venting

I thought becoming a grandmother would be the most exciting thing in the world. Instead it’s made me extremely depressed because I don’t get to see him. I don’t even get a FaceTime with him. My heart is broken by the way I was treated after he was born. It was during the pandemic. I found out later her Mother was able to hold him. I was not able to hold him until he was 8 weeks old and I had to wear a hazmat suit. Her mother did not. She was able to hold him from day one. My husband and I are a lot older than her parents and we are not as well off financially. My son aloud this to happen and did nothing to stop it. I do not feel anything anymore. I have a brain injury that has gotten worse due to the depression and hurt I suffer with everyday. I don’t feel like a grandmother nor am I treated as one. On my birthday this past October I got a call from both my sons thats it. I waited for a FaceTime from my grandson that never came. I was devastated. They live close by it’s not like it’s out of state. We are not aloud to babysit him. We have offered and they make an excuse. Christmas with Santa Claus not us. Easter bunny not us. Valentine’s Day came and I finally had to say I had a gift and it would not reach him in time. She told me they would plan sometime to come out. They stopped in for 90 minutes sat and looked at their phones. He got his gift and they left. Everytime they leave I am crying and depressed. I hurt my back lifting him to get the mail. I’m still trying to heal my back. That was the last time we have seen or heard from them. We don’t seem to matter to them. I wanted to do something with Santa last year. My son says make it happen!!! I don’t know what he means by that. Then I see they took the train ride with Santa and we were not asked to come along. So if they already did it then why tell us to make it happen. I really have nothing to live for anymore. It’s getting worse and my son is now a stranger to me. The only way to protect my heart from more damage is to pull away. I really don’t know what else to do. I’m not rich Lyme disease took all my money. These last 3 years have been a living hell. Lost my mother , my brother and 6 others to suicide. Plus 22 more. I can’t even work anymore on line.
#brokenheart
#Depression
#BrainInjury
#Hoarding
#LossOfAParent
#PTSD
#LymeDisease
#RareDisease
#AutoimmuneDisease
#AutonomicDysfunction
#dyautomia
#Isolation
#PudendalNeuralgia
#suicidalprevention
#EmotionalHealth
#AcuteStressDisorder
#livingwithabuse
#ADHD
#KidneyDisease
#dentalpain
#Anxiety
#PanicAttacks
#Trauma
#venting

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There’s just so many things wrong with this damn planet. My mind decides to go through all the bullshit and how I think about it/respond to it nearly every morning and nearly every afternoon, and it’s driving me crazy.

Most folk drive me crazy. I believe that most folk are terrible, ignorant, gatekeepers, hyprocrites when they say that they support others, hypocrites when they say that others can be themselves, and find anything they don’t see in their eye “normal” a stigma, weird, a disorder, or “cringe” (I despise that word especially), and no one can convince me otherwise because I can’t trust most folk because of what I’ve witnessed… I’m sorry.

It’s causing me a headache now which I didn’t fucking ask for. Oh well.

#Anxiety #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #SocialAnxiety #anger #Society #Ugh

After I got done posting my post with my picture on it a man dm me asking to chat. His name is Felixdan how convenient he shows up when a picture of myself. I of course declined the chat because of what I’m posting now. I’m beginning to think some people are posting saying they this and that just look for a hook up and take advantage of all of us. This is why I do not post pictures of myself so some creepy man can come on here to love bomb me. Ok just venting carry on #madashell

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I bet the nephews are home today (again 😞) because of President’s Day. I can’t even get some dang peace and quiet in this dang house, not even a full week anymore, so I’m leaving out this dang house (again. Seriously, I just wanted to relax today 😞😞).

And what’s so good about the damn day anyway? I mean I get that they run everything and all, and Biden’s better in other ways than our last horrible good-for-nothing president, but he refuses to defund the police even though he believes in Black Lives Matter, he’s pro-Israel, I’ve heard he once thought to make homelessness illegal, etc.

Also, our government just plain sucks, they can’t see that non-binary identities exist (until like 2025), 1000% of the time I always get misgendered by higher authority (which pains me a lot inside), I got taken off of social security because they seriously thought that I can work no problem (which, I’ve said plenty of times, I cannot for a vast multitude of reasons) and had to face my autism being called a disability throughout the entire time (which I despise), the list can go on and on. This is the entire reason I’m an anarchist, can’t we just depend on ourselves for our rights instead of the government who barely even knows you? /rh

#Autism #Anxiety #Family #unfair #President #nonbinary #sad #overstimulated

☆ " So Now My Boss Is Like If You Don't Like Doing The Register.. Then I'm Taking Your Hour's Away... Well Wtf Do You Want Me To Do.. This Job Is Very Demanding... And Stressful As It Is.. Being Threatened About My Job... Speak's Volume's... When I'm The Only One That Work's Actually More Than My Other Co-worker's... They All Leave Early... And Never Clean Thier Station's... I'm Alway's The One Staying Late Hour's... To Clean Etc... " ☆ #venting ▪︎▪︎▪︎¤ S.K. ¤▪︎▪︎▪︎

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This is starting to get on my nerves.

Can’t I just have a full week of quiet when my nephews are at school? Like how it’s - supposed - to be?? My youngest nephew had a fever and had to stay home for three days, so it doesn’t count, I’m disregarding that (please nobody mention the other virus name, it’s a trigger to me). But why are they always home on a Friday now??

But if next week doesn’t happen, I’m going to go crazy. I just wanted a - full - week of more quiet time, Monday to Friday. And it hasn’t happened since the middle of last month, and it freaking irritates me. And no, there’s absolutely nothing my sister can do about it. I just have to wish to move out of here faster. This is freaking bothering me. Why does this have to happen????

I’m so sick of listening to that same YouTuber in the living room background who I don’t even fucking like (because they said the r slur twice one time, and yes I know that you can still enjoy the content without supporting the creator or their actions/beliefs, it exists. That’s my oldest nephew’s situation. But ugh, I couldn’t even do that).

I just want to walk out of my room without worrying to put on headphones every single time. Can’t that just happen more often?!

#Autism #Anxiety #sad #Family #School #ijustwantedsomequiettime #fml #overstimulated

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I'm so mad. The vent I made didn't get uploaded. I've spent so much time writing it, I can't believe
it didn't upload. It pains me to have to write all of this again.

Firstly, I was sad about another vent post
because it didn't get any reactions. So I deleted
it. It's funny how I say to myself that I don't care
if I don't get any reactions, yet get said when it
actually doesn't get any. I'm sorry for feeling this
way.

Now onto school trauma. I'm 20 and I don't think
that I'll ever finish high school. Not even through
online. I dropped out junior year. They don't
even give a crap about mental health, anyway.
Plus, I'm non-binary, not a girl or boy, and not
many schools, let alone online schools, even have gender neutral options or are even truly that inclusive towards everyone. It's annoying!

I've cried way too many times. I've gotten
suicidal way too many times as well. Especially in
high school. Everytime the teacher gotten upset
with the class or whenever I've gotten unfair
demerits, I wanted out. Those "zero excuses", "watch your character", and those picture comparisons boards of "be sad and dwell on it or
be happy and do something about it" felt mocking to me and felt like I was in prison. There
was absolutely nothing I could do about it except taking off days, not to mention that I was only allowed to take up to 22 to not FAIL. Not to
mention that trying to get the best grades and
being recognized was a trap fallen by myself as
well.

I've gotten a 3-hour detention once for forgetting my gym shows. Gym Shoes! And
everytime I didn't finish my homework (because
of being depressed and having no motivation to
do anything from school), it was 45 minutes
after school just to finish homework, and a 45
minute bus drive home. And yes, I was suicidal
those times, too.

I was on the 504 program this whole time (I have
autism and anxiety), and I received two unfair
demerits for being late returning back to class
because SOME FOLKS used my stuff without my
fucking permission and I was trying to find them.
My "counselor" said to me "you know it's rude to
not talk when someone's talking to you?" I was
already crying in one of the bathroom stalls. I
have fucking social anxiety and autism!! She
knew that!!! Don't. Ever. Force. Me. To. Talk!

Gym class was the absolute worst. So bad that I
was allowed to no longer go there. So bad that I
brokedown when I heard that I had to go down
there for studying for a PE test. Then
I was taken off for the rest of the day and the
next day. However... that one substitute teacher
that the school even had the fucking audacity to
hire again was the worst. He was power-hungry
and everytime one of us doesn't follow a rule or
gets upset with him, he makes all of us do
exercises or would add minutes to an excercise.
You had no idea how much that made me boil.

Not to mention that because I failed one of the
three tests in PE (running a whole mile) in
freshmen year, I had to go to a horrid bootcamp
for 5 days. Fours days with that same horrible
substitute teacher that 1, and I'm pretty sure
every other student there, absolutely despised. He even threatened us to go through some
exercises for not knowing some answers to
movie questions!! Who does that?!?!

My parents were not happy about anything my
high school had to offer, either, especially the
bootcamp. And I got a freaking A in PE but I
guess the tests were more important 😑. Middle
school was shit, too, though pretty less strict. It
was mainly the classmates acting up and the
teacher raising their voice for me. And some
bullies.

I really want to warn everyone about these
schools. I do not recommend these schools at all,
especially if you're neurodivergent. These
schools caused me so much stress and trauma
that I don't even want to finish it. Not even online. And I'm 20 now. I was literally crying
earlier writing this because of the pain that it
has caused me over the years.

#HighSchool #School #Anxiety #Autism #SocialAnxiety #generalizedanxiety #Trauma #SchoolTrauma #anger #sad #SchoolPleaseListenToThis #MentalHealth #venting #Vent

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Is the government really that stupid enough to think that I can work??

I have way too many triggers. I literally despise being called a girl or “ma’am” or “she”. I’M FREAKING NON-BINARY! Even though I’m also transmasc, I’M NOT JUST A BOY! I literally despise the line “ladies and gentlemen”. I have no time to put up with any drama crap. I will most likely quit my first job pretty quickly. And I don’t want to deal with all the freaking haters that hate me or bully me for no good reason. Screw that.

And some of the shit my past therapists said about me was either over-exaggerated or false about me doing good. Like I never said some of those things that I said. Just freaking because I said that I may be doing good ONLY meant AT THAT MOMENT!

Why even depend on the government for our rights?? I know myself better than they fucking know me. I’m an anarchist, and I believe that you should have public access or just instant rights regardless without having to depend on higher power who barely even know you and take forever to make things legalized (even though I despise my autism being called a disability or disorder). I want instant change, not wait 10 years for it! (/vsrs)

Anyway. 😞

#mad #LGBTQIA #anger #government #why #unfair #Anxiety #Autism #rights

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What a great way to start the freaking morning. Remembering the very strict high school that I absolutely hate and the reason why I dropped out - trauma and stupidity.

I remember being in P.E. and… we’ll just call her Ms. A. I was on the 504 program (because I have autism), and Ms. A said something to everyone in the class about knee push-ups and to not do them because “you’re not disabled”.

Um, excuse me? Knee push-ups are not exclusive to physically disabled folk. Knee push-ups are an actual excercise that help with strength. Also, not every physically disabled folk can do a push-up or even knee push-ups. I’m not that stupid. Not to mention that some neurodivergent folk may also have trouble doing full push-ups, especially because of sensory issues. And some overweight individuals, such as I, may also find knee push-ups helpful, too. So knee push-ups help. It’s an actual fucking exercise. She thought she was helping, but seriously??

And even though I hate my autism being labeled as a disorder or disability, I guess it didn’t apply to me because of that 504 program. But still. That was such a ridiculously stupid comment to make and one of the reasons I hated that school. Why was Ms. A even qualified to be a P.E. teacher?? She should’ve known that already! I do really, really wish to say what exact high school it is right now, but I won’t.

#Autism #neurodivergent #Disability #Ableism #Trauma #HighSchool #SchoolTrauma #uneducated #why #School