Upallnight

Since Covid / then Long covid ,severe anxiety &depression, PTSD from the fire at our previous home then all the mess with going into homless accommodation then temporary accommodation then eventually getting our home end of the year I was really feeling so positive and looking forward even though I was still dealing with chronic pain in my back and legs every day ,the issues I have from long covid and the ptsd I was finally excited and looking forward and coping.Even my pain and symptoms getting worse due to the slipped disc,the fact my hair is still falling out ,my scars from the skin cancer biopsies , I was still focusing on the new house ,decorating things making things the way I wanted and liked as I'm always crafty and like changing things with my own touches. My mood was much better and I was having less bad days then all this !now have been long term catheterised ,on crutches now for the foreseeable, my breathing issues are worse now ,I need help with everything basically unable to do anything myaelf unaided or supported.I have completely lost myself,loads my confidence in everyday possible, I don't enjoy the little things I used to love I feel I have no passion or drive feel like I am a completely different person ,I don't look forward now I'm taking days by days and just in this ongoing routine of being in pain on medication that I need but makes me constantly tired and drowsy. I feel like my children are suffering again after everything now having to see me like this and unable to do any of the things I used to do with them without assistance, walking aids,pain relief ,being on such strong medication that makes me constantly drowsy and unable to even get up sometimes .I feel so frustrated and agitated that my body is in such a state and constantly look at everything I've lost and loved about myself.Right now I am getting through the days but that's it I feel numb and guilty that there's people way worse off yet at the minute I can only see and feel how bad things are .having ongoing appointments non stop , worrying about the lymph node that is swollen now considering my history and what that may then cause or need to be done.I just feel absolutely exhausted I feel like a burden to those round me who are there for me and helping me as though I'm just a burden and a pest. I feel like I'm failing as a mum and my kids are suffering because of my health and issues.I just really can't seem to see anything other than this dark place rightnow 😭😭 I'm glad I have this app to vent my struggles and situations and I'm always very appreciative of the support and advice I get and could really be doing with some justnow.
#MentalHealth #CheckInWithMe #Insomnia #Upallnight #SkinCancer #Endometriosis #COVID19 #longcovid #loveyourself #Bekind #Insomnia #Selfcare #PTSD #Anxiety #Depression #Parenting #GeneralParenting #AloneTogether #lost #ChronicIllness

Well I am finally home from hospital, but I have a long term Catheter in which may become something permanent depending on the damage to my bladder and my spine.I am on crutches, I can barely move to even slide myslef up a bed without struggling in pain ,I am now on morphene repeat prescription also from the chronic pain team .I have to see district nurses to see about getting things at home to help me be able to do things and get around now.I am so glad to be home with the kids and my little Coco ,but family member has now had to move in as I need assistance and care with everything to moving around to getting dressed,,washed,and also to deal with the kids which is amazing as means I can be at home with them even though I'm unable to do anything.they found a lump in my neck lymph nodes and because of the previous skin cancer its been referred urgently to my dermatologist.ive never struggled or been in as much pain as I am now so just having to take everyday as it comes and see what happens at future appointments.

#MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression #Selfcare #longcovid #loveyourself #Bekind #Insomnia #SkinCancer #narcissist #AloneTogether #Endometriosis #COVID19 #PTSD #Parenting #GeneralParenting

So after suffering with the spinal fluid damage ,and slipped disc for energy two years and being in pain every day ,having to use crutches most days and really struggling I knee it was getting worse and kept being told it was long covid and just being given stronger pain relief on repeat prescription, I ended up back in hospital and have been here 10 days already , My bladder is completely damaged I became unable to pass urine at all nothing I am completely numb ,my leg and arm have been going numb , the pain is unbearable, I had to be catheterised as my body had swollen because I'd waited too long long before coming in , I am getting a final scan and tests tomorrow to see how severe the damage is and what needs to be done if its an op or that,also I have a lump which has appeared on my neck as due to the past skin cancer issues this is being referred to emergency dermatology to be checked.
I am on numerous pain meds which at some points arent wven helping at all ,i am so frustrated it's taken this long and had so many signs it was getting worse and its not got to this .The damage may be too bad now ? I usually just cope with getting on with things but I'm extremely worried and anxious now , I've been crying non stop which I really don't do either I'm quite good at just masking things and holding it together!but I feel like I've I've eventually just hit my limit and can't take much more ...

Sorry for the rant and for being so quiet on my groups lately. Hopefully tomorrow will give some answers and a plan to what needs to be done.

#MentalHealth #CheckInWithMe #Insomnia #Upallnight #SkinCancer #Endometriosis #COVID19 #longcovid #loveyourself #Bekind #Insomnia #Depression #PTSD #Anxiety #Selfcare

Not sure if this will make much sense but its whats been going on in my head and the only ways i can try to explain or understand dealing with it.
This is something I continue to try and understand and also to try find ways of coping ...

On my bad days and when I feel absolutely worthless , feel like I'm failing , everything is overwhelming and it feels like it's all hitting me at once and to make it even more difficult I can't say it's because I'm sad from one specific thing that's happened or upset me .I'm not sad ! Infact it's the opposite I feel completely numb , it could even be on a day or at a moment when something good has happened and that's when it hits me like a punch to thw stomach!! But why ? If I should be happy or excited about something that's happened and be enjoying a moment or feeling good ,and I'm not sad why do I have this pain which takes over physically and mentally my full body ?!That is when I realise my depression is getting worse .I am so frustrated and i dont question why am I getting this feeling when i should be happy or even why am I not sad about this ? I know now that I have to ask myself why am I not enjoying this moment ?Why can't I feel happy and excitement about this event or achievement, That's when I know I'm numb,it's like my emotions and my body just shut down ,I can't experience things the way I would like to or enjoy the moments.The stressing ,overthinking, negative thoughts completely take over to the point where I shut it all out and end up just feeling NOTHING.I know I should be feeling something completely different and I don't that's when I know my depression has hit a major low and I have to take the time to try and refocus and pick myself back up again .I used to think feeling Sad or hurt was one of the worst pains but it turns out feeling nothing and empty and numb is way worse.

That's when I know I have to focus on the positives and good and make sure I get myself out of that big deep black hole before I go too deep and can't get out again.
It's definitely not always easy , but now that I know some of my triggers and can recognise myself ehen im falling into it I've been finding it a little easier getting back out ,I have my own little steps in my head I use and in reality that is my ladder that helps to get me out of that hole !!

#MentalHealth #CheckInWithMe #Insomnia #Upallnight #SkinCancer #Endometriosis #COVID19 #longcovid #Anxiety #Depression #PTSD #Selfcare

Well after a crazy ,hectic ,non stop 6 weeks of very long days ,all the decorating ,all the packing and moving things tonight I emptied the last of the boxes .This house now is starting to feel like our home :) .
Organising everything and even just hanging shelves or photos and adding all our little things has made me so excited .It's been a lot of tears and it's not completely done but I'm actually so proud of myself and what I've managed to do myself in 6 weeks considering the mess it was in when I got it.ive done things I never thought I'd be able to , and it feels so amazing now seeing it all come together ,seeing how Happy the kids are and how much them and our little Coco are settling into it.Really does make all the stress and hard work worth it to see them all so happy :) due to my health and pain being so bad too just decorating things,making things or organising stuff has really been helping with my anxiety aswell and I'm actually enjoying it.ive had so many and fay's lately but tonight unpacking that last box felt like such a relief and such an achievement of the fact I've done it all myself while being in pain and struggling and also making sure kids are settling in .
Going to bed feeling very satisfied and blessed tonight which is a really nice feeling compared to way I have been feeling alot lately.

#MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression #Selfcare #Toxic #Abuse #youmatter #beyou #loveyourself #Bekind #Insomnia #SkinCancer #narcissist #AloneTogether #Endometriosis #COVID19 #longcovid #Parenting #GeneralParenting #longcovid #CheckInWithMe #Bekind #Blessed #grateful