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This !! For real ..

This is the only place I feel I can post this ….
The one place I don’t feel judged
#Trauma #Depression #notokay

121 reactions 28 comments

Distract Me/Send Love

Oof-rough health week. STILL rehabbing a knee subluxation from February, but wait there’s more! Neck popped out for Easter, IBS symptoms all week, and for a limited time, an uncomfortable UTI!

At least my emotions are calm/steady. I’m just accepting it all, and resting in bed close to the bathroom.

Send memes/tv show suggestions/encouragement! This is NUTS!!!!!!!! #eds #hypermobile #notokay


Still struggling #Autism #Anxiety #Depression

Things still aren’t getting any better. Today, my therapist announced that today was my last session with him. I told him that I wasn’t ready to quit but he discharged me anyway, during the most trying times of my life. He left when I needed him the most and was dismissive of my disabilities every time I brought it up. Later today, I found out that one of my relatives passed away, and I don’t know whether it was because of the virus or not. I still don’t have a job and I’m really uncertain about the future. There is someone I really want to talk to about this but because I told him how I felt and he said no, I feel like I’m bothering him every time I do. I feel so left behind and miserable. I just want to back to some sense of normality but how can I? Everything is just so bad and when I think that things are finally okay, they’re not. I don’t know what to do anymore... #Autism #Disability #Depression #Anxiety #notokay #Loneliness #struggling


They say you‘ve got over something when you‘re not about to crying anymore talking about it. I have depression and I‘m not over it. Recovery is not linear. For a while I thought I‘m feeling better. But one step forward means two steps back. And tonight I‘m not over it. Tonight I feel it in my bones. My insides scream. Sometimes silence is louder than the loudest noise. And depression‘s having a loud voice. Tonight I‘m not okay.

#MentalIllness #notokay


I never wanted this.

I never wanted this to become my life.
I never wanted this to become my only home right now.
I never wanted to be chronically in emotional or physical pain for the rest of my life.
I never wanted my life to be as complicated as it feels lately.
I never wanted this to be more then a 2-4 week visit to work on myself.
I certainly never wanted it to become a 4 month stay because I don't know how to find the right place to go to be able to get out of here with drs approval.
I never thought I wouldn't be able to go back to the person I've been with for the past 11 years.
I never thought I wouldn't have the same home to go back to once im finally out of here.
I never wanted this to become what it has become for me.

I never wanted this.

But here I am.
It is what it is.
I can't change what happened.
I need to take some time to grieve the life I had,
Work through some things,
Find myself again,
And figure out what this all means to and for me.
Then move on and learn to live with these changes,
Even if it's one of the harder things I've ever had to do.

The battle is still at play.
We have yet to see how things turn out.
Will I win or will I lose?
I don't want to fight this battle alone.

#Depression #MentalHealth #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #help #CheckInWithMe #notokay #Emotions #Life


How do you get yourself through the #Anxiety of #University and #College ?

I thought I could do it this time. The last two semesters were the hardest yet, but I was so sure I could handle it this time. I had a game plan.

I woke up with more than enough time. I was ready to leave in time for my first class, the one I was seriously dreading. And then I didn't. I went upstairs, said goodbye to my family, got in my car, and drove away. I had to pull over ten minutes later because I could feel the panic building up in me. My boyfriend called when I didnt respond to his questions over text. I didn't know how to explain to him that I was slipping up without disappointing him. Looking back I can't remember exactly what either of us said to each other, but I know that he told me it would be alright, but if I couldn't get to class safely then it was OK to work on breathing. I never texted my peers in that class. I never told my professor why I missed class.

How can I tell him that, this being my fourth class with him, he and his entire way of (lack of) structuring his class sends me into frequent anxiety attacks, and that the idea of having to have another "what can we do from here" conversation with him almost, almost, makes me want to drop out and abandon the career that genuinely makes me happy. Last semester I didn't go to any of his classes that last month because I had an anxiety attack before I could get to his class each week. I can't keep doing this.

My boyfriend is making me speak to our university's Care Team about all this Monday, but I'm dreading it so much. How can I explain this without sounding like some whiny student who doesn't like their professor? How am I supposed to accomplish this without waving my mental illnesses like a flag in their faces? The last thing I want to do is use them as excuses, but I'm at a loss for what else to do. I have to take a class with this professor each semester until I graduate spring 2021. He's the only professor for these classes. I can't avoid him.

I keep finding myself angry that I can't seem to do what I need to do, but I don't know how I can move on unless something changes. More than anything, I just want to graduate so I can focus on this career I love. I can't keep my current jobs in this field forever, realistically, because they won't be able to support me. I can't get a livable salary without this degree. My brain loves to jump the gun and remind me that if I had died last semester like I planned, then I wouldn't be dealing with this now, but I don't want to die. I want to make it through. How can I do it?

How do you power through and overcome?

#Depression #Anxiety #CPTSD #University #College #MentalHealth #struggling #Spiraling #notokay #Advice #help


I have no idea anymore.. #whatdoidonow #Pain #Trauma

What’s on my mind? Thats a million dollar question. I haven’t posted in a while because I don’t even know how to put into words what’s happening to me and how I feel. It’s been nearly 2 years since I’ve been away from my abusers. and recently I had no choice but to reach out to my mother to make sure my nieces and nephews are safe from the fires in Australia.
These kids are innocent but there parents were literally watching the backyard be on fire with there kids there and a meth lab to just laugh it off and leave it.
Long story short my mum was high (as usual) and had no grasp of what was happening and she put me on to my worst nightmare, the guy who made my life a living hell from the age of 6 and before that. my dad..... I haven’t spoken to him since the night I ran away from home and he dislocated my shoulder causing an pitched nerve.
I got threw it and haven’t really processed it nor have I yet I just don’t know how to do this whole thing, my body realises I think because I’ve been shaking uncontrollably for no reason (which happens sometimes) and I’ve been feeling sick to my stomach any advice? I really really need it . #DomesticAbuseSurvivors #Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #ChildAbuse #notokay

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5 days into 2020 and it’s already horrible #notokay

what kind of 2020 is this suppose to be when literally my whole country is on fire, my friends are evacuating there homes. I know I have nothing to complain about but it’s terrifying, and with everything that’s happening in America my heart goes out to everyone💛
I shouldn’t have anything to complain about but I don’t know how I’m supposed to act when it feels like the whole world is against you mentally,physically and literally. Anyone else just feeling genuinely bad recently? #CPTSD #numbness to everything #Anxiety

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#notokay #lovemykids

Today my almost 17 year old son is packing his room and leaving my home, his friends, the ROTC program his has climbed the ranks on all because of my actions.
I already had my daughter (who after my husband moved back from a different state) come around a bit more...but I have more fighting against me than ever.
I have always been treatment compliant with my mental health issues, but it seems the more medications I am given, the worse things get. And that's not all! For the past 3 years I have been unable to get a diagnosis for some type of neurological or vestibular disorder. The diagnosing of problems has become ENDLESS in that area.
And if things really couldnt hurt my heart more than not being a mom to these two kids that I did everything for as both were IUGR babies, my girl being born at 35 weeks gestation weighing 3 pounds 8 ounces, and my boyboy was almost full term born at 4 pounds 13 ounces...I spent weeks at their crib sides in the hospitals.
I am a good person and capable of good things. But this man I have have been with and have loved, and he has seen me through some tough shi÷, he is angry with me for "forcing" these kids out as well. This stems from him and I knowing each other all the way back to middle school, the ironically meeting up again at age 19 (when he was room mates with my now exhusband), and then him and I
finding love together. I feel like that is all over too. I am so broken and lost this morning.


Why??? #Canttakemuchmore

I feel hurt and exhausted and I want to be ok but no matter what seems to happen I’m not ok and i want to go back to how I was when I was happy and I cared and back to a time when I still had some hope left
But now I don’t think I have any hope left because I’m a disaster and I can’t take much more of this #notokay #helpmedeal #givingup