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Behaviours and self sabotage #flirting #monogamy #venting

I mean
I feel quite ashamed of having realized and of sharing this but tbh I just hope someone here will tell me I’m not the only one or even if I am the only one that it’s ok.

I know that some of our behaviours are like patterns of self sabotage.. like our mind is always trying to get us back to that place of hurt that is so awful but at the same time so confortable.. but .. do you think that flirting or actually getting involved (by talking only - and imagination) with someone else while at the same time being so so so happy on my loving relationship (that is monogamous)?

I really just talked via message with this other person that I know messes with my mind (and I’m hating myself for that yet can’t stop thinking about them)
But I notice it’s like a pattern
Am I just a bad person? Or could I be self sabotaging (I don’t know exactly why I would)?
why do I do this?? :(

3 reactions 1 comment
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Every Day, Lately

Yesterday, I shared how my mornings go. Today I will elaborate on why "Every Morning" is so very exhausting.

I've been in the mental hospital more times than I would like to admit. However before that, I went to college majoring in biology and neuroscience. I wanted to understand my chronic issues and "fix me".

Unfortunately, I did not find for what I was looking. Going through several different specialists, I found some diagnosis (treatment resistant depression, generalized anxiety disorder, a circadian rhythm disorder, sleep apnea mixed in with a bit of obsessive compulsive disorder and perfectionism).

I never found a medication or medication combination that revolutionized my life. I found many coping mechanisms that helped like medication, a proper diet, journaling, blue light therapy, talk therapy, yoga, dance, deep breathing techniques, transcranial magnetic stimulation therapy (TMS), acupuncture, Chinese herbs, teas and lately, homeopathy.

However, as I alluded to earlier life happens and you are left flat broke (literally), unable to pay for most of these services. For example, due to my mental health, I had to leave graduate school and move in with my parents. My business failed, and at this point no one will hire me. My ex-husband left because he couldn't support us (along with a mental breakdown of his own). So, I am left alone, depressed, anxious, unemployed, living with my parents, picking up the pieces fighting the strong urge to just give up. Did I mention I my mornings are actually afternoons? (More on that later.)

Yes, this is officially a "Cry Me a River" post. However, that's why I joined this platform. I officially have no one to really talk to or in my case 'vent'. However, I think that is why we are all here. Am I right? Let's get all of our problems out in the open and support each other?

Well, I definitely hope that is the case because most 'normal people' look at me, when they hear my story and say, "I am praying for you". They also say, "I am sending you good vibes".

That's all very nice and appreciated but I am sincerely looking for the support and strength to keep going. I want to keep finding the good things in life, the joy, the wonder, the excitement, anything that makes my life worth living. I don't want to give into the perpetual desire to clock out of the human race. (Not that there is any guarantee things will be better on the other side, just saying.)

As Angelica Hudson says to Drew Barrymore in "Ever After" (It's a really sweet movie by the way.) "No matter how bad things may get, they can always get worse."

It's up to me to make it better and that's a hard concept to swallow. It's just me against this crazy spinning rock. :/

#Support #Depression #Anxiety #ChronicIllness #Community #Support #venting #circadianrhythmdisorder #Journaling #TMS #Acupuncture #chineseherbs #homeopathy #financiallystruggling #unemployed #Divorce #Burnout #Loneliness #Hope #strength #NeverGiveUp #onwardandupward #togetherwecan

26 reactions 6 comments

How to even have more faith in society? | TW mentions of exclusionism, some swearing, some all caps











I'm LGBTQ+. I'm transmasc non-binary. I'm otherkin (not human). I'm Black. I have autism (please don't call my autism a disorder/disability/syndrome) and anxiety, and someone with trauma. I cry very easily. I am overweight. I am a part of a plural/collective. I am non-romantically polyamorous. And every damn day, I feel like this world called society is just here to for the sole purpose to shit on others, betray others, or just to secretly judge others, including me.

Every day, it is getting much harder and harder to believe that there is a single damn individual out there (other than my current therapist, all of my partners, my dad, and a few friends) who has common sense, is open-hearted, is open-minded, and doesn't like to discriminate or invalidate others for being different or for experiencing different things, or labeling themselves differently. Sometimes, the anxiety gets to the point where it seems like going out is stupid for me. What's the point?

It's like almost every damn community I've been a part of (and left) and witnessed just LOVES to INVALIDATE OTHERS SOMEHOW?! It's so annoying and stupid and it's just like... why can't you just fucking accept someone for who they are??? All of this just makes me so fucking angry and just...!!

...Sigh. Now that that's off my chest... may I ask for advice on how to go about this? I already currently seeing a therapist, luckily. Right now, it is very very hard for me to get off this mindset because I believe it's true, sadly.. this society and all of other individuals' opinions is tearing me apart..

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MentalHealth #helpme #Vent #venting #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder #anger #help #Society #Advice #triggerwarning #Neurodiversity #LGBTQIA #plural #otherkin

22 reactions 5 comments

I am not unbreakable, I am breaking right now

This is a line in a song in Gilmore Girls, A year in the life. And it stuck with me.
So many of us are used to being so strong.
Keeping it together.
Keeping it going.
Staying positive.
Seeing the glass half full.
Practicing gratitude.
Acknowledging the beauty in it all.
The lessons.
Wearing the high functioning masks.
It becomes a way of life in a life that is hard to live.
A life that would be too heavy to live if we didn't have our practice of resilience.
But even we break.
And I am breaking right now.
Depression has crept in and is gnawing away.
I am used to this.
I know how the cycle goes.
I have to give it room.
It only gets worse if I fight it.
I have to flow with it until I hit bottom.
Then the only way is up.
I am grateful I know this.
It gives me a sense of hope in the dark.
Something to cling to.
So even as I break, I am resilient.
It's hard when you break. It's crushing.
And it's hard to put yourself back together afterwards.
But I do it. Time and time again.
And I'll do it this time to.
But for now:
No, I am not unbreakable.
I am breaking right now.
Thank you for listening.
I needed to vent.

17 reactions 12 comments
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I’m scared and done with this society… does anyone even care…? | TW mentions of police, family, swearing, some all caps, possibly ableism?

Being autistic feels like a fucking crime these days.

I was staying at a hotel because was about to lose my fucking mind staying at home with my youngest nephew making a lot a noise constantly throughout the day. What my dad said earlier about check-out, I’ve misinterpreted, but he fully apologized and takes full responsibility as he should’ve made it clearer.

I was getting ready to check-out, but it was an hour later because I was getting ready to check-out. Security came to my door and said that I needed to come out, and I told them that I was just getting ready to leave. Packing as fast as I possibly could, they came back again and threatened to call the police on me if I didn’t get out of there soon. I literally told them that I was packing as fast as I could and that I had an appointment an hour after the check up time (and I couldn’t reschedule or else my mom would have to pay over $100 for canceling ,and I didn’t want to do that to her!) … and of course they did care about that last part.

Pissed off, I left the hotel in tears and placed the card keys at express check out. I wanted to complain, but I didn’t bother because I was just so mad and honestly scared for my life.

My dad told me that the police part is just something they say to get others out. If this is a fucking neurotypical norm, I want to let you know: 1) I HATE being pressured or someone trying to rush me and 2) I HATE being FUCKING THREATENED, especially regarding something TO DO WITH THE POLICE! Are you kidding me?!?!

Society SERIOUSLY needs to know how traumatizing and/or stressful that is to hear for neurodivergent individuals who 1) completely misinterpreted what check-out restrictions mean, 2) are trying their fucking hardest to do something in time, and 3) LITERALLY MEAN NO FUCKING HARM!!!!!!!

Now, I’m fucking scared to even go outside anymore. I feel like society just doesn’t want me. I feel like society just sees me as a criminal, or just sees my autism as criminalistic.

I know I was overstimulated earlier with my younger nephew, but I’d rather deal with this and possibly lose my mind than be FUCKING THREATENED TO HAVE THE POLICE ONTO ME!

#IsThisAbleism #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #NeurotypicalNorms #StopThis #Police #overstimulated #Norms #scared #Stress #Society #venting #Vent #triggerwarning #MentalHealth #Ableism

5 reactions 1 comment

Triggers, pet peeve responses, and being overwhelmed | TW swearing, family

For my mental health sake, I sincerely ask if you could please censor c*v*d-19 (o, i) or the other words, p*nd*mic (a, e), and q**rantine (ua) or leave them out entirely before posting any comments. Thank you, you’re the best!
Before I say anything, I just want everybody to know that I am not intending to be/sound rude when I say any of this.

Saying that “well, *trigger word* is not going to go away” or “it is what it is” are the least helpful things you can say to someone with triggers, because to me, it feels like you’re saying “welp, you’re screwed for the rest of your life” and for the latter “I simply don’t care”, even if you’re not intending to sound that way.

Yes, I still have these words as my triggers everyday. It still brings me flashbacks whenever I fucking hear any of the words and how much of a sad life I’m still in (and I already have mostly negative views about society) because I unintentionally drag myself into that very sad period of 2020 and beyond.

I’m trying to work this over with my therapist, but I haven’t because there’s a thousand things that happen with me and are on my fucking mind everyday, and if not everyday, then most days (traumatic flashbacks, being overstimulated by youngest nephew constantly, stress dreams, trying to make time for all 7 of my queerplatonic partners (yes, it’s healthy, non-romantic, and consensual) and trying to be perfect around them all the time (I should probably stop doing that), waiting to move out of here already into a more safer and quieter environment, extreme social dysphoria as a non-binary individual, etc. etc.)

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #SocialAnxiety #Trauma #Anxiety #triggers #normalizetriggerwarnings #overstimulated #overwhelmed #triggerwarning #venting #LGBTQIA #MentalHealth

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To guy I dated last summer. #longstory #venting

It was five months after I experienced the most painful death in my life and I was getting/trying to stay sober and doing everything I could to stay above the waves drowning me daily.
I was only getting out of bed for work and doing what could to maintain my self-care and keep going. Doing what I could to make my weekly therapy sessions and follow through with my outpatient rehab.

Then I finally hit a wall
I was lonely
I thought I'll just get on Hinge one more time not to date just for some companionship. Just to have someone to go out with and talk to not for love.

I met a couple of nice souls who understood I wasn't wanting to date and remained respectful to me and my story and continued to talk with me.
I've been through a lot and I'm glad they saw I was in no place for anything serious.

Then I met You.
You made me feel special you made me feel seen you told me everything I've been dying to hear since I was a little girl learning about fairy tales and princes.
You shared your pain with me and made me feel related to you were always supportive and uplifted me in ways no one has before. You reminded me of the person I lost to death and I clung to it.
I felt a fire ignite in me I began to feel alive again I started working out and smiling and enjoying my job everyone could see how happy I was. You were deployed when we started talking but you would be home in a month and I was so excited. Then you told me you loved me and I believed you. Then you told me you wanted to marry me and that no one has made you feel this way again after your own life of pain... And I believed you.
With my heart being so broken and vulnerable I fed off your words and I gave you all my trust.
For I have lived a life of abuse and was weary of being touched.

Finally, the day came when I would meet you for the first time.
You came onto me and I allowed it bc I believed you loved me I believed every single promise you made me I looked at them daily to keep my depression at bay.

Only for the very next day
You started acting differently.
You were cold and distant even rude to me when we were together. I assumed it was your PTSD and depression from being deployed as you had warned me. I let every harsh action and word slide bc I loved you and I didn't want to give up on you like the rest. I fed off the small victories you would give me like meeting your family and going to Arizona and other places to be introduced to your friends. I sat patiently waiting for any ounce of affection you would allow me after weeks of telling me you couldn't wait to cuddle me. I was desperate. But it got worse and worse and I began to get more and more depressed and you started to tell me I was too much or I wasn't enough or anything you could no matter how much I changed myself to accommodate you. So I broke up with you.
But you wouldn't let me go you continued to bait me with “love” and continued to use me for sex. And I loved you so much I didn't stop you bc I thought you were just scared and hurting. I didn't want to abandon you.
But the hot and cold you were giving me was becoming too much. I didn't want to play anymore and I voiced myself.
Eventually, my emotions were too much for you and you blocked me. Told me to leave you alone and to not make things worse. And with a broken heart I did I let you go in hopes one day when you were yourself again when you were the boy I had fallen in love with again you'd reach out to me and explain what went wrong and apologize for how you treated me.

You left me to my first year of grief after telling me you would be there for me that I would never feel alone again.

And I began to suffocate as the memories popped up on my social media about the days I unknowingly had left with my best friend before he died. I wept and wept for weeks wondering how on earth did I mess things up and how did I get the only man who could love me to leave me what was so wrong with me that I'm left alone in my sorrow again?
I clung to the hope you would come back for me bc I believed you when you said you loved me and that you were just going through a lot right now having been deployed.
My emotions were all over the place I felt like I was dying. I had good days and I started to move forward then id find something out about you and would come crashing down into myself again.

After a few months I couldn't stand it I wanted companionship a distraction ANYTHING to get my mind off him. And I tried to download dating apps again. For a few weeks, I would make a profile and then delete it and then make a new one and then delete it. Finally, I got back on hinge and made a few matches with some decent people but didn't feel much. I finally matched with a guy who had already served 10 years and was a gulf war veteran. And he was also just looking for a friend since he had just gone through a pretty bad breakup.
We talked shit about our exes and when it was my turn it sparked his interest when I mentioned the airforce guy I had just dated and his back story. He began to ask more questions about the airforce boy and his rank and his job. He said something wasn't adding up with the airforce boy’s story. I know nothing about the army so I was none the wiser but I gave him the information I had and to my surprise, he gave me his number and told me to call him bc of what he found and it was going to be easier said over the phone.

I couldn't believe my ears.
Air Force boy had lied to me about everything. Lied about his whole military career. And with that proof, it was like the sheet had been torn away and I could see through his every action and every word I saw The Lies. It felt like a weight had been lifted from my heart. It Wasnt Me it Wasnt My fault I didn't ruin anything 💔
I was just a broken girl who met the wrong person at the wrong time and got taken advantage of.

It's been a process.
This guy I just met freed me with the truth and gave me the closure I needed to let go and move on. I don't think about it anymore but I've had a hard time forgiving the airforce dude and letting go of the hatred in my heart. How could he in good conscience manipulate and use me knowing the world of pain I've been through? Knowing how fragile I was barely holding onto life? Who knows why people do evil things? Sometimes bad things just happen to good people.
And I hope one day I can finally let go of this hatred I hold. That I can heal from all the men from my past who've taken advantage of my big heart. Because I want to enjoy my life. I want to live for the ones I've lost to death that loved me deeply and want me to be happy. I want to live For Me.

Life can be hell but it can also be beautiful and I'm doing my best to see that🤍

May all of you who have had similar stories also heal from others' wrongdoings onto you and be able to enjoy life again knowing there is nothing wrong with you sometimes we just love the wrong people. That it's okay to be happy and not punish ourselves for being tricked that letting go doesn't mean what happened to us doesn't matter.
Moving on just means you love yourself more🤍
Thank you for listening to my story and letting me vent I've been holding onto this pain for so long and it feels good to let it out.

20 reactions 11 comments

Sensory overload

I'm in an unloving relationship and don't know how to get out. We work together and live together in housing provided by our job. I have no friends. My parents have very little to do with me.
My "partner" knows I'm autistic. He knows I have sensory processing troubles. Today I reminded him that the sound he makes by pushing the furniture around hurts me. He responded, "Everything hurts you!" That isn't even true. Not everything hurts me.
I can't stay with someone who constantly invalidates my autism and asexuality. But I can't leave my job and live in my car because I'm paying for college out of pocket. I just wish I didn't have to feel bad every day. I'm tired of trying so hard to manage my depression, only to end up crying in a corner because I let something this dude said get to me, or I couldn't block out all the noise even with earplugs in and a pillow over my head.
I'm having a hide-the-sharp-objects day, and it isn't even 9 AM yet. Calling my mother later just to most likely hear her voicemail might make me feel worse, but I'm going to try anyway because I want to talk to her, even if she doesn't want to talk to me.
Just needed to get this out.

10 reactions 2 comments

The risk of being overstimulated inside vs the risk of being misgendered as a binary gender (most often female) outside | TW swearing, some all caps

Also TW For misgendering and breakdowns
This is why life is so goddamn hard when the kids are home. Why? Just fucking why? Children high-pitch noises upset me (I live with my sister and her 2 kids) but I despise being misgendered as a girl. I’m non-binary, damn it! It’s like no matter how OBVIOUS I try to make it, they still mistake me as a lady. 😡 As someone with severe social dysphoria, it doesn’t help. At all. It leads to breakdowns 100% of the time now.

Thanks, America /sarc /neg /nbh

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #why #nonbinary #imnonbinary #GenderDysphoria #Life #Family #venting #TriggerWarnings

1 reaction

Trauma Venting Continued #Trauma #Abuse

Update: The insurance problem has been fixed. I am able to keep my therapist and psychiatrist:)

Despite this small victory I still have a lot to vent about. One of my biggest pet peeves is that the abusers in my life don't seem to care about how their actions have effected me. Yes I know that them not caring is what makes them abusive but I have this strong desire to have a sense of control over my situation. I don't want to control people in a manipulative way like I was but I like predictability. Predictability = safety. If I know what's going to happen I feel like I can handle it better than not knowing. I suppose this goes back to the abuse. Growing up I never knew what to expect. I just tried my hardest to be a good daughter. I thought that if I just did that then maybe they would treat me better. I held on to the few "good times" when things were okay and my basic needs were being met. In therapy my therapist suggested that I don't miss the abusers but what should have and could have been. She's right. I find myself really sad and grieving some days and others I'm fine. It's just frustrating because I thought I had made it through the grieving process. Just when I thought I had it packed away it comes back up. I suppose part of the problem is all the brainwashing too. I am working really hard to undo it all but it's hard. I recently learned that you don't have to be abused in a cult to experience brainwashing. I sometimes resort to my old thought and behavior patterns for whatever reason sometimes. I just don't understand how an abuser can do what they do. The #SexualAbuse was really bad because it ended in a sexual assault. But the #EmotionalAbuse was just as bad. Both types of abuse have distorted the way I see things and myself. I hate it. Sometimes I feel so abnormal though my therapist says my reactions to the trauma are normal. I want to release the desire to control others but I think I struggle with control because I never had any before. I just don't want to be like them. As a side question: Anyone else that experience sexual abuse experience hyper sexuality and have sexually abusive fantasies? I struggle with this and though I've done research on the reasons why, I still struggle. How can I release my desire to be in control and how can I gain control over my sexuality? Thanks for reading.

#PTSD #Childhoodtrauma #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #needhelp #venting #selfharmsurvivor #suicideattemptsurvivor