The day you took my voice away
This post is something I needed to do because my suicidal thought have skyrocketed since I received hatred toward my blog and post on themighty. I was so deeply impacted as stated in my last post that I am strongly concerning stopping posting. But here is my thought they are raw and what i needed to verbalize. Hope you enjoy as I try to get the strength to post daily again.
The day you took my voice away. Was the day I knew I needed to take some time away not because your words were true, but because I cut me like a sharp knife, knife that cut so deep the pain was so unimaginable. This made me realize I needed to first develop coping mechanisms to deal with people like you. It made me realize I need to find my strength to strengthen my dialect. The day you stabbed me with your metaphoric knife was the day you made me almost commit suicide to "rid the world of myself." But I stuck it out, I overmedicated because something inside me told me I need to attend my new group therapy. Thank God I did because I saw the true reactions my stories and insight and unselfish nature invoked. The people truly going through a struggle needed my knid words and the gratitude they showed me made such a huge impact on my life. It made me realize I now more than ever needed to take back my voice and no longer let the oppressors of the world take my voice or another person's voice that is willing to share there story.
The day you took away my voice was the most invalidating day of my life. Worse than when the doctors told me there was nothing wrong with me and I just had adjustment disorder despite going on runs of no sleep. Invalidation took my voice away so many times before yet this time when my voice was taken away it hurt worst, it flet like a knife cutting me over and over again. The metaphoric blood was mixed with real tears, tears not because your statements were true, tears because I was being oppressed and torn a part in something I was sharing my true thoughts, experiences, and most of all my vulnerability. Vulnerability in a society that stigmatizes and stereotypes those with mental illness.
The day you took away my voice was the day I realize if I didn't learn to handle people like you I would one day end up in a box. A box with no one there to say good bye because you took away my voice in a time were I am trying to forge new friendships.
The day you took away my voice will affect me for the rest of my life because it was nearly my fourth suicide attempt a d this time I had a fool proof plan. I will always remember the day you took away my voice because it was the scariest day of my life, scarier than every one of the buildups to my first three suicide attempts. Scarier because if was not just my mind telling saying kill yourself Nathan, die and rid the world of yourself, but you too were saying to rid the world of myself.
I will never forget the day you took my voice away because in desperation for some assurance your thoughts of manipulation, selfishness, and horribleness were not true, I fired away a post on TheMighty and not one person said what I post is garbage, that I am a manipulator, that I need to rid thebworld of myself, or that I am lying about having a mental illness.
On that day people I never talked to in my life gave to my defense they showed me sharing my story and journey is not only the right thing to do, but is also well received. That day positivity far outweighed your negativity.
I will never for get the day you took my voice away because it will impact my life for a long time, but I doubt we can say the same for you.