The last few days have been hard. Constant slip ups and old behaviour coming out. I don’t feel myself becoming as bad as I once was but I know if I don’t get a grip soon it’s going to wind up a possibility. I’m not sure if it’s the lack of sleep I’ve been getting or the fact that I keep forgetting to take my Lorazepam but I have to keep reminding myself that how I used to be is definitely not a place I want to go back to. I’ve grown so much since then. When I say I was bad, I mean I was definitely BAD. Anything and everything triggered me, and when it did my husband was the one and only to get it taken out on. Constantly starting arguments for no reason and bringing up past issues just to get a sense of power over him. Threatening to leave, throwing his shit on the driveway and best of all punching holes in the walls. Yeah, classic BPD. But for real though, it was a dark place for me. I think lately it’s just me overthinking every little thing and being so damn scared to actually be happy.
I have been to hell and back the last seven years and I feel content with my life and I’m just nervous it will all get taken from me. Also fall time is like my favourite but it holds countless triggers for me from past traumatic experiences. I just get iffy during autumn. Y’all I hope this all makes some sort of sense, I’m writing this half asleep but my brain is going a million miles an hour. To anyone going through any sort of healing process, just remember it’s okay to slip up sometimes. We are humans with mental illnesses and we can’t always be expected to act like we don’t have anything funny going on upstairs (😂).
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #Anxiety #CPTSD #AdjustmentDisorder #Healing #roadtohappiness #workingonmyself