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My brain won’t stop and rest. #Depression

I’m going through legal channels to try and get better visitation with my kids. I couldn’t get a lawyer who was willing to stand up for what I wanted, and in the mediation I seem to be giving up as much as I’m getting, so I’m not really getting any more time with them. Just that she can’t arbitrarily tell me I can’t see my sons anymore.
My seventeen year old doesn’t want to come around anymore, because at my place he doesn’t have an Xbox in his room and I tell him to put his phone away at the dinner table or when we’re playing a game together. My thirteen year old enjoys coming over because we watch his shows and play games and Beyblade together. Even my twenty one year old enjoys coming over because I listen when he talks about video games, something he says his birth father and his mother don’t do.
I’m being told that since it’s not the kids asking for change, then I don’t really have a leg to stand on. When the divorce happened I had been abused by my ex for so long that I couldn’t stand up for what I thought was best for my sons and I, and now it sounds like I just have to accept that I still have no power in my own life and my chances to try and guide my sons to a hard working and productive life are slim to none.
It’s after 4 in the morning and my brain won’t stop churning, trying to figure how I can get done what I think is right, when it seems like everyone else either doesn’t care or actively tells me I’m in the wrong. #Upallnight #lovemykids #Depression #lonely

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#notokay #lovemykids

Today my almost 17 year old son is packing his room and leaving my home, his friends, the ROTC program his has climbed the ranks on all because of my actions.
I already had my daughter (who after my husband moved back from a different state) come around a bit more...but I have more fighting against me than ever.
I have always been treatment compliant with my mental health issues, but it seems the more medications I am given, the worse things get. And that's not all! For the past 3 years I have been unable to get a diagnosis for some type of neurological or vestibular disorder. The diagnosing of problems has become ENDLESS in that area.
And if things really couldnt hurt my heart more than not being a mom to these two kids that I did everything for as both were IUGR babies, my girl being born at 35 weeks gestation weighing 3 pounds 8 ounces, and my boyboy was almost full term born at 4 pounds 13 ounces...I spent weeks at their crib sides in the hospitals.
I am a good person and capable of good things. But this man I have have been with and have loved, and he has seen me through some tough shi÷, he is angry with me for "forcing" these kids out as well. This stems from him and I knowing each other all the way back to middle school, the ironically meeting up again at age 19 (when he was room mates with my now exhusband), and then him and I
finding love together. I feel like that is all over too. I am so broken and lost this morning.