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Really struggle #Addiction #Alcohol

I am fighting with my depression and it makes my brain relapse. Anxiety flare up and agitated about almost everything.

Tried sleeping pill, but I cannot feel dozy every day. I am just trying to figure out other way.

32 reactions 8 comments

How can I substitute the urge?

I've recently started struggling with a disfunctional way of soothing my mind, which is taking whatever at hand, from mainly alcohol to various meds, in a sort of compulsive way.
In the past I struggled a lot with self-harm urges and now it seems to me to be the same pattern here.
When the urge arrives, then, sometimes I asked myself what to do instead able to soothe me the same, and I answered self-harming. Which I don't want to do again.
There must be an alternative, but I need hints.
Waiting until the urge goes away doesn't work. Distracting myself neither.
I now decided not to touch alcohol in any case, even in casual social occasions.
I have my opinions and am aware it's not healthy for neither my mind nor my body, but the urge is there and knows nothing apart from the fact that the feeling I get from the misuse attracts me so much I can't say no to it.

#Alcoholism #SubstanceAbuse #SubstanceMisuse #Alcohol #AlcoholAbuse #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety

24 reactions 4 comments

Emotions and alcohol

I thought saying goodbye to my favourite person (getting rid of everything like drawings and paintings and pictures etc.) would get me in a better mood. Instead I had a huge fall back tonight.

I started drinking more and more. And I am now realising that it was not a good idea. I've been an alcoholic and my ex a.k.a. my favourite person helped me off of it. And tonight I've made the mistake to drink a lot again.

I'm so afraid that I'm falling back again. My emotions are racing through my body again. I'm vulnerable and I feel like I'm about to make mistakes again by contacting him.

He even emailed me that he tried to call me earlier tonight, but I've changed my number. He said he was in the Netherlands. In the city that I am currently staying. He thought I would have loved to meet him in person. This was about an hour after I got rid of everything. So first I felt strong, then I felt weak, and then I started drinking again.

He was good for me. But at the same time he destroyed me with the things he has said. He's my weakness as well. I just don't want to think about him anymore. He and I are not good for each other. He only blames me unfortunately. And he doesn't see his own narcissist and God complex behaviour... meanwhile I want to work on my problems. But he doesn't even admit that he has them...

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Love #Relationships #AbusiveRelationship #Addiction #Alcohol #SuicidalThoughts #Thoughts

5 reactions 2 comments


I am tired of this life. Constant fear of upcoming flare ups from being chronically I’ll which results in missing out on life and work that causes you to become poor and suffering cause your not working so anxiety develops and you think your getting passed it when your 5 week sober boyfriend tells you he’s gonna “sip” tonight only means he’s gonna end up blacking out messaging other girls inappropriate things cause his alter ego comes into play and you start to panic even more cause money is going to waste on alcohol when we don’t even have food in the cupboards kinda anxiety #Addiction #Anxiety #Alcohol #ChronicPain #Poor

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Alcohol and anxiety? #Anxiety #Alcohol #PTSD

I am wondering if others who have had traumatic experiences have a worsening of symptoms with alcohol? I find recently when I drink alcohol, even just sticking to my rules of just one or two drinks (which is a pretty common situation socially), my anxiety and panic symptoms skyrocket. I feel like my mentality is impacted for days afterwards sometimes. I even am to the point where I dread social events that involve alcohol and avoid them. What is going on with me? I don’t have social anxiety because I’m fine at work or other social settings, but the stimulus of alcohol is triggering and I feel it’s having some actual physical effects. Is this real or imagined? I feel crazy. #Anxiety #PTSD #Alcohol

1 reaction

Depression and alcohol and stuff

Has anyone here given up drinking and seen a big improvement on their depression? That’s my main question.

I have 2-3 glasses of wine each night. I can go without it, in fact I occasionally make a point of taking a month off to make sure I can. But I really enjoy wine. It is the only way I can relax. It brings me joy. I look forward to it. But my therapist thinks that if I go without for three months it is possible that it will really help my depression and irritability. If I knew for sure it would help, I think I could give it up. I’m still in the “thinking about maybe trying it” stage.

I am just so tired. Therapy hasn’t helped. Medication either. Is it hormonal? Chemical? Is my marriage causing my depression or visa-versa? I don’t know if I’m deeply in love or resentful/hateful. I feel like I’m crazy and can’t keep whining to my support system.

I come here when I’m struggling because you understand but it is triggering because so many of us are in so much pain.

Have any of you really gotten to the bottom of it? Is there hope? #Depression #Alcohol #alone #Relationships #Hope


Depression post, trauma, and trying to get better

Today I’m trying to take ahold of what I can control in my life. Even though I struggle with severe #Depression and #Anxiety I try and do what I can to make my life as #normal as possible. Some days aren’t always so bad and I can function okay and pretty normally despite having #suicidal thoughts. Other times I have to remind myself it’s the little #victories are a huge win. Doing a load of laundry. Splashing my face with cold water and putting on deodorant and some perfume as just getting ready for the day. I’m just trying to take it one step at a time.

I was in some pretty bad and abusive relationships. #Drug use, #Alcohol , #DomesticViolence . My last relationship I stayed with him for so long because I felt like I was damaged goods. He gave me #herpes and I felt like my life was over. I was no longer able to be “normal”, date normally ever again. I was as good as rotten fruit, even though I only had 3 boyfriends my whole life and never had any one night stands. So I stayed, even through the manipulation, the lies, the constant verbal, emotional, and physical abuse that I was receiving daily. Why did I deserve better? Why would anyone, think anything of me besides just being damaged and just bad baggage? I didn’t deserve it, hell I was such a disappointment to myself let alone I’m sure being a disappointment to my family. I was so exhausted, so depressed, so I stayed and ignored the very obvious red flags. He even had a previous domestic charge on him from a prior relationship. He even told me in such a rage later on that he did punch her when he swore up and down he didn’t. He would constantly yell at me on my lunch breaks that I was cheating on him with my coworkers. One time when I didn’t text him back within two minutes, I was the bad guy. Getting called every name in the book, because I deserved it. He would constantly kick me, choke me, punch me in the face, spit on me, throw water on me, pull my hair, grab me so I wasn’t able to leave. Grab my phone and keys so I couldn’t call or leave on my own free will. He used to do MMA for 10+ years. One time he kicked me in my leg so hard I couldn’t walk normally for a week. He’s broken my ankle, causing me to be in crutches. Chocked me so hard the blood vessels in my eye burst. I always had bruises on my body. Yet I stayed. I wanted to die.

I never told anyone anything until I got into therapy just a few months ago. It wasn’t until my ex screamed at me for hours about how he was going to kill me, bash my head into various objects. I finally grabbed the valuables I had, my dog, and I left when he was at work.

So now I’m in a safe place, away from him. I cut off all communication. Deleted his photos and am donating or throwing out anything we shared together. However I’m stuck with these feelings of #Guilt , #Shame and #anger . I wish I wasn’t scarred from all this but I am. I wish I could date again normally but idk that’s going to take a lot of time. I want to tell him nasty things he told me to get back at him. I’m upset at myself for not leaving when I so should have. I’m trying to deal with these emotions and trauma. So anyways I’m just sitting here folding my laundry and cleaning out my closet because so far that’s what I have control over. I’m still incredibly suicidal because I feel like I can’t be normal or date normally so the future is scary. I feel better finally and I’m glad I left. I’m just now trying to get out of this flight of fight stage, trying to better myself and maybe someday in the future someone will understand. Until then I have my loving mom my dog and my lizard. Onto my next load of laundry.

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Physical symptoms of panic attacks and general anxiety. Then random ranting toward the end. 5-28-22 @ 4:48pm in Korey's building. On his birthday.

It seems like the main reason my mental health is so dibilitating (idk if I spelled that right) is because the physical symptoms that happen because of it. Everything from the muscle tension that almost feels like a seizure, jaw tension especially where I can't swallow or chew or even spit out the food I'm eating. this usually happens when I've been fooled into thinking that I'm okay enough to go in and eat somewhere. A few weeks ago for example, I went to my favorite country buffet to eat. Everything was fine. Then bam. I was eating and my whole body tensed up. I couldn't swallow my food. I tried but my whole body reacted and it all came back up. I couldn't even spit it out. The food sat in my mouth for about 15 minutes or more until my boyfriend finished eating and we left. I spit the food out in the trash can in my truck. It's horrifying. I also feel like I can't breathe, and like my breath is trapped inside my stomach in some places. My body freezes up in this position where it looks like I'm about to jump up and take off running. My eyes get extremely wide and apparently I look petrified. My neck will feel especially weird. Like it's about to be bent backwards until it snaps off my shoulders. Sorry. Graphic I know. My arms and legs sometimes go numb. I'll be involuntarily jerking and moving around and moving things around on the table or whatever is near me I guess in an effort to distract myself from feeling like I am dying. My boyfriend says it looks like I'm checking my temperature. Because often times I am feeling how excessively cold or hot my face is because it's either or. My heart will be beating out of my chest. Sometimes it's hard for me to walk. Sometimes I can't hold my body up. It is extremely exhausting and my doctor called It chronic fatigue. Not necessarily the syndrome so I don't want to falsely diagnose myself. However I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, PTSD and generalized anxiety disorder. It's labeled that I'm an alcoholic in remission even though I don't feel as if that's a true label. I did drink excessively for a good 6-7 years but it wasn't like I felt addicted. Eventually I realized that it was making my problems worse and I was actually a danger to myself and other people because I would black out and do reckless things. I am ashamed to admit that I was regurally drinking and driving. I am very blessed to have not hurt or killed myself or anyone else during those times. I would also black out and completely destroy my house. I would hurt myself. Stab myself with the broken pieces of plates and bowels. I would run away and get lost in local woods. I was fortunate to have people who cared about me to come find me down and help me get back home. I've jumped out of cars on the side of random roads before. I would be belligerent. Some mornings I would wake up and there would be my blood all over walls. Broken bottles and glass and everything else in between on the floor. There would be holes in the walls from where id punch them. I can't even really describe what lead me to that. When I would start drinking I would be fine but the more I would drink the more sensitive I became. I'm already a sensitive person. I guess I'd start thinking too hard about my childhood and the things I endured. I would think about the people I love and the things they had to endure. We didn't deserve that. I would just get so in my head and mad at the world that I would lose it. And the people around me who would try to calm me down would become targets and I would get angry with them. I wouldn't ever attack anyone though. Not for no reason anyways. I guess I realized how toxic that was. And how bad it was for me mentally and the people around me. Some of my friends and my boyfriend's friends who witnessed these episodes would laugh about it and act like it wasn't a big deal. It was a big deal though. That was almost like a cry for help in a way. It was toxic and dangerous. Not healthy at all. So eventually I just stopped it. I occasionally would/will drink something. But only wine. I have to be careful with that too because if I drink too much then I'll end up wanting to drink everything in sight and it always ends up bad. So for the most part I stay away from it. I got off topic there for a minute. Like I've previously said I'm just here to vent in an environment I don't feel judged. Everyone has a past. We're all human and this world is hard on everyone. Some harder than others but it's not a competition. Everyone deals with things different. Life is a journey and we're all just on our ways. All of this is a little bit everywhere and all over the place. But if you've taken the time to read it all. Thank you. #Agoraphobia #PanicDisorder #PanicAttacks #Anxiety #AnxietyAttacks #Depression #Alcohol #Alcoholism #MajorDepressiveDisorder #PTSD #muscletension