Do you ever wake up….
Do you ever wake up and know with your entire being you don’t want to be here anymore?
I’m tired of the struggle, tired of the fight when I’m not fighting for myself, I’m fighting for those I love. They don’t deserve the pain of losing me so instead I endure the pain of living.
I had a lil selfharm relapse last night. Truly it’s just a few very small marks. But I want to relapse again because yesterdays didn’t touch the pain. I need the pain to match.
I have skills I’m supposed to use in times like this. But I don’t want to. I want to skip the skills and go straight to the familiar. But my therapist will be asking about selfharm tomorrow and I’m not sure I could face the shame of admitting I chose to skip the skills.
(Side note: she does not at all cause or contribute to the shame. She is wonderful)
I need to get up. I need to be a good dog mom and take care of my baby. I need to be a good student and finish my paper that’s due today. So much I need to do. So much I need to be. When I all I want is to simply no longer be.