I thought I could do it this time. The last two semesters were the hardest yet, but I was so sure I could handle it this time. I had a game plan.
I woke up with more than enough time. I was ready to leave in time for my first class, the one I was seriously dreading. And then I didn't. I went upstairs, said goodbye to my family, got in my car, and drove away. I had to pull over ten minutes later because I could feel the panic building up in me. My boyfriend called when I didnt respond to his questions over text. I didn't know how to explain to him that I was slipping up without disappointing him. Looking back I can't remember exactly what either of us said to each other, but I know that he told me it would be alright, but if I couldn't get to class safely then it was OK to work on breathing. I never texted my peers in that class. I never told my professor why I missed class.
How can I tell him that, this being my fourth class with him, he and his entire way of (lack of) structuring his class sends me into frequent anxiety attacks, and that the idea of having to have another "what can we do from here" conversation with him almost, almost, makes me want to drop out and abandon the career that genuinely makes me happy. Last semester I didn't go to any of his classes that last month because I had an anxiety attack before I could get to his class each week. I can't keep doing this.
My boyfriend is making me speak to our university's Care Team about all this Monday, but I'm dreading it so much. How can I explain this without sounding like some whiny student who doesn't like their professor? How am I supposed to accomplish this without waving my mental illnesses like a flag in their faces? The last thing I want to do is use them as excuses, but I'm at a loss for what else to do. I have to take a class with this professor each semester until I graduate spring 2021. He's the only professor for these classes. I can't avoid him.
I keep finding myself angry that I can't seem to do what I need to do, but I don't know how I can move on unless something changes. More than anything, I just want to graduate so I can focus on this career I love. I can't keep my current jobs in this field forever, realistically, because they won't be able to support me. I can't get a livable salary without this degree. My brain loves to jump the gun and remind me that if I had died last semester like I planned, then I wouldn't be dealing with this now, but I don't want to die. I want to make it through. How can I do it?
How do you power through and overcome?
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