mysymtoms

They haunt me,
Telling me I’m not good enough
Telling me that I’m not wanted.
That I won’t be missed.

I haven’t scared my arm so far this year
But the voice is there taunting me.

I find it so hard
Not to give in to the thoughts
I don’t want to die
But I’m suicidal.

I want to leave and run far away
Run away from my problems
Just like I’ve always done

I’m not wanted here
I’m just a burden
A failure
Unwanted treasure

I am wanted elsewhere though
My voices are wrong
I am loved
I am wanted
I belong alive
I shouldn’t die
But I want to.

At least in death I can’t fail
Although I’d fail at life
I have dreams
I want my own family
I want children
I want a husband
I want a life.

I wish the voices would go away
I don’t want them to stay
I haven’t cut since last year
I’ve been happy
And yet I feel so far away.

I promise I will never end it
I am afraid
Of never seeing those dreams
I am afraid of the pain of death.

E. Louise (c) 23/1/2018

Sleep
It is like a mist
A whiff of scented air
That comes to me unbidden

Sunshine
And yet so tired
I smell the clouds calling
And long to drift away hidden

Darkness
It looms and falls
Yet Morpheus avoids me
Forsaken, now I am bedridden

#Insomnia #Sleep #morpheus #mysymtoms

Every night before I sleep
I empty a pill box on my tongue
Containing twenty-something different capsules
supposedly containing ingredients to a better life
But for years I've been taking them
So I take a swig of water
As I feel my throat close and get dry
And I pat my chest a few times with my palm
Choking down on twenty-something lies
They say this secret recipe
Will make my demons my friends
Which doesn't sound so bad sometimes
It would be nice to have them
I turn off the light and lie in the dark
Trying to have a little hope
"Maybe this time it will work"
I lie to myself to cope
So I start what would be a prayer
If I believed in anything good
And I ask for a new heart
A heart that lets people in
A heart that's not misunderstood
I then inhale deeply
Even though it feels like I'm barely breathing
So I can't help but I continue my nightly ritual
Of the cruel inner dialogue
Ive spent 28 years believing
I close my eyes and take a journey
Thru a dreary battlefield in my mind
Shooting open fire against myself
It's the perfect lullaby I need to unwind
I force a yawn and feel my heart slow-down
As I wish innocently of a day
I will be the strong and brave person they think I am
And admit to someone I'm not OK
But just for tonight
I'll wrap my arms around myself
And chant out loud in a factual tone
"You are safe and you are sound" and
"You won't always be alone"
I then turn over on my side
Towards the center of the bed
Almost unaware I'm lying to myself
I say it over and over again
I then begin to drift away
Into a deep nothingness
Never getting away from the monsters in my mind that consume every inch of my being #October