longstory

It was five months after I experienced the most painful death in my life and I was getting/trying to stay sober and doing everything I could to stay above the waves drowning me daily.
I was only getting out of bed for work and doing what could to maintain my self-care and keep going. Doing what I could to make my weekly therapy sessions and follow through with my outpatient rehab.

Then I finally hit a wall
I was lonely
I thought I'll just get on Hinge one more time not to date just for some companionship. Just to have someone to go out with and talk to not for love.

I met a couple of nice souls who understood I wasn't wanting to date and remained respectful to me and my story and continued to talk with me.
I've been through a lot and I'm glad they saw I was in no place for anything serious.

Then I met You.
You made me feel special you made me feel seen you told me everything I've been dying to hear since I was a little girl learning about fairy tales and princes.
You shared your pain with me and made me feel related to you were always supportive and uplifted me in ways no one has before. You reminded me of the person I lost to death and I clung to it.
I felt a fire ignite in me I began to feel alive again I started working out and smiling and enjoying my job everyone could see how happy I was. You were deployed when we started talking but you would be home in a month and I was so excited. Then you told me you loved me and I believed you. Then you told me you wanted to marry me and that no one has made you feel this way again after your own life of pain... And I believed you.
With my heart being so broken and vulnerable I fed off your words and I gave you all my trust.
For I have lived a life of abuse and was weary of being touched.

Finally, the day came when I would meet you for the first time.
You came onto me and I allowed it bc I believed you loved me I believed every single promise you made me I looked at them daily to keep my depression at bay.

Only for the very next day
You started acting differently.
You were cold and distant even rude to me when we were together. I assumed it was your PTSD and depression from being deployed as you had warned me. I let every harsh action and word slide bc I loved you and I didn't want to give up on you like the rest. I fed off the small victories you would give me like meeting your family and going to Arizona and other places to be introduced to your friends. I sat patiently waiting for any ounce of affection you would allow me after weeks of telling me you couldn't wait to cuddle me. I was desperate. But it got worse and worse and I began to get more and more depressed and you started to tell me I was too much or I wasn't enough or anything you could no matter how much I changed myself to accommodate you. So I broke up with you.
But you wouldn't let me go you continued to bait me with “love” and continued to use me for sex. And I loved you so much I didn't stop you bc I thought you were just scared and hurting. I didn't want to abandon you.
But the hot and cold you were giving me was becoming too much. I didn't want to play anymore and I voiced myself.
Eventually, my emotions were too much for you and you blocked me. Told me to leave you alone and to not make things worse. And with a broken heart I did I let you go in hopes one day when you were yourself again when you were the boy I had fallen in love with again you'd reach out to me and explain what went wrong and apologize for how you treated me.

You left me to my first year of grief after telling me you would be there for me that I would never feel alone again.

And I began to suffocate as the memories popped up on my social media about the days I unknowingly had left with my best friend before he died. I wept and wept for weeks wondering how on earth did I mess things up and how did I get the only man who could love me to leave me what was so wrong with me that I'm left alone in my sorrow again?
I clung to the hope you would come back for me bc I believed you when you said you loved me and that you were just going through a lot right now having been deployed.
My emotions were all over the place I felt like I was dying. I had good days and I started to move forward then id find something out about you and would come crashing down into myself again.

After a few months I couldn't stand it I wanted companionship a distraction ANYTHING to get my mind off him. And I tried to download dating apps again. For a few weeks, I would make a profile and then delete it and then make a new one and then delete it. Finally, I got back on hinge and made a few matches with some decent people but didn't feel much. I finally matched with a guy who had already served 10 years and was a gulf war veteran. And he was also just looking for a friend since he had just gone through a pretty bad breakup.
We talked shit about our exes and when it was my turn it sparked his interest when I mentioned the airforce guy I had just dated and his back story. He began to ask more questions about the airforce boy and his rank and his job. He said something wasn't adding up with the airforce boy’s story. I know nothing about the army so I was none the wiser but I gave him the information I had and to my surprise, he gave me his number and told me to call him bc of what he found and it was going to be easier said over the phone.

I couldn't believe my ears.
Air Force boy had lied to me about everything. Lied about his whole military career. And with that proof, it was like the sheet had been torn away and I could see through his every action and every word I saw The Lies. It felt like a weight had been lifted from my heart. It Wasnt Me it Wasnt My fault I didn't ruin anything 💔
I was just a broken girl who met the wrong person at the wrong time and got taken advantage of.

It's been a process.
This guy I just met freed me with the truth and gave me the closure I needed to let go and move on. I don't think about it anymore but I've had a hard time forgiving the airforce dude and letting go of the hatred in my heart. How could he in good conscience manipulate and use me knowing the world of pain I've been through? Knowing how fragile I was barely holding onto life? Who knows why people do evil things? Sometimes bad things just happen to good people.
And I hope one day I can finally let go of this hatred I hold. That I can heal from all the men from my past who've taken advantage of my big heart. Because I want to enjoy my life. I want to live for the ones I've lost to death that loved me deeply and want me to be happy. I want to live For Me.

Life can be hell but it can also be beautiful and I'm doing my best to see that🤍

May all of you who have had similar stories also heal from others' wrongdoings onto you and be able to enjoy life again knowing there is nothing wrong with you sometimes we just love the wrong people. That it's okay to be happy and not punish ourselves for being tricked that letting go doesn't mean what happened to us doesn't matter.
Moving on just means you love yourself more🤍
Thank you for listening to my story and letting me vent I've been holding onto this pain for so long and it feels good to let it out.

I'm still fairly new to my mental health journey, but I feel as though I am making some progress. And I feel the need to post my story somewhere. It has been quite the journey thus far. One that I plan to continue for a very long time.

When I started 2019, I was in a very dark place. I felt lost, hopeless. Like the world was drained of color and light. Like I had blinders on, and could only focus on what was right in front of me because the rest of the world was too much. I couldn't "think about thinking" without spiraling into past traumas and painful memories. Opinions about myself from myself and from others were not kind. But it would get better, I thought. I could pull myself up by my bootstraps like I have been time and time again.

I'm pretty sure those bootstraps were very close to breaking by this point.

My new years resolution for 2019 was to better myself, in every way. I got a gym membership and started working out regularly. I was eating healthier, meal prepping every meal, protein shakes for breakfast. And I (finally) went to a general practitioner for a physical and routine bloodwork. That was the first time I had taken the depression and anxiety screening form.

My GP was just about done with my physical and was getting ready to walk out the door when she finally looked at the clipboard. "Wait these numbers aren't right." she says as she shuts the door. "Depression?"
That was the first time a professional someone asked about it. The first time someone who had the power to help finally stepped in. And that was the moment this all began.

I was referred to a Therapist, who, after only about 2 sessions, could see very clearly I suffered from severe Major Depressive Disorder. And based off of the list of criteria, it was undeniable. The word severe kind of startled me. Surely it wasn't that bad, right? How could this be considered "severe"? But she was right. And while talk therapy was going to help, it would be a long and painful road to state of balance. So we sought medicinal help. I went to my GP, had that conversation, chose the one I wanted to try (I'm terrified of side effects and weight gain. We chose the one with the least amount) and that was that.

The day I started taking it was the day I started to feel better. Colors were brighter. The world had life in it again, my world had life in it again. It felt like a weight had been lifted, a weight that I never understood just how heavy it was.

Now I know these meds have a loading time. I know that they take 4-6 weeks before one generally starts to see improvement. But the moment I finally started taking steps to better myself, the moment I took control, was the moment I started to get better.

Up until fairly recently.

I'm starting to run out of room, so I'll continue in the comments!