Not sure if this will make much sense but its whats been going on in my head and the only ways i can try to explain or understand dealing with it.
This is something I continue to try and understand and also to try find ways of coping ...
On my bad days and when I feel absolutely worthless , feel like I'm failing , everything is overwhelming and it feels like it's all hitting me at once and to make it even more difficult I can't say it's because I'm sad from one specific thing that's happened or upset me .I'm not sad ! Infact it's the opposite I feel completely numb , it could even be on a day or at a moment when something good has happened and that's when it hits me like a punch to thw stomach!! But why ? If I should be happy or excited about something that's happened and be enjoying a moment or feeling good ,and I'm not sad why do I have this pain which takes over physically and mentally my full body ?!That is when I realise my depression is getting worse .I am so frustrated and i dont question why am I getting this feeling when i should be happy or even why am I not sad about this ? I know now that I have to ask myself why am I not enjoying this moment ?Why can't I feel happy and excitement about this event or achievement, That's when I know I'm numb,it's like my emotions and my body just shut down ,I can't experience things the way I would like to or enjoy the moments.The stressing ,overthinking, negative thoughts completely take over to the point where I shut it all out and end up just feeling NOTHING.I know I should be feeling something completely different and I don't that's when I know my depression has hit a major low and I have to take the time to try and refocus and pick myself back up again .I used to think feeling Sad or hurt was one of the worst pains but it turns out feeling nothing and empty and numb is way worse.
That's when I know I have to focus on the positives and good and make sure I get myself out of that big deep black hole before I go too deep and can't get out again.
It's definitely not always easy , but now that I know some of my triggers and can recognise myself ehen im falling into it I've been finding it a little easier getting back out ,I have my own little steps in my head I use and in reality that is my ladder that helps to get me out of that hole !!
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