Losthope

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    Im really depressed today. I need help. #CheckInWithMe #Depression #donefighting #Losthope #Relapse

    I’ve been getting a lot better for a while but I feel like in the past few weeks I have fallen back down the hole and lost years of progress. Today is particularly bad. I really need help.

    Post

    Find an aswers #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #Losthope

    I feel my life is being mocked by fate. Destiny still jocking me ...

    I woke up with pain in my chest.
    Thinking why this happened
    Where is the fault?

    It feels stuffy, thinking of a question that doesn't have an answer.

    I read a lot of books, hoping there was a little clue for me.
    I hear stories of many people, hoping there are a few answers to my question.

    untill..

    I could no longer read the lines of letters smoothly.
    I just repeated the simple sentence so I could understand it.
    I can't be a good listener anymore, I can't catch what they say

    Everything is so difficult.

    I tried to find the way out from my anxiety.
    I want to rebel, bored being good.

    I started looking for answers from a cigarette.
    Maybe from the puff of smoke, there is an answer there ..
    I started running towards alcohol, maybe when I didn't think clearly there was an answer ...

    I don't know how many years I was looking for answers, so I felt maybe my question had to be fixed.

    There is no answer because maybe my question is wrong
    When I call back my memory about what that difficult question really is?

    I was silent. The question did not appear.
    Never appeared.

    Then, I began to get angry
    And shout.

    I hate feelings like this
    A feeling of loss that I never understood

    my heart raging
    To berate myself is not enough
    Cursing myself also feels unsatisfied

    I beat myself up.
    But this inner pain is more painful.
    I'm not strong.

    I searched from the closet to the small drawers in my room.
    This thing can slice me, I thought
    Once the incision, only a little blood comes out
    Then I repeat for the second and third incisions and so on.
    The blood coming out of my body still can't beat the pain in my heart.

    I am so desperate.

    I took some medicine that I have.
    My body starts to heat and shivered
    Like something great will come out of my body.

    I realized, this also didn't kill my pain.

    I lost the way. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't think.

    Let it be, so that these drugs work in my body.

    If I wake up later. I will think again...