Philippines

I've never really given much thought before but I usually get slightly more anxious during heavy rains, like the one we have tonight in the #Philippines . I know a lot of people who appreciate the rain. But I don't, I just can't. The sound of every raindrop echoes deep within my mind and the roar of the wind screams straight through my heart. Not a hint of calm envelops my body when I hear the rainwater flowing down our roof and through the piping that should lead it down to the ground.

I thought I didn't really care about the storm that flooded our city almost nine years ago. I slept a good sleep that night knowing well that I went through our last classes in college before the christmas break, that for some time I no longer think of being a student. The morning after, I woke up to the screams of our neighbor of water reaching their beds. I was in shock and for the next 15 minutes I was able to secure all of my books and my meager belongings three feet above the ground. But I went out to a solid lawn. Our house was second along a sloping hill. We were safe,my family and I was obviously safe.

Well that night, the same storm took a thousand lives from our city, everyone living along the mighty river. That same storm took the life of my fellow scholar, who couldn't escape a house overturned by a strong current of mud. Such a life, that storm took, my fellow who was supposed to be brighter than I can ever be. The fellow who never had to worry about learning and earning good grades. This is one of the lives that storm took away. I must admit that we were not the closest of friends in our six months of classes, but I did recognize his superior intelligence, all of his potential, all of his life taken away by the storm. I was too naive. I thought he never touched my life, I did not even shed a tear during our large group discussions by the time classes went back. But I was wrong. I am obviously wrong.

I never thought the storm had that much impact to my life, because after all, my family survived, our house stood up unbothered. But I still can't get myself to sleep on a rainy night. I can't help but become vigilant. I can't help but imagine maybe it is I who should have died, that my superior fellow should have survived, that life is too unfair to let me survive but not let him, that I must live my life for his memory, that I must spend my life achieving things that he was supposed to achieve, that I survived because he did not... Yes, my dark thoughts are trailing. I wish they could just go somewhere else than get deep within my mind. But they won't. Not tonight on this rainy night.

Hi. I need help with my mental health but here in the Philippines I don't have as much access to therapists or other support system. I feel like I have undiagnosed mental health problems. #Philippines #Undiagnosed #Support