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A Positive Update 5 Months Post Relapse

In February, I took an extremely high dosage of Xanax and I almost (unintentionally) killed myself. The scare and the blessing of waking up a day later was enough to make me never refill my prescription for Xanax again.

Since then, my life has done a complete 180 and I wanted to share it with you guys because I would've never imagined my life going in this direction.

I overcame my social anxiety with exposure therapy.

I participated in a 6km walk and finished in 9th place.

I applied to college and got accepted.

I found part-time employment that I genuinely enjoy and works with my schedule and mental health.

I finished my 1st "official" painting and found a home for it.

I bought tickets for my 1st ever heavy metal concert (I'm gonna see Sepultura).

I built a recording booth from recycled materials I collected from my job.

I'm getting better at budgeting and managing my money.

I'm comfortably and openly exploring my sexuality.

I've made moments of solitude and loneliness more comforting through artistic creation.

Though I did write in my journal my goals and ambitions, I don't feel I "worked hard" to do any of this. Being so close to death brought back a genuine love for life that I lost a while ago. So now, I find myself doing things with joy and that naturally lead to these outcomes.

I'm going to be 30 years old in October. I remember being 20, at the worse point in my Xanax addiction and overall mental health. I would've never imagined myself being alive at this age and yet I'm overjoyed to be here. I really really hope you are too.

#Bipolar #Recovery #Addiction #Relapse #LifeUpdate

8 reactions 3 comments


Fml... I took a hit of weed after 2 weeks... of being sober and I feel like trash. I hate this feeling. I hate being high now. I know I can start over. And I will. But why did I do this. I guess to see if I likes it and I don't. SO I consider this a win in my book. I won't go back... so its not starting over its continuing because I didn't buy weed. My husband is still smoking what he has left... forgot to hide some... and I smoked it... hate this feeling. But this is starting over because I didn't buy weed. Just my days starting over. I'm proud I can admit this but I'm so disappointed and pissed at myself for doing it. #Relapse #Addiction #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

18 reactions 9 comments

I relapsed for the 1st time in 10 years #Relapse #Addiction

When I was living in New Jersey, I was introduced to "Xannies" at 19 by my best friend, who also suffers from extreme anxiety. Since we were too poor to go to a doctor and get a diagnosis, we did our own research and decided to obtain Xanax through street pharmacists to give them a try. Over time, our cries for help turned into an addiction and once we both became aware of what we were becoming, we decided to quit cold turkey and find healthier ways to deal with our anxiety. Thankfully, I thought we'd never go down this path again and we were one of the lucky ones who made it out unharmed.

Fast forward to 23, after moving to Portugal and getting a proper diagnosis as Bipolar, I was yet again face to face with my weakness: Xanax. I explained my whole history with the drug to my doctor, who guaranteed he'd give me the lowest dosage so I wouldn't have to worry. What I think a lot of doctors fail to realize is that the drugs themselves aren't the problem, the addict is.

I've been on 0.5mg Xanax for going on 6 years now and I'm happy to say that my relationship with Xanax was a very healthy one. I saw it as my best friend when it came to my anxiety and a building block for my mental stability. What I seemed to forget in the middle of this fairytale is that I AM THE BAD GUY. I am an addict and sooner or later, as all addicts do, we relapse.

I've been under a lot of pressure lately. I'm 29, I've finally decided to apply for college which has been a nerve wrecking process. I also take care of my elderly grandparents & I guide my addiction diseased father. I'm trying (& failing) to get closer to my crush, I'm trying (& failing) to create friends in real life instead of the internet. I've been trying for months to get employment to no avail. I've tried opening up with my family and the ones closest to me, but as much as they love me, I can tell they don't understand the weight of this pressure on me.

All I've been feeling lately is an overwhelming amount of failure, pressure and loneliness. For the first time in a long time, I could hear my Xanax screaming for me from my bedside drawer.

"Just one, the doctor did say I could take one in case of panic attacks"

One turned into three, three turned into five and so on...

This morning I awoke to 5 empty Xanax trays, each one holds 10 0.5mg pills. I took 25mg of Xanax in one night. I woke up 17 hours later to random misspelled messages I don't even remember sending, to my crush non the less. Smooth move. I couldn't even walk to the kitchen to get coffee #ADD #without rocking back and forth, off balance. I couldn't speak to my family without slurring my speech. My father being a former addict noticed right away something was off and instead of opening up with someone who'd understand my guilt, I lied.

I'm the most level headed, dependable, responsible and hard working person in this household. How could anyone feel safe knowing their caretaker has substance problems and out of all problems: pills?!

My father deals with alcoholism due to grief of losing his brother at 8 years old. My grandfather has Alzheimers due to neglecting his mental health to work to provide for his family. My grandmother has depression because she gave up on her dreams to be the best possible mother.

How can I tell such amazingly strong people that my problem is taking sleepy pills to make my brain stop? It makes me feel so weak, embarrasse and guilty.

51 reactions 23 comments

Do you ever wake up….

Do you ever wake up and know with your entire being you don’t want to be here anymore?
I’m tired of the struggle, tired of the fight when I’m not fighting for myself, I’m fighting for those I love. They don’t deserve the pain of losing me so instead I endure the pain of living.
I had a lil selfharm relapse last night. Truly it’s just a few very small marks. But I want to relapse again because yesterdays didn’t touch the pain. I need the pain to match.
I have skills I’m supposed to use in times like this. But I don’t want to. I want to skip the skills and go straight to the familiar. But my therapist will be asking about selfharm tomorrow and I’m not sure I could face the shame of admitting I chose to skip the skills.
(Side note: she does not at all cause or contribute to the shame. She is wonderful)

I need to get up. I need to be a good dog mom and take care of my baby. I need to be a good student and finish my paper that’s due today. So much I need to do. So much I need to be. When I all I want is to simply no longer be.

#Selfharm #Relapse #Dbtskills #DBT #Therapy #Suicide #College #CollegeMentalHealth #Depression #ADHD #Anxiety #Shame

4 reactions 12 comments


Hi, I'm 23 and have fibromyalgia, PCOS, depression, anxiety and am really struggling. I got my fibro diagnosis 2 years ago but around that time i was dealing with a break up, grieving a grandparent, in the middle of a pandemic and dealing with final year of college.

Since my life has calmed down slightly, pieces coming back to place, the reality of my diagnosis is kicking in as well as the knowledge of future struggles the PCOS will inevitably cause. The reality of this fibro never going away, that every day of my life will be spent in pain with mood swings, constant fatigue etc etc.

This kicking in of reality has brought me back to a bad place that I have doing relatively well to avoid. I broke my 85 day streak of avoiding harmful actions toward myself today. I feel so disappointed in myself, I'm an adult why can't I stop myself from doing this shit.

I hope this is okay to post I just need some advice. I feel really lost. I work as an ID nurse and have started working part time to give my body a break but even the fact that at 23 I had to go part time makes me feel like a huge failure.#Fibromyalgia #PCOS #struggling #scared #Relapse

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Anxiety Kicks In #Anxiety #Relapse #TriggerWarnings

I can feel myself getting bad again. I zoned out easily with family and/or friends. I cut short conversations with them. I procrastinated work because it’s too much to handle each day. Took myself forever to do something, either at home or work. I stopped exercising. Mentally drained. One day at work, while doing work, I zoned out and had thoughts about just ending my life. I had to run off to the toilet as I couldn’t take the pressure. I was out of breath, trying to suppress the cries and breathing hoping no one would listen.