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Today’s thoughts

Well I’ve been doing pretty well since I’ve decided to take control of my life, my mental illnesses and my emotions.
There were a lot of times that I could have blown up but decided to take the high road and distract myself instead.
I know this isn’t going to be an easy road and I know I am going to have slip ups here and there.
I still feel certain things, I still feel hurt by my past but I have to remind myself I don’t live there. I need to live in the present and look forward.
I’ve come to learn a lot of my triggers the last few days and I ask myself “okay but WHY does this upset me?” Asking myself these questions has helped me learn a lot about how to control myself when I do get triggered.
I’ve also come to realize not every little thing needs a HUGE reaction. I’ve just been draining myself by doing so.
Part of the reason I am working so hard on myself right now is because I want my marriage to work. I want my kids to grow up with two happy parents. I want to learn to have patience with my husband and my kids. I want to be utterly and completely in love with life again.
Let me know what you guys have done in order to work on yourselves! Could be anything! Could be blocking a toxic person, or finding a hobby that makes you happy. 😊
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #CPTSD #Anxiety #Depression #AdjustmentDisorder #Healing #findinghappiness #workingonmyself

1 comment

Feeling off

The last few days have been hard. Constant slip ups and old behaviour coming out. I don’t feel myself becoming as bad as I once was but I know if I don’t get a grip soon it’s going to wind up a possibility. I’m not sure if it’s the lack of sleep I’ve been getting or the fact that I keep forgetting to take my Lorazepam but I have to keep reminding myself that how I used to be is definitely not a place I want to go back to. I’ve grown so much since then. When I say I was bad, I mean I was definitely BAD. Anything and everything triggered me, and when it did my husband was the one and only to get it taken out on. Constantly starting arguments for no reason and bringing up past issues just to get a sense of power over him. Threatening to leave, throwing his shit on the driveway and best of all punching holes in the walls. Yeah, classic BPD. But for real though, it was a dark place for me. I think lately it’s just me overthinking every little thing and being so damn scared to actually be happy.
I have been to hell and back the last seven years and I feel content with my life and I’m just nervous it will all get taken from me. Also fall time is like my favourite but it holds countless triggers for me from past traumatic experiences. I just get iffy during autumn. Y’all I hope this all makes some sort of sense, I’m writing this half asleep but my brain is going a million miles an hour. To anyone going through any sort of healing process, just remember it’s okay to slip up sometimes. We are humans with mental illnesses and we can’t always be expected to act like we don’t have anything funny going on upstairs (😂).
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #Anxiety #CPTSD #AdjustmentDisorder #Healing #roadtohappiness #workingonmyself

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Touching base

I have been MIA for the last seven or so months from this app.
This app truly helped me get my thoughts out and connect with people going through the same issues as myself. But I started to get dragged down by groups revolving around mental health, especially BPD groups because not everyone is at the same pace as you are in your journey I’ve come to learn. So with saying that I was at the point where I was ready to turn things around for myself and a lot of people weren’t and it made me feel hopeless.
So I took a break and focus solely on myself and what I needed to work on.
I’ve definitely come a long way since my diagnosis last year. I’ve realized my triggers and what works for me when I feel upset. I understand my mental illnesses A LOT more.
I still have my bad days don’t get me wrong but instead of throwing a rage fit and cussing out my husband (yes I got married this summer!!), I leave the situation and take some down time.
It’s all in how you react to things and what’s going to work for YOU. Sometimes being apart of a “support group” doesn’t work for everyone because we get too wrapped up in other people’s issues.
I’m glad to be back on here, having a new sense of self awareness and a clear mindset.
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #AdjustmentDisorder #Depression #Anxiety #CPTSD #Healing #workingonmyself