breakup

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I saw him today

Hey Mighty,

As you may know from following along with my journey, I was left by my partner in June of 2024 and had to deal with getting money back and not having answers, etc. ever since.

I walked into a concert with some friends this afternoon and saw this man on the stage in front of us. He was in the show.

This was the first time I had seen him since before he left me. I remember the week before, he showed up with my favorite Starbucks drink before we both had to go to work. That memory gets hazier every day, but it came back strong today.

I went to intensive outpatient programming to deal with the crisis following the separation and have made many life changes since then.

I think the word I would use to describe how I felt looking at this small man on the big stage is “strong.” I still feel many things, but I was strong today and proud to stand with my grief, sadness, anger and strength.

P.S. my friends think he saw us and freaked out, so that was exciting :)

#Grief #breakup #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder

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About 200 Days Later

After 200 days, I ask:

Why do I still leave my bedroom door open as a symbol of thinking he may return?

Why do I wonder what he’s doing during moments in the day?

Why does it never seem as sad but I feel sad because I’m not sad?

Why do I still remember what my life looked and felt like?

How can I still remember what he looked like or felt like?

How can I still think he’s decent when he said undeniably hurtful things?

Why is my job and life still much harder without him?

Onward we go to another 200 days. 💔

#breakup #heartbreak #Anxiety #Grief #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #nocontact

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About a year now.

A year ago, on a Sunday morning, I went on a date that changed my life.

I remember what I wore. What I ate. That I couldn’t stop sneaking a look at him.

And now I cross into a world in which I’ve been without him longer than I was ever with him.

#Grief #breakup #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder

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Never fails to disappoint.

He has two remaining payments before he is finished with owing me money. He left me at the end of June. We are now in December.

He missed a payment yesterday so I sent a request. Today is his birthday. I won’t be reaching out for obvious reasons, but I still expect the money. It all sucks.

How amazing is it that he can continue to make promises that he breaks without fail?

#breakup #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder

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150 days after

It’s been more than 150 days and I still remember so many things vividly. But I also can start to think about what comes next. I firmly do believe that there is a guy out there who will love my grit, strong personality, high achieving attitudes, and upending of traditional gender roles. I don’t think I’ve lost hope. This is a strange feeling.

My therapist will hopefully be happy to hear this. And she will remind me:

It could be him (the him I keep referring to) or it could be someone else.

Maybe I’m finally okay with either.

#Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #breakup

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Dreams

I’ve been pretty stoic about it in my waking hours but I see him when I sleep.

I dream about his family. Having a conversation with him. Running into him at school. Or in public. I have only a foggy outline of his figure and have lost any semblance of his voice completely.

I’ll never forget a dream from that first week, where we drove past each other on the highway and stopped, staring at each other and then moving on.

I never remember what I say. I just know I won’t be able to say anything at all to him in real life.

#breakup #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Anxiety #heartbreak

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Nervous for the festivities

We started dating right before Christmas in 2023. It was the best gift I had ever received. I can’t express to you what joy I felt.

I’m worried for the holidays now. Not because I can’t have some fun, but because something will be very different this year. The apartment that he helped me move to is going to be decorated alone and I’ll celebrate here without him. It doesn’t feel right. Even though he’s been gone for so long.

It’s almost been five months now. Soon I will have been without him for longer than I was ever with him. Man, this is hard.

P.S. I am doing just fine. School is a lot of work and I’m taking care of what needs to be taken care of. Thanks for letting me share the stuff I don’t get to talk about as much.

#Grief #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #breakup #heartbreak

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Other things he said yesterday that I just cannot stop replaying in my head

For new folks, I was dumped at the end of June over the phone by someone who I was convinced was my life partner. It was out of nowhere. He has not spoken to me since. He has financial and career struggles. I’ve had severe struggles since the breakup because of the shock it caused. This is why I joined The Mighty.

His texts to my friend yesterday:

“I’m down to be cordial and friends if she wants. Personally I’m not sure she can handle that.”

“I'm very easy going and I don't like to hold grudges, especially toward past partners.”

“I want her to be comfortable and happy.”

“I honestly couldn't hang up the phone and lie to her and tell her I still loved her.”

“I don't think I'm should be at fault for realizing that she wasn't my person and ending things.”

I need help. Is this how someone you were so close with talks about you? Is this normal? Is this as cold as I feel it is? Why is this so hard for me to deal with? Is it just the cold tone of a text? I don’t understand what I’m feeling.

#Grief #breakup #Relationships #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder

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Eerie.

I woke up a little while ago to hear the rain pounding and in my head all I can hear is “I couldn’t lie to her and tell her I still loved her.”

I just want to get through this day. This is a nightmare.

#Grief #breakup #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder

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See full photo

I broke no contact.

Back to Day 0. But I think I said the right thing. I hope he knows now that I cannot try and see him as a good person anymore.

Heartbroken. Now, time to eat. I haven’t today.

#Grief #breakup #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder

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