take advantage of my reduced capacity, than not. Family, friends, and foe alike.

    If life is a battlefield; there aren’t many spare horses available to accommodate the wounded in the dailiness of living, so most of my friends and family have simply left me behind to fend for myself. So if nothing else, ableism has taught me that it is wears the same face as ageism, because our society has commodified people to the point that we are valued by how much energy we have to contribute, rather than the wisdom of experience we have to offer. I’ve also encountered a few illness groupies, who appear to delight in what I’ve come to think of as “sickness tourism” or “illness voyeurism.” It’s clear they aren’t so much there for me, so much as they show up for a taste of my drama, before moving on to the next crisis to feast on and nourish their saviour complexes.

    And foes—well—being sick has given me a massive new enemy, given my healthcare system is less interested in helping me to get better, and more interested in telling me that I’m not gettting better because I AM the problem.

    It also doesn’t help that my father passed away several years ago, and entrusted the care of his estate to a bank who have disregarded many of their fiduciary responsibilities so that after much effort on my part: I discovered that they committed a series of breaches, which I have had to escalate to the appropriate ombudsman. And as the oldest sibling, the fight for justice falls mostly on me. It is also bitter pill, because I’m certain this has contributed much to my poor health, yet I also need the money to spend on private healthcare.

    And like most, I have a partner, a house, and pets that need caring for, but I have no support system. My other half and I support each other; but it doesn’t alter the fact that some of these responsibilities would be difficult for any person to juggle. Never mind that I’m also trying to fight for my health, my inheritance, run a business, maintain boundaries with all the narcissists I have had to spend a great deal of time and effort to understand that I naturally attract, maintain my sense of self, and somehow try to emerge from all this whole.

    Spoiler: I probably won’t. But I try to remind myself that I would rather come out the other side of the hand I’ve been dealt with a few bruises, than to never have tried at all. Or worse; to have attempted to rely on others to play for me—because that game is a guaranteed losing hand.

    #MentalHealth #IntrusiveThoughts #ChasingLife #LifeLessons #TheDisabledLife #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #Thoughts #MyCondition #ChronicIllness

    12 reactions

    Birthday depression

    Todays my birthday and words can’t describe how much I hate this day.
    Every single year I cry and remember, how disappointing this day is. It’s not a celebration for me.
    It’s a reminder how much crap I’ve dealt with, how much time has passed since my teen years when I was at least a bit happier. How little people care about you, or not at all. It’s just a one huge disappointment.
    I keep thinking of how nothing changes for positive. Same thing, different year. Even if I tried being excited about it or fo something fun, people let me down and my positive spirit vanishes.
    It drains me so much and leads me straight to my intrusive thoughts that tells me to end it, to stop the constant unhappiness and disappointment, that I’m worthless and nobody cares. It makes me so overwhelmed. #Depression #IntrusiveThoughts #Anxiety

    42 reactions 24 comments

    Sunday Thoughts

    ... Sundays seem to be the day my mind wanders & overflows itself with "I should do this.." "what ifs" "I need to do this.." & other random things.

    My Sunday job gives me the opportunity to let my mind go it's own way yet I can't act on those "ideas" & what not til I get home, obviously. Annoying thing tho, when I get home, my mind shuts completely off & nothing gets accomplished.

    I journal at night & some times, I "yell" at myself for allowing sabotage vibes take control. I "yell" at myself for not following thru with the plans I originally made.

    Every Jan. 1st, I come up with a word for the year & this year I've chosen "Accountability." Start holding myself accountable for my own actions. My own self sabotage. My own doings. I want all this in my life & yet I don't follow thru for the most part. Accountability is something I've needed to focus on for some time now! This yr, it's time.

    I've made a list of 300 things I'd love to accomplish this year. Have I read it to myself in the morning since Jan. 1st? No, I have not! See why I chose that word? Lol. Have I done any of my daily intentions or daily chores I've set out to accomplish for that day, no I have not.

    My inner world is so broken. Trying to heal & fix cycles that have been on repeat for so long, that ish is hard to demolish. It's like taking a tiny hammer to some very strong cemet bricks & no progress is made. I need my sledgehammer.

    My Sunday Thoughts have been a thing for some time now. Trying to carry them into the week is not easy for me. All I do is beat myself up. Therapy has helped some on how to flip the switch of negative talk to positive, but I find myself quickly sinking to the bottom of the negative.

    Speaking of therapy, when new wounds are open, those trigger next day emotions that some days lead to a few days in a row. Journaling those specific emotions is a release to an extent. Insomnia comes out of the woods & is like, let's play. Again, my mind wanders to whatever is thrown its way... nvr ending cycle.

    You know that story, If You Give A Mouse A Cookie..... the lil guy remembers so much with every task he's given & leads to more tasks... that's how I feel most days & nights. Mind is non stop!

    ..... just like this post. I can just keep going with whatever is on my mind, but I'm not going to. Ugh. My life. My life of a wandering mind. My life of trying to calm thy mind..

    #Anxiety #Depression #Insomnia #IntrusiveThoughts #Migraines #Therapy #Healing #CheckInWithMe #Chatspace #GAD #PTSD #Undiagnoused #NegativeThoughts

    6 reactions 2 comments

    How to handle expectations from others about speed of recovery?

    Hello everyone, my husband and I are hoping to get some suggestions from you. My husband has been working through a bunch of things: disordered eating, intrusive thoughts, fear of getting sick and beneath all that is some form of trauma. The journey to recover from these things have not been straightforward or easy but over two years he has made progress in healing.

    Unfortunately, his parents have not been able to understand the situation no matter how much we try to explain it. They keep asking him every week "Are you better yet?" even though we've made it clear it may take years to recover. They also push for medication because they "don't see progress" even though my husband has explicitly explained many times that it wasn't right for him.

    Do you have any suggestions on how to handle such expectations? Have you gone through such an experience and what did you try?

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts

    #PTSD #CPTSD #DisorderedEating #IntrusiveThoughts

    31 reactions 9 comments


    I am constantly processing how unsafe of a situation I was in. I didn’t fully realize it until recently.
    Now I’m dealing with the consequences with #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #ChronicMigraines #nausea #Flashbacks #IntrusiveThoughts
    And there is no safety net.
    Every time I hear the words “go to a shelter” I am immediately triggered. How does one stay in a shelter when they are so sick? I had an absolutely terror of a migraine because I couldnt get to my aimovig and I had to order a new one but first i needed an address to get it sent to.
    Not only was the pain off the charts for me, I couldn’t stop throwing up. But I couldn’t go to the ER because of the last experience I had when I was looking for safety from the relationship I was in and they called me paranoid and suicidal.
    I cannot manage my triggers. I cannot stop shaking. I’m rapidly alternating between hot and cold
    Also- for funsies my pharmacy doesn’t know when it’s going to get my #ADHD meds back in so I have a couple of pills to get me through… three days? If you have ever had the fun of trying to get a controlled substance switched to a different pharmacy during the holidays- you will recognize the impossibility of doing so.
    I’m tired of things being presented to me as options when they aren’t. It feels like these options are only illusions for healthy people to feel safe that if they got to this point, they’d get help.
    And I had a housing voucher- but the agency I was working with assigned to help me didn’t. And so now i have to go back on the waiting list while sitting in boiling water. Again. Like- it isn’t a slow simmer. It’s been a rapid boil for years now.
    Any proposed solution doesn’t take into account the myriad of obstacles that is my life.
    I am lacking most forms of personal/social support. No one in my life “gets it.”
    It feels like people are annoyed with me because there are no solutions. The number of people telling me “can’t you just work?” is astounding. Especially considering those people know my situation. They have seen how sick I get.
    It just all feels so unbearable and so inhumane.

    5 reactions