10 Things Not to Say to Someone With PTSD (And Some Alternatives)
Some people want you to heal quickly. When a traumatic event occurs in your life, those around you often gather to support you and make sure you feel loved and cared for; they tell you they understand how frightening the experience must have been, about how they donât even know what they would do in your situation.
But then days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months and months sometimes end up turning into years. And the longer youâre afraid because of what happened to you, the less people tend to support you, because the may believe youâre over-reacting or just trying to seek attention.
The last thing those of us with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) want is attention â the first thing we want is support, the feeling of landing on something solid after falling so far down the rabbit hole we think we may have traveled father than Alice in âAlice in Wonderland.â
If you have a loved one in your life with post-traumatic stress disorder, here is a list of things not to say to them, as well as an alternative to use instead:
- What not to say: âIt wasnât even life-threatening.â
Alternative: âI know youâre scared because of it, but youâre safe now.â - What not to say: âPeople have been through worse.â
Alternative: âYou can get through this hardship.â - What not to say: âStop over-reacting.â
Alternative: âI understand youâre scared, but Iâm going to be right here next to you the whole time so that nothing happens. Letâs do this.â - What not to say: âYouâre faking it.â
Alternative: There is no alternative response to this â but there is an alternative reaction: educate yourself on the disorder so you can better understand what your loved one might be feeling. - What not to say: âIâve been through something similar and I donât have PTSD, so you donât have it either.â
Alternative: Again, educate yourself. You do not know someoneâs story; maybe this event was the straw that broke the camelâs back (or you know, the event that âbrokeâ the brain). Not everyone whoâs been held up at gun-point has post-traumatic stress disorder, just like not everyone whoâs been raped haas PTSD. Someone who was shot in the ankle may be perfectly OK mentally, but that doesnât mean someone having been robbed is. - What not to say: âYou realize youâre being completely illogical right now, right?â
Alternative: âI know that your brain is telling you that everywhere you go and everything you do could cause a trigger/you to feel as if youâre in danger. Try to keep repeating to yourself that you are safe, no one is going to hurt you and you will be OK.â - What not to say: âStop being so dramatic.â
Alternative: âDeep breath. Letâs talk through this. Why do you feel this way?â - What not to say: âYou said you were OK.â
Alternative: Donât always believe us when we say we were OK. Weâre often not OK. Weâre freaking out. So instead of just leaving us be, maybe do something that will make us feel a little better: bring us some bath bombs, some chocolate or come over and play video games. Anything to make us feel as if you not only care, but you care enough to bring us something that could potentially make us feel OK, if even for a short time. - What not to say: âHow was I supposed to know (fill in statement here)?â
Alternative: The thing about those of us with PTSD, is we also often have high levels of anxiety and depression. Because of the stigma surrounding mental illness, most of the time we donât tell you exactly whatâs happening in our heads. And then we may be angry at you for not knowing about whatâs happening in our heads. Try not to get angry with us; the anger we have towards you is part of PTSD. Simply listen to what weâre saying and respond with something along the lines of: âI had no idea you were feeling this way. Letâs talk it through and figure out what is causing these feelings.â Or, âI know youâre angry I didnât notice this, and Iâm sorry for whatever signs I may have missed, letâs just take a deep breath and talk this through.â - What not to say: âGet over it already!â
Alternative: Similar to âyouâre being over-dramatic or attention-seekingâ â we cannot just get over this event. It is in our lives forever, whether we like it or not. We have to re-learn how to live our lives with this being a part of us now, and that can be hard. And it can take a lot of time and effort and an outlandish amount of support from friends and family. Never say this to someone with PTSD; go ahead and think it all you want, but donât ever say it if you value that person in your life. Part of the healing process in many PTSD patients is ridding themselves of toxic people. The moment you say this phrase, you become toxic to those who have PTSD, and you will soon find yourself without that person in your life. Instead, try something like: âHelp me to understand why this is still impacting your life so much, because I just donât get it,â or âWhy does this seem to be affecting you so hard? I want to understand whatâs going on so I can be better at supporting you when you need me.â
All 10 of these statements have been said to me â by family, friends and acquaintances. Please be careful what you say to anybody with any kind of mental health issue, disorder, chronic illness or disease. Negativity really impacts us, and it only makes us want to give up on ourselves and our life even more than we already do.
I have narrowed my circle of friends to next to nothing due to the toxicity of some I allowed to be around me. And since then I have not only started healing for real, but Iâve also started gaining confidence in myself and my life.
Getty image by AntonioGuillem