I recently lost my driving privileges because of a documented seizure. I have had reasons to doubt my driving ability in the past and knew this day might be coming, but I guess I am still taking this loss pretty hard. Also, everyone I know is now very worried about me getting run over walking or biking with my near constant vertigo, and other issues.

Where I live, public busses definitely do exist and they are good enough a surprising number of people do use them. Thank goodness. That said, the schedules are still infrequent. The routs are also long. The length of the rout is often not because of distance traveled. It can be because the whole buss map is laid out in an asterisk patern. The busses all go to a single hub downtown, where everyone changes busses in that one place, before all the busses carry on to elsewhere.

Places the busses drop off and pick up can also be a problem for someone like me. This is because there may be no sidewalk or no pedestrian signals, even at the busy, complicated intersections. My service dog and I walk much better if we can rely on both these things.

I can ride a bike sometimes, but the bike lanes alongside the rides in my city are either non-existent or really a mixed bag that includes many flavors of confusing. I am assured, by other cyclists, that this is "confusing" on a level that is really not user friendly for anyone. Basically, the citty can't decide what kinds of bike lane to use, so they have something of everything.

Frequently there is nothing at all in the intersections, or whatever is there can be actively incompatable. This is things like a one way bike lain and a two way bike path both ending abruptly at a busy intersection. Figuring out how to navigate this is not easy. I'm a pretty educated cyclist and I still don't know how it's supposed to be done. This mixed up situation is probably extra hard for me, but actually that difference may also not be that much. I can be fairly normal on a really good day. Everybody seems to be confused, and also, an objective look at the variety of mixed up rules and structures makes it pretty clear that this infact a confusing non-system.

However the streets are, I am determined to keep doing things on my own. I'm determined to get out of the house, stay social, and not soly rely on my wife for rides everywhere. I have a few friends who also drive me some places, but let's be real. My wife is family. Most of this falls on her. She already supports us both financially and does a big share of the housework too. I desperately wish I did more of SOMETHING. Reality is I'd almost always rather do about anything than sit on the couch all day. Sometimes I'm there anyway.

Today, sitting on the couch and doing some phone calls and paperwork was pretty aspirational. I found I could get some things done, but only if I was really careful what I did with my eyes and head.

My wife is an amazing person who swore to love me "in sickness and in health," knowing that sickness was going to be the gueranteed part of that deal. It's amazing to know I am so loved, but also, I know she did not swear to be things like my taxi service and secretary. I want to do the best I can to take care of myself, to the fullest extent I am able, and I also want to be able to sometimes take care of her as well.

I was also my grandparent's caregiver for several years. I remember how much harder things got as soon as they stopped getting out of the house on their own. That is not a bridge I want to cross myself, certainly not any time soon. I'm not quite 40 here.

Anyone else out there in this no driving boat?

#Epilepsy #BrainInjury #Nodriving #Undiagnosed #Caregiving #MentalHealth