I’ve been getting a lot better for a while but I feel like in the past few weeks I have fallen back down the hole and lost years of progress. Today is particularly bad. I really need help.
I feel my life is being mocked by fate. Destiny still jocking me ...
I woke up with pain in my chest.
Thinking why this happened
Where is the fault?
It feels stuffy, thinking of a question that doesn't have an answer.
I read a lot of books, hoping there was a little clue for me.
I hear stories of many people, hoping there are a few answers to my question.
untill..
I could no longer read the lines of letters smoothly.
I just repeated the simple sentence so I could understand it.
I can't be a good listener anymore, I can't catch what they say
Everything is so difficult.
I tried to find the way out from my anxiety.
I want to rebel, bored being good.
I started looking for answers from a cigarette.
Maybe from the puff of smoke, there is an answer there ..
I started running towards alcohol, maybe when I didn't think clearly there was an answer ...
I don't know how many years I was looking for answers, so I felt maybe my question had to be fixed.
There is no answer because maybe my question is wrong
When I call back my memory about what that difficult question really is?
I was silent. The question did not appear.
Never appeared.
Then, I began to get angry
And shout.
I hate feelings like this
A feeling of loss that I never understood
my heart raging
To berate myself is not enough
Cursing myself also feels unsatisfied
I beat myself up.
But this inner pain is more painful.
I'm not strong.
I searched from the closet to the small drawers in my room.
This thing can slice me, I thought
Once the incision, only a little blood comes out
Then I repeat for the second and third incisions and so on.
The blood coming out of my body still can't beat the pain in my heart.
I am so desperate.
I took some medicine that I have.
My body starts to heat and shivered
Like something great will come out of my body.
I realized, this also didn't kill my pain.
I lost the way. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't think.
Let it be, so that these drugs work in my body.
If I wake up later. I will think again...
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