venting

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    Becoming a grandmother

    I thought becoming a grandmother would be the most exciting thing in the world. Instead it’s made me extremely depressed because I don’t get to see him. I don’t even get a FaceTime with him. My heart is broken by the way I was treated after he was born. It was during the pandemic. I found out later her Mother was able to hold him. I was not able to hold him until he was 8 weeks old and I had to wear a hazmat suit. Her mother did not. She was able to hold him from day one. My husband and I are a lot older than her parents and we are not as well off financially. My son aloud this to happen and did nothing to stop it. I do not feel anything anymore. I have a brain injury that has gotten worse due to the depression and hurt I suffer with everyday. I don’t feel like a grandmother nor am I treated as one. On my birthday this past October I got a call from both my sons thats it. I waited for a FaceTime from my grandson that never came. I was devastated. They live close by it’s not like it’s out of state. We are not aloud to babysit him. We have offered and they make an excuse. Christmas with Santa Claus not us. Easter bunny not us. Valentine’s Day came and I finally had to say I had a gift and it would not reach him in time. She told me they would plan sometime to come out. They stopped in for 90 minutes sat and looked at their phones. He got his gift and they left. Everytime they leave I am crying and depressed. I hurt my back lifting him to get the mail. I’m still trying to heal my back. That was the last time we have seen or heard from them. We don’t seem to matter to them. I wanted to do something with Santa last year. My son says make it happen!!! I don’t know what he means by that. Then I see they took the train ride with Santa and we were not asked to come along. So if they already did it then why tell us to make it happen. I really have nothing to live for anymore. It’s getting worse and my son is now a stranger to me. The only way to protect my heart from more damage is to pull away. I really don’t know what else to do. I’m not rich Lyme disease took all my money. These last 3 years have been a living hell. Lost my mother , my brother and 6 others to suicide. Plus 22 more. I can’t even work anymore on line.
    #brokenheart
    #Depression
    #BrainInjury
    #Hoarding
    #LossOfAParent
    #PTSD
    #LymeDisease
    #RareDisease
    #AutoimmuneDisease
    #AutonomicDysfunction
    #dyautomia
    #Isolation
    #PudendalNeuralgia
    #suicidalprevention
    #EmotionalHealth
    #AcuteStressDisorder
    #livingwithabuse
    #ADHD
    #KidneyDisease
    #dentalpain
    #Anxiety
    #PanicAttacks
    #Trauma
    #venting

    5 reactions
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    I’m so sick of thinking of all the negative bullcrap pretty much every day | TW swearing #venting

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    There’s just so many things wrong with this damn planet. My mind decides to go through all the bullshit and how I think about it/respond to it nearly every morning and nearly every afternoon, and it’s driving me crazy.

    Most folk drive me crazy. I believe that most folk are terrible, ignorant, gatekeepers, hyprocrites when they say that they support others, hypocrites when they say that others can be themselves, and find anything they don’t see in their eye “normal” a stigma, weird, a disorder, or “cringe” (I despise that word especially), and no one can convince me otherwise because I can’t trust most folk because of what I’ve witnessed… I’m sorry.

    It’s causing me a headache now which I didn’t fucking ask for. Oh well.

    #Anxiety #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #SocialAnxiety #anger #Society #Ugh

    4 reactions 2 comments
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    I post something about small victories #venting

    After I got done posting my post with my picture on it a man dm me asking to chat. His name is Felixdan how convenient he shows up when a picture of myself. I of course declined the chat because of what I’m posting now. I’m beginning to think some people are posting saying they this and that just look for a hook up and take advantage of all of us. This is why I do not post pictures of myself so some creepy man can come on here to love bomb me. Ok just venting carry on #madashell

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    I should’ve known 😑😑😑😑😑 | TW Family, president problems (particularly in the US), one swear?, mention of misgendering #venting

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    I bet the nephews are home today (again 😞) because of President’s Day. I can’t even get some dang peace and quiet in this dang house, not even a full week anymore, so I’m leaving out this dang house (again. Seriously, I just wanted to relax today 😞😞).

    And what’s so good about the damn day anyway? I mean I get that they run everything and all, and Biden’s better in other ways than our last horrible good-for-nothing president, but he refuses to defund the police even though he believes in Black Lives Matter, he’s pro-Israel, I’ve heard he once thought to make homelessness illegal, etc.

    Also, our government just plain sucks, they can’t see that non-binary identities exist (until like 2025), 1000% of the time I always get misgendered by higher authority (which pains me a lot inside), I got taken off of social security because they seriously thought that I can work no problem (which, I’ve said plenty of times, I cannot for a vast multitude of reasons) and had to face my autism being called a disability throughout the entire time (which I despise), the list can go on and on. This is the entire reason I’m an anarchist, can’t we just depend on ourselves for our rights instead of the government who barely even knows you? /rh

    #Autism #Anxiety #Family #unfair #President #nonbinary #sad #overstimulated

    12 reactions 3 comments
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    • " I Find It Very Worng To Takeaway Someone's Work Hour's " • #Depression

    ☆ " So Now My Boss Is Like If You Don't Like Doing The Register.. Then I'm Taking Your Hour's Away... Well Wtf Do You Want Me To Do.. This Job Is Very Demanding... And Stressful As It Is.. Being Threatened About My Job... Speak's Volume's... When I'm The Only One That Work's Actually More Than My Other Co-worker's... They All Leave Early... And Never Clean Thier Station's... I'm Alway's The One Staying Late Hour's... To Clean Etc... " ☆ #venting ▪︎▪︎▪︎¤ S.K. ¤▪︎▪︎▪︎

    9 reactions 4 comments
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    Can’t I have a full week of morning and afternoon quiet? | TW Family, one swear, one moment of ableism #venting

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    This is starting to get on my nerves.

    Can’t I just have a full week of quiet when my nephews are at school? Like how it’s - supposed - to be?? My youngest nephew had a fever and had to stay home for three days, so it doesn’t count, I’m disregarding that (please nobody mention the other virus name, it’s a trigger to me). But why are they always home on a Friday now??

    But if next week doesn’t happen, I’m going to go crazy. I just wanted a - full - week of more quiet time, Monday to Friday. And it hasn’t happened since the middle of last month, and it freaking irritates me. And no, there’s absolutely nothing my sister can do about it. I just have to wish to move out of here faster. This is freaking bothering me. Why does this have to happen????

    I’m so sick of listening to that same YouTuber in the living room background who I don’t even fucking like (because they said the r slur twice one time, and yes I know that you can still enjoy the content without supporting the creator or their actions/beliefs, it exists. That’s my oldest nephew’s situation. But ugh, I couldn’t even do that).

    I just want to walk out of my room without worrying to put on headphones every single time. Can’t that just happen more often?!

    #Autism #Anxiety #sad #Family #School #ijustwantedsomequiettime #fml #overstimulated

    2 reactions
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    Great start to the morning.……. /very sarcastic/ neg| TW school, swearing, mention of past suicidal thoughts, a mention of ableism, a few all caps

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    I'm so mad. The vent I made didn't get uploaded. I've spent so much time writing it, I can't believe
    it didn't upload. It pains me to have to write all of this again.

    Firstly, I was sad about another vent post
    because it didn't get any reactions. So I deleted
    it. It's funny how I say to myself that I don't care
    if I don't get any reactions, yet get said when it
    actually doesn't get any. I'm sorry for feeling this
    way.

    Now onto school trauma. I'm 20 and I don't think
    that I'll ever finish high school. Not even through
    online. I dropped out junior year. They don't
    even give a crap about mental health, anyway.
    Plus, I'm non-binary, not a girl or boy, and not
    many schools, let alone online schools, even have gender neutral options or are even truly that inclusive towards everyone. It's annoying!

    I've cried way too many times. I've gotten
    suicidal way too many times as well. Especially in
    high school. Everytime the teacher gotten upset
    with the class or whenever I've gotten unfair
    demerits, I wanted out. Those "zero excuses", "watch your character", and those picture comparisons boards of "be sad and dwell on it or
    be happy and do something about it" felt mocking to me and felt like I was in prison. There
    was absolutely nothing I could do about it except taking off days, not to mention that I was only allowed to take up to 22 to not FAIL. Not to
    mention that trying to get the best grades and
    being recognized was a trap fallen by myself as
    well.

    I've gotten a 3-hour detention once for forgetting my gym shows. Gym Shoes! And
    everytime I didn't finish my homework (because
    of being depressed and having no motivation to
    do anything from school), it was 45 minutes
    after school just to finish homework, and a 45
    minute bus drive home. And yes, I was suicidal
    those times, too.

    I was on the 504 program this whole time (I have
    autism and anxiety), and I received two unfair
    demerits for being late returning back to class
    because SOME FOLKS used my stuff without my
    fucking permission and I was trying to find them.
    My "counselor" said to me "you know it's rude to
    not talk when someone's talking to you?" I was
    already crying in one of the bathroom stalls. I
    have fucking social anxiety and autism!! She
    knew that!!! Don't. Ever. Force. Me. To. Talk!

    Gym class was the absolute worst. So bad that I
    was allowed to no longer go there. So bad that I
    brokedown when I heard that I had to go down
    there for studying for a PE test. Then
    I was taken off for the rest of the day and the
    next day. However... that one substitute teacher
    that the school even had the fucking audacity to
    hire again was the worst. He was power-hungry
    and everytime one of us doesn't follow a rule or
    gets upset with him, he makes all of us do
    exercises or would add minutes to an excercise.
    You had no idea how much that made me boil.

    Not to mention that because I failed one of the
    three tests in PE (running a whole mile) in
    freshmen year, I had to go to a horrid bootcamp
    for 5 days. Fours days with that same horrible
    substitute teacher that 1, and I'm pretty sure
    every other student there, absolutely despised. He even threatened us to go through some
    exercises for not knowing some answers to
    movie questions!! Who does that?!?!

    My parents were not happy about anything my
    high school had to offer, either, especially the
    bootcamp. And I got a freaking A in PE but I
    guess the tests were more important 😑. Middle
    school was shit, too, though pretty less strict. It
    was mainly the classmates acting up and the
    teacher raising their voice for me. And some
    bullies.

    I really want to warn everyone about these
    schools. I do not recommend these schools at all,
    especially if you're neurodivergent. These
    schools caused me so much stress and trauma
    that I don't even want to finish it. Not even online. And I'm 20 now. I was literally crying
    earlier writing this because of the pain that it
    has caused me over the years.

    #HighSchool #School #Anxiety #Autism #SocialAnxiety #generalizedanxiety #Trauma #SchoolTrauma #anger #sad #SchoolPleaseListenToThis #MentalHealth #venting #Vent

    13 reactions 6 comments
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    Dear society, I have 6 non-romantic system partners and it’s not made up | TW erasure #venting

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    Dear society,

    Please stop making all of your information on
    "love" advice for romantic couples or just
    throuples. Please stop assuming that only couples exist. And please stop assuming that
    everyone has or wants a partner or feels
    romantic/sexual attraction to someone. It's very
    annoying! I'm queerplatonic with all of my 6, yes 6, partners. Not romantic, but more than platonic. It’s real.

    Please stop assuming that our
    partners are either a boy or a girl. I have one wife, two non-binary spouses, and
    three non-married non-binary partners.

    Don't tell me to choose one. Don't ask me who I
    like more because I like all of them equally and
    that's that. Don't tell me my partners are "made
    up" because we're in a system.

    Oh, and one last thing. Please stop making Valentine’s Day look like it’s solely a romantic holiday. Because that’s very annoying also. The most important thing is loving yourself above anything else. Not everyone experiences love to others.

    Sincerely,
    A non-binary man who is tired of this
    amatonormativity and monogamy-centered
    society /neg /vsrs

    #feelingerased #LGBTQIA #polyamorous #polyaffectionate #erasure #DearSociety #ThislsMe #tired #system #ValentinesDay #Important #Anxiety #erasure #queerplatonic

    5 reactions 4 comments
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    I’m still mad at the government… and at my last therapists | TW some caps, two swears #venting

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    Is the government really that stupid enough to think that I can work??

    I have way too many triggers. I literally despise being called a girl or “ma’am” or “she”. I’M FREAKING NON-BINARY! Even though I’m also transmasc, I’M NOT JUST A BOY! I literally despise the line “ladies and gentlemen”. I have no time to put up with any drama crap. I will most likely quit my first job pretty quickly. And I don’t want to deal with all the freaking haters that hate me or bully me for no good reason. Screw that.

    And some of the shit my past therapists said about me was either over-exaggerated or false about me doing good. Like I never said some of those things that I said. Just freaking because I said that I may be doing good ONLY meant AT THAT MOMENT!

    Why even depend on the government for our rights?? I know myself better than they fucking know me. I’m an anarchist, and I believe that you should have public access or just instant rights regardless without having to depend on higher power who barely even know you and take forever to make things legalized (even though I despise my autism being called a disability or disorder). I want instant change, not wait 10 years for it! (/vsrs)

    Anyway. 😞

    #mad #LGBTQIA #anger #government #why #unfair #Anxiety #Autism #rights

    6 reactions 2 comments
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    School trauma, and something ridiculous one of my high school P.E. teacher said | TW ableism, one swear #venting

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    What a great way to start the freaking morning. Remembering the very strict high school that I absolutely hate and the reason why I dropped out - trauma and stupidity.

    I remember being in P.E. and… we’ll just call her Ms. A. I was on the 504 program (because I have autism), and Ms. A said something to everyone in the class about knee push-ups and to not do them because “you’re not disabled”.

    Um, excuse me? Knee push-ups are not exclusive to physically disabled folk. Knee push-ups are an actual excercise that help with strength. Also, not every physically disabled folk can do a push-up or even knee push-ups. I’m not that stupid. Not to mention that some neurodivergent folk may also have trouble doing full push-ups, especially because of sensory issues. And some overweight individuals, such as I, may also find knee push-ups helpful, too. So knee push-ups help. It’s an actual fucking exercise. She thought she was helping, but seriously??

    And even though I hate my autism being labeled as a disorder or disability, I guess it didn’t apply to me because of that 504 program. But still. That was such a ridiculously stupid comment to make and one of the reasons I hated that school. Why was Ms. A even qualified to be a P.E. teacher?? She should’ve known that already! I do really, really wish to say what exact high school it is right now, but I won’t.

    #Autism #neurodivergent #Disability #Ableism #Trauma #HighSchool #SchoolTrauma #uneducated #why #School

    11 reactions 2 comments