So tired of everything ... no purpose left
I forgot how to spell the city that I was born in. I remember a time that I used to be so smart, usually I’d be the smartest in any room I’d walk into. Not anymore. Even making phone calls are tough because I always lose my focus. Too many concussions, I’m finding that I am getting so emotional. From mad to sad. Angry. I’m convinced I have CTE. The only thing in my “death note” is that I want my brain tested.
So many health problems that I’ve basically given up. How many different doctors and specialists do I have to go to before the frustration of no one being able to help me sets in? I’ve seen them all. Second opinions for most as well.
Exhausted all the time, it’s a struggle to get out of bed. When I “try” to sleep I struggle. Inevitably I crash for an hour or two a couple times a day when I’m not really trying.
I feel so lonely and alone. I cry everyday. I lay in bed waiting to crash and hoping I don’t ever wake up. I haven’t seen my friends (the two who still pretend to be my friend) in over 2 years now. Covid is a lame excuse at this point.
I often laugh that I’d never kill myself because I’d f- - - it up somehow and just be in even worse shape.
I have a dog that’s 16 years old. I get no joy anymore, and take care of her under obligation. I am kinda expecting that my body will fail once and for all when she’s gone. I won’t have any reason to get out of bed once she passes.