My entire life, fear has been my fuel.

Fear is what got me to move.

To try.

To show up.

To perform.

To be “good.”

To keep people close.

To keep myself alive.

I didn’t get things done because I believed in myself.

I got things done because I was afraid of what would happen if I didn’t.

Fear of being judged.

Fear of failing.

Fear of being too much.

Fear of not being enough.

Fear of being left.

Fear of being seen.

Fear of not being seen.

Fear was my heartbeat.

And now?

It’s gone.

The engine that kept me going for years just… broke.

Stopped.

Shut down.

And I’m left sitting in a quiet that doesn’t feel peaceful.

It feels hollow.

I don’t feel motivated.

I don’t feel inspired.

I don’t feel ambitious.

I don’t feel excited.

I don’t feel anything pulling me or pushing me.

It’s not numb like “I don’t care.”

It’s numb like I don’t have any fuel left to care with.

Like the part of me that used to function, simply… doesn’t.

And I have to face the truth:

I don’t know how to move without fear.

I don’t know who I am without fear.

If I’m not running, then what?

If I’m not fighting, then who am I?

If I’m not trying to survive, then what the hell do I do with myself?

This is not laziness.

This is not giving up.

This is not me being dramatic.

This is collapse.

This is the body saying:

“I cannot keep living like this.

Not like that.”

And it’s terrifying because I don’t have a replacement system yet.

I don’t know how to be a person who moves toward things instead of away from them.

I don’t know how to want things because they feel good, not because I’m afraid of the consequences.

I’m stuck in this strange dead-space between who I’ve been and whoever I’m supposed to become.

And it feels like floating in darkness with no map, no promise, no spark.

But here’s the thing I’m holding onto:

The collapse means the old system is gone.

And the old system needed to die.

Fear kept me alive.

But I deserve something better than survival.

So I’m learning to notice the tiniest things that don’t demand anything from me:

A dog breathing against my leg.

A song that doesn’t hurt.

Warm water.

A quiet corner where no one needs anything from me.

I don’t know where this is going yet.

I don’t have a plan.

I don’t have answers.

But I’m here.

Raw.

Stripped.

Starting over.

If you’re here too

floating in this terrifying nowhere

you’re not alone.

#CPTSD #traumasurvivor #Burnout #NervousSystemHealing #SurvivalMode #chronicstress #Emotionalexhaustion #restisrecovery #IdentityAfterTrauma #FeelingEmpty #startingover