Well, today was the day. I am finally rid of you on paper, and I will no longer have your last name. You abused me in every way. You left me with so much trauma to deal with. So even though I am rid of you on paper, sadly not rid of you like I want to be. You destroyed the person I use to be, I allowed you to. Because I loved you. I loved you more than I loved myself.
It’s insane to me how you could spend 8+ years with someone.. know them inside and out, go through so much shit, and then all in one day, turn to nothing. But that’s just it, I’ve always been nothing to you. And I’ve known that, I just wanted you to love me. I just wanted to be enough for you. You always told me how I made you feel loved, I just wanted to feel that way.
But you had better things to focus on, which was you. You were taking care of you, I was taking care of you. Meanwhile no one was taking care of me. You made me hate who I was. You made me a nobody. You kept me from the people who loved me the most.
In 8 years you made/gave me an alcoholic, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, and WORST of all ptsd. For the love of GOD I should have put you in jail when I had the chance, but I loved you. And I forgave you. For everything.. that’s one of the hardest things to do is forgive someone who isn’t sorry.
Now all I want is myself. I want my life back, I don’t want memories. But that’s all I’m stuck with. I will never be the person I was..
I will now be better, stronger.
I’m not sure how I’ll get through this. But I know I will. Because that’s all I know how to do is fight, and survive, except I’ll get to a point where I’ll be living NOT just surviving.
One day you will no longer be in my thoughts, memories. The trauma you caused me will no longer control me. You’ll just fade away.
Until then, I’ll keep fighting.
#RapeSurvivors #PTSD #Anxiety #startingover #Divorced #movingforward #Trying #Goodenough