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    Do you ever wake up….

    Do you ever wake up and know with your entire being you don’t want to be here anymore?
    I’m tired of the struggle, tired of the fight when I’m not fighting for myself, I’m fighting for those I love. They don’t deserve the pain of losing me so instead I endure the pain of living.
    I had a lil selfharm relapse last night. Truly it’s just a few very small marks. But I want to relapse again because yesterdays didn’t touch the pain. I need the pain to match.
    I have skills I’m supposed to use in times like this. But I don’t want to. I want to skip the skills and go straight to the familiar. But my therapist will be asking about selfharm tomorrow and I’m not sure I could face the shame of admitting I chose to skip the skills.
    (Side note: she does not at all cause or contribute to the shame. She is wonderful)

    I need to get up. I need to be a good dog mom and take care of my baby. I need to be a good student and finish my paper that’s due today. So much I need to do. So much I need to be. When I all I want is to simply no longer be.

    #Selfharm #Relapse #Dbtskills #DBT #Therapy #Suicide #College #CollegeMentalHealth #Depression #ADHD #Anxiety #Shame

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    Relapsing

    Hi, I'm 23 and have fibromyalgia, PCOS, depression, anxiety and am really struggling. I got my fibro diagnosis 2 years ago but around that time i was dealing with a break up, grieving a grandparent, in the middle of a pandemic and dealing with final year of college.

    Since my life has calmed down slightly, pieces coming back to place, the reality of my diagnosis is kicking in as well as the knowledge of future struggles the PCOS will inevitably cause. The reality of this fibro never going away, that every day of my life will be spent in pain with mood swings, constant fatigue etc etc.

    This kicking in of reality has brought me back to a bad place that I have doing relatively well to avoid. I broke my 85 day streak of avoiding harmful actions toward myself today. I feel so disappointed in myself, I'm an adult why can't I stop myself from doing this shit.

    I hope this is okay to post I just need some advice. I feel really lost. I work as an ID nurse and have started working part time to give my body a break but even the fact that at 23 I had to go part time makes me feel like a huge failure.#Fibromyalgia #PCOS #struggling #scared #Relapse

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    Anxiety Kicks In #Anxiety #Relapse #TriggerWarnings

    I can feel myself getting bad again. I zoned out easily with family and/or friends. I cut short conversations with them. I procrastinated work because it’s too much to handle each day. Took myself forever to do something, either at home or work. I stopped exercising. Mentally drained. One day at work, while doing work, I zoned out and had thoughts about just ending my life. I had to run off to the toilet as I couldn’t take the pressure. I was out of breath, trying to suppress the cries and breathing hoping no one would listen.

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    Idk what to do

    CW: selfharm

    So, over the last 3ish months I’ve relapsed with selfharm 5-6ish times, the last time being a week ago today. Which was also the morning of my therapy appointment for the week, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her in session so I sent her a message afterwards telling her I relapsed again. And so today was the session after that and of course she brought it up which is fine. But idk she’s normally so good at understanding where I’m coming from and making things relatable, etc. but I kinda feel like we’re speaking different dialects of the same language. It’s like she’s 100% focused on stopping any future relapses, whereas I… don’t really care at this point. Sure there’s this tiny part of me that cares and my therapist wants me to put more focus on the part that does care which I get. But just, I don’t like the way she framed everything and idk how to communicate that to her.

    She really is a great therapist, and we’ve worked so well together on other things that like I know this is just a bump in the road, but like, idk what to do. Todays session didn’t go well in my mind and now all I want to do is cancel my next session and stop talking to her about my selfharm altogether. I know that’s not the right way to handle this, but the thought is really tempting right now. I hate complicated emotions and todays session has brought up a lot and I’m honestly just so done.

    #Selfharm #Selfinjury #Relapse #Depression #Anxiety #CheckInWithMe #Therapy #Therapist #ADHD #misunderstood #DBT #Emotions

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    I think I may have been a little too honest

    I’m internally screaming and mortified. I’m a college student and I have been drowning for most of the semester thanks to having a horrible housemate that took away my feeling of emotional safety and security in my home and triggered a ton of trauma from my past and I reached a breaking point about 6 weeks ago. I started self harming again for the first time in 5 years, I got behind in every class and it was just bad. I’m still struggling but I’m doing better. Thankfully I have had an absolutely amazing DBT therapist that has taken my relapse in stride and truly has been my rock.

    Home is more stable now, but I’m still struggling a lot with heighten anxiety and stress from school and I sent a panicked email to one of my profs on Saturday because I could not get this paper written no matter how much I was trying and I mentioned that I kinda had a “downward spiral” moment the previous night because I was so stressed and well, come Monday and I get this email…. Y’all I cannot believe my prof did this… but I’m 99% sure I know which one did it because of the timing. Am I struggling? Definitely. Will chatting with this random lady help? More than likely not at all. I’m not struggling with a lack of resources and honestly the last thing I need is one more meeting to put on my schedule. I guess it’s sweet they care. But I just am so embarrassed I concerned him so much 🤦🏻‍♀️ I am definitely still in a place where being concerned makes sense, but like I still hate and feel super awkward when people actually get an idea of how deeply I’m struggling. This lady doesn’t have any times that work to meet for like over a week so I just emailed her saying basically “thanks for the concern but I have all the resources I need and not a lot of free time” and I’m praying she leaves me alone after this. But just, y’all, how do I get myself in these situations????

    #College #CollegeMentalHealth #CheckInWithMe #DBT #Therapy #Anxiety #Selfharm #Relapse #Depression #SocialAnxiety #ConcernedProfessor #IDidNotMeanToBeThatHonest

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    It’s time for a ✨crisis plan✨

    So I told my therapist about my relapse and she handled it wonderfully. I love her so much honestly. Of course she asked a bunch of questions and then we started talking about how to prevent it from happening again. So we came up with ideas of things to do when I notice I’m getting low and then of course a plan for if I’m actually about to relapse again. But y’all, how do I make myself stick to the plan when I really just do not care anymore? At this point I’m ready to say “screw it” and just do whatever I feel like doing. But, the people I love and care about also care about me and they don’t want me handling life this way. So how do I do it? How do I make myself text a friend, journal or go for a walk when I just don’t care?
    #Depression #Anxiety #Therapy #DBT #ADHD #Selfharm #Relapse #CheckInWithMe #CrisisPlan

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    I’m dreading what I have to tell my therapist

    Y’all, today wasn’t good. I cut for the first time in five years… so many things happened that led to it. But I can’t help feeling ashamed and like I failed. Failed at using my resources, failed at being a good friend/sister because I did something I know will hurt/disappoint those I love and feeling like I failed myself. Though I don’t care about that last one as much as the first two. Last week near the end of my session I was able to tell my therapist I had been thinking about SH a lot and she tried to quickly set up a crisis plan but we were able to get very specific and I didn’t use what she had suggested anyway. But now I have new wounds and a very uncomfortable conversation ahead of me… I’m dreading it so much. I’m so tempted to make some excuse to cancel my session like citing too much homework or something (I’m a full time college student). How do I tell her? Also, how do I live with myself now? I KNOW better, but I didn’t do better.

    #Selfharm #Cutting #Relapse #Therapy #DBT #Therapist #Depression #Anxiety #ADHD #CollegeMentalHealth

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    The thoughts won’t stop #Selfharm #ADHD #Relapse #IntrusiveThoughts #Therapy

    TW: self harm relapse

    I don’t understand my brain. So the shortest version of the story is that I ran out of my ADHD meds last Monday, then 2 days later I had a massive argument with my housemate and my living environment went from not the best to extremely stressful and without my meds it was too much and I added some new scratches on my arm. A part of me is so ashamed, I haven’t done that since I was 17 (I’m 22 now) but not having meds and the extend stress was just too much. I told my therapist a little about my urges at the end of our session but we didn’t have time to really talk about it.

    I’m now back on my meds so my impulsively is so much better and my brain isn’t running around in as many circles. And nothing can really be done about the living situation right now but things have calmed down again. But here’s the thing I don’t understand. I still want to make new marks but even I don’t understand why. I’m in crisis, I can think and look at the logic and like I know all the reasons I shouldn’t turn back to it. But I still want to? I feel like I’m fine now, so why am I not actually fine? Am I just so screwed up I just want to hurt myself for no good reason? Has anyone else experienced this disconnect where like you don’t feel the intense emotions that usually lead to SH but actually struggle a lot to stay safe when things are fine?

    Also my therapist my therapist told me to let her know if I need another appointment before our next one. But I’m not really sure what would qualify for needing one sooner. Like, I’m definitely still thinking about SH but like if I just push through it myself there’s no need to bother her until our normal session, right? And like even if I did do something to myself before our next session, the deed would be done, so again why should I bother her sooner? Does that make sense? What would y’all consider a valid reason to reach out sooner?

    Picture of my baby who keeps me going her shirt says “namaste in bed”

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    So low

    I fucked up yesterday. I had a #Relapse and today I'm a wreak. It's been so long since I've had to keep making sure my sleeves don't slip up, since it's been painful to hold and carry my daughter, since my arms have stung in the shower. I feel terrible. I feel so weak for giving in to the temptation. I've thought about #Selfharm all day. It's so hard not to slip up again. My daughter is at her dads for another week, but I visited today to help out with her birthday party. I'm so thankful she's with him, because ever since I got home again I've been #Crying . I feel so #Guilty . I've fucked up before, and I always feel guilty. But this time it's different. It's so much deeper, so much more painful. I don't know why I'm writing this.. Maybe because I have no one else to talk to.. I haven't been to therapy for three weeks. I usually go twice a week, but my therapist is going through a family emergency. I understand that she has to deal with this, and I sympatise with her situation. It's just been so hard not having anyone to talk to about what I'm going through emotionally. I know I can talk to my kids dad. He's my best friend. But I don't wanna ruin his time with our daughter. We have 50/50 shared custody, and she spends two weeks at each place because of his work schedual. I know I need more help than I've gotten these weeks, but I have no one exept him.. I can't talk to my family about this. They have way too much going on with my sister. I don't wanna put more weight on their shoulders.. But I'm struggling so bad.. I feel so alone.. Maybe I just needed to vent..