IOP

Hi all. 90 days no contact today. My friend contacted him today because he owes me a good amount of money and promised to pay it back in September. My friend is a fierce protector of me. She was adamant that he not take advantage of any sympathy or compassion I have for him because it has been THREE months since the breakup. After this prodding, he said the exactly the following:

Listen. I get it. I’ve got a LOT going on right now. I’ve been on the phone with the suicide hotline twice in the last month and have considered admitting myself into a mental hospital lately.

He continues promising to prioritize his debt to me.

I now have answers. He’s not okay. He’s not doing well. He has not figured things out after leaving me.

He also doesn’t know that I called those same lines in the middle of the night when he left. That I spent 36 days and 108 hours working on coping with why he left in Intensive Outpatient Programming (IOP). That I have already gotten to the other side of the journey he has barely set foot on.

In my journal exercise writing a letter to him tonight, I tried to sum up this unbelievably conflicting event that has me stunned:

“I am so worried about you, your job, your livelihood, and your well-being. I am so angry that you pushed me away instead of leaning on me to support you through tough times. I hope you understand that there is virtually nothing you could have done that would have resulted in me leaving you. I had the unconditional love for you that we once discussed. You had me.

I will never understand why you pushed me away like you did. I am angry that you have stayed far away. But I have the unconditional love. You have hurt me, yet I still love you with all of my being. It’s not fair to me, but it is the way I hold those that I love. With forgiveness and grace.”

#Anxiety #breakup #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #IOP #Grief

Yesterday, after 36 days and 108 of intensive outpatient programming, I discharged from my program. It is time and it feels like a new life and a worry about the future at the same time.

It’s been almost exactly 12 weeks since the breakup and today was Day 77 of no contact.

I found out late today that my partner, who as I’ve mentioned before left me over the phone and has vanished since, was put on administrative leave from his job. He is also a teacher. In my experience, teachers are very rarely out on administrative leave. It usually only happens after some kind of gross misconduct, likely involving a student. From what I hear, he just got back from his leave but is expected to be terminated shortly.

The immediate reaction from my family has been “this is not our worry or problem” and “you don’t need to think about it” and “you dodged a bullet.” This invalidates my experience.

I still worry about him. I wish he’d reach out. This makes me think about what he was going through when he drove by me on the highway or unfollowed me on Instagram. Did I have anything to do with his deterioration? Did he have a mental breakdown?

I don’t blame myself for his actions. I am mostly sad and angry that he left me how he did and instead of improve himself like he claimed he wanted to, he spiraled. My absence seems to have hurt him in some way. In some twisted way, that brings me comfort. And he has no idea how his absence hurt me.

We both took pain and did something different. As much as many of you may want to write him off or condemn him, I am concerned for him. And as I have for months, I wish he’d reach out.

All I can do is keep walking. The path for me? I can see the important next steps.

#Grief #breakup #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Anxiety #IOP

It has been 10 weeks since the break up. Today was Day 65 of no contact. I have completed 32 days of IOP. Today was Day 15 of school. There are 165 days of school remaining.

Tonight, I got home from a late practice and discovered that he’s unfollowed my personal Instagram account, which was the last remaining social media connection that we had. I had unfollowed him the night that he broke up with me over the phone, but he continued to follow me.

I can’t explain why this is so upsetting to me. Part of me wants to feel really stupid for being so upset, but I am really sad. He would check up on my stories every day. I don’t understand why it took two months for him to do it. It seems like such a trivial thing, but to me right now, it is a huge blow. The grief has been muted since I’ve gone back to work. I still feel really sad about everything.

My latest goal in IOP is to work on feeling sadness without judgment. I’m not sure how to not judge myself for feeling immense sadness about this. A social media thing.

I wish I could paint for you how big my love is on one canvas and how big my grief is on another. I feel like they’re inside me and not many people understand them.

I have found some comforting influencers who focus on break ups on Instagram. One of them talks about how lonely a break up is because no matter how many people are around, your experience is extremely personal. No one person, except yourself, can truly feel that pain. I wish there was a more relieving way to express my pain other than crying. But crying does bring some relief.

Living through this break up has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I wish this pain on no one. With that, I leave the rest of my expression to my tears.

#Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #IOP #Grief #breakup

I tried to go to bed early. But now I’m awake, staring at the door. I leave the door to my room open now. I used to leave it closed when we were together, but every night since I’ve left it open.

Maybe a part of me thinks that it’s a symbol for something. Maybe a part of me thinks that I’ll hear the door open, the alarm disarmed, and the sounds of him putting his laundry in the washing machine before he goes to work. The sound of his feet towards my room to give me a goofy hug and kiss while I’m still half asleep before he starts the washer and leaves. The way he came back with McDonald’s breakfast and told me that it was “time to get up sleepyhead.”

Sometimes, it’s just really really sad. There’s nothing else to say.

#Grief #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #IOP #breakup

It took two months for a therapist of any kind to finally say something that made sense. In my IOP program, I participate in a mixture of group therapy and private sessions with a therapist and a nurse practitioner who manages my meds.

I have a nurse practitioner named Lisa. Initially she gave me some advice and asked me to question why I’m not reaching out to my partner after all this time. Today, I told her that it feels like I can’t and we explored it and she told me exactly why I don’t

“Because he failed you,” she told me. “You have a strong sense of value in self-worth and you believe that you are someone worth wanting. You don’t want to go crawling back to him because you believe that you deserve for him to come crawling back to you. You believe you deserve for someone to want you.”

I’m on the tail end of 23 years old. People tell me I’m really young. This pain has made me feel older. I juggle my job, the gym, my program, and the daily reminders of the person I loved the most. Still do.

But through it all, I’ve had this shred of self-worth the whole time. I’d do anything to get him back, except give up my pride and who I am and beg for something that he may never want. My greatest revenge is doing what I’m doing while he considers how much time he has left to figure things out.

This is the first time I felt OK with being strong in quite a while. It’s because I refused to be strong and not sad or vice versa. I’m both most of the time.

It’s been two months to the day since the breakup. Day 56 of no contact. 29 days of IOP completed. Nine days nine days of the school year complete. 171 days to go.

#Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Grief #breakup #IOP

Motivated. Energetic. Engaged. Wistful. Mellow.

Tired. Confused. Sad. Grieving.

Productive. Organized.

Longing. Lonely. Questioning. Helpless.

I can have choice in so many things except for the thing I want the most.

#Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #IOP #breakup #Grief

Day 57 of the breakup. Day 51 of no contact. Day 26 of IOP completed. Day 6 of school, 172 days left.

At the beginning of June, before all this happened, I put in for two tickets to see a show in the city. To my surprise, at the end of July, I was chosen to see the show. It really hurt to his name off of the list and request one ticket, one ticket for myself.

Tonight, on the highway driving to the show, I saw his car. I’m positive it was his, because of the distinctive license plate frame. I drove behind, next to, and in front of him for over 30 minutes. I think some point he realized that I was driving near him, since my car is also very distinctive, and stayed back, driving slowly. Panicked, I kept my eyes forward, and I refused to look through the window and see if it was him. I haven’t seen him, heard his voice, or been anywhere close to him since all of this happened.

I had a lot of fun at the show by myself. Reminds me how much I enjoy the city and visiting.

He lives in the city. We did a lot of things there together. It is really hard to do these things without him… sharing a really fun and beautiful night in a beautiful place without the person I want to share it with most.

All I can do is keep moving on. It’s so frustrating that there’s no better way. Hopefully you can see how torn I feel and while yes, I’m making progress, the moments that are beautiful are also so jarring and painful. I make so many choices on the daily and this is some thing I can’t choose. It’s as big as the city itself.

#Anxiety #breakup #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Grief #IOP

I haven’t heard from him in 50 days. It’s crazy to think that it’s been that long. I still feel all the things. Anything I’ve learned since has been in addition to those feelings. It’s been hard. I have been very tired. I have had a lot to work on in my IOP program. But none of it pushes him away or pushes my grief and longing out of my life.

I’ve reconciled the fact that not much can make things better. I sit with what I feel. I started to make my bed every day. I started journaling. I started working on a mental health skill journal. I redecorated.

All of that is the bravery I have. I’m not gonna let go of anything because I’m not holding anything that I don’t validate. I’m not holding myself back. I feel connection and feel control.

But it’s still sad. 50 days has been a lot. It’s quiet sometimes when I wish it wasn’t.

#Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #IOP #breakup #Grief

45 days no contact. 7 weeks since the three clicks of the phone hanging up. 23 days of IOP completed. 2 days of teaching complete.

It’s foggier in the back of my brain. It’s not less painful or less significant for me. I feel the same things.

I am so intensely focused on a morning routine, the gym, my planner, and my journal. Then teaching and my job. The six different courses (literally all different) every day for another 178 days.

And him. Because he’s still here.

I don’t really get any of it. The silence or the reasons. I want to think he’s struggling the more the days go by with what he did. He is viewing my Instagram stories every time I post what I made for dinner or the trip to the county fair.

I’m trying. Not sure for what but I’m hoping it’s the right reasons.

#breakup #OCD #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Anxiety #IOP