It seems like the main reason my mental health is so dibilitating (idk if I spelled that right) is because the physical symptoms that happen because of it. Everything from the muscle tension that almost feels like a seizure, jaw tension especially where I can't swallow or chew or even spit out the food I'm eating. this usually happens when I've been fooled into thinking that I'm okay enough to go in and eat somewhere. A few weeks ago for example, I went to my favorite country buffet to eat. Everything was fine. Then bam. I was eating and my whole body tensed up. I couldn't swallow my food. I tried but my whole body reacted and it all came back up. I couldn't even spit it out. The food sat in my mouth for about 15 minutes or more until my boyfriend finished eating and we left. I spit the food out in the trash can in my truck. It's horrifying. I also feel like I can't breathe, and like my breath is trapped inside my stomach in some places. My body freezes up in this position where it looks like I'm about to jump up and take off running. My eyes get extremely wide and apparently I look petrified. My neck will feel especially weird. Like it's about to be bent backwards until it snaps off my shoulders. Sorry. Graphic I know. My arms and legs sometimes go numb. I'll be involuntarily jerking and moving around and moving things around on the table or whatever is near me I guess in an effort to distract myself from feeling like I am dying. My boyfriend says it looks like I'm checking my temperature. Because often times I am feeling how excessively cold or hot my face is because it's either or. My heart will be beating out of my chest. Sometimes it's hard for me to walk. Sometimes I can't hold my body up. It is extremely exhausting and my doctor called It chronic fatigue. Not necessarily the syndrome so I don't want to falsely diagnose myself. However I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, PTSD and generalized anxiety disorder. It's labeled that I'm an alcoholic in remission even though I don't feel as if that's a true label. I did drink excessively for a good 6-7 years but it wasn't like I felt addicted. Eventually I realized that it was making my problems worse and I was actually a danger to myself and other people because I would black out and do reckless things. I am ashamed to admit that I was regurally drinking and driving. I am very blessed to have not hurt or killed myself or anyone else during those times. I would also black out and completely destroy my house. I would hurt myself. Stab myself with the broken pieces of plates and bowels. I would run away and get lost in local woods. I was fortunate to have people who cared about me to come find me down and help me get back home. I've jumped out of cars on the side of random roads before. I would be belligerent. Some mornings I would wake up and there would be my blood all over walls. Broken bottles and glass and everything else in between on the floor. There would be holes in the walls from where id punch them. I can't even really describe what lead me to that. When I would start drinking I would be fine but the more I would drink the more sensitive I became. I'm already a sensitive person. I guess I'd start thinking too hard about my childhood and the things I endured. I would think about the people I love and the things they had to endure. We didn't deserve that. I would just get so in my head and mad at the world that I would lose it. And the people around me who would try to calm me down would become targets and I would get angry with them. I wouldn't ever attack anyone though. Not for no reason anyways. I guess I realized how toxic that was. And how bad it was for me mentally and the people around me. Some of my friends and my boyfriend's friends who witnessed these episodes would laugh about it and act like it wasn't a big deal. It was a big deal though. That was almost like a cry for help in a way. It was toxic and dangerous. Not healthy at all. So eventually I just stopped it. I occasionally would/will drink something. But only wine. I have to be careful with that too because if I drink too much then I'll end up wanting to drink everything in sight and it always ends up bad. So for the most part I stay away from it. I got off topic there for a minute. Like I've previously said I'm just here to vent in an environment I don't feel judged. Everyone has a past. We're all human and this world is hard on everyone. Some harder than others but it's not a competition. Everyone deals with things different. Life is a journey and we're all just on our ways. All of this is a little bit everywhere and all over the place. But if you've taken the time to read it all. Thank you. #Agoraphobia #PanicDisorder #PanicAttacks #Anxiety #AnxietyAttacks #Depression #Alcohol #Alcoholism #MajorDepressiveDisorder #PTSD #muscletension