healing

I love to journal and I love finding prompts to journal about. I just Google the prompts that I'm looking for and I find thousands of them. Tonight's prompt is really making me think. Especially about the positive. I know it sounds negative and pessimistic to say that I tend to think of the negative regarding my situation. I suppose negative thinking and internal dialogues are a normal aftereffect of being abused. But tonight I want to challenge those thoughts by writing something positive. So this brings me to the question: What do I love most about my life? I've never actually put much thought into this question. Maybe there isn't any one answer to this question but I'm going to answer this as best I can.

I tend to focus on the fact that I was abused and abandoned and this leads me to think that there is no good in my life. This isn't true. I love the fact that I can finally and genuinely feel safe. The hyper-vigilance of PTSD is still pretty active especially around people I don't know but now I can tell myself that I am truly safe. I have a family now that would protect me if they needed to. I can rest at night (pretty well) knowing that my nightmares can't hurt me and they aren't as bad as they once were. I love that I can be safe with a few select people and not shut them out because of distrust or fear.

I love that I am loved and wanted. After being abused and abandoned I felt objectified and unwanted. Now though I am expected at family functions and have been told how loved and wanted I actually am.

I love how I can create the life that I want without the fear of being abused again. No longer do I live in fear but I can now live each day as I choose. If I relapse I can show myself grace and love. If I have a healing day then I can celebrate it. I love how I can express myself without fear of retribution. I can be open and honest with myself and others and have my experiences and emotions validated. These might seem like little things so some but they are big things to me.

Just being free from abuse and fear and being able to adjust to life at my own pace means a lot. Like I always say, I am not fully healed but each day I am getting closer to my goal. I may have bad days where I slip up but I also have good days where I can be proud of myself and show myself the love that I always deserved. So I ask you: What do you love about your life? I won't tell you to think positive because I know that toxic positivity can be hurtful. I will tell you to celebrate your life and your accomplishments. You deserve it. Just as I do. I am so glad that I chose this prompt because now I feel more positive and happier compared to earlier. I hope this post inspires someone today. Blessings to you all.

#PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #Hope #Healing #Writing #Love #Life

We allow people residency in our hearts and minds. Sometimes in life we have people who are more like squatters there.
But they are there because we, the landlords, have allowed them to take up room in our heart and mind. We focus on the hurt/offense. We are the landlord, only we can allow them there.
We must renew our hearts and minds. Let go of any/all hurt, offense and choose to forgive.
May they occupy our hearts and minds with a renewed mindset and love in our hearts. Choose healing. Choose freedom. Choose forgiveness.
Live in the gift of the present.

#IntrusiveThoughts #Anxiety #Forgiveness #Healing

I know this seems like a lot but I just would like some input on the subject. I am working on this in therapy and outside of therapy but it gets overwhelming. Any response is appreciated.

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Healing #help

I am allowed to take with me the good times too ❤️ They are a part of my experience as well….and have shaped who i am today. I don’t need to feel shame or self-anger for reflecting on the good times i had with them. i can take the good with the bad & use it in my story as well.

Romans 5:3-5: “because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”

#CPTSD #PTSD #Healing #Recovery #Forgiveness #selfforgiveness #growth #strength #character #Hope #perseverance #godseesyou

People have told me time and time again that I am too critical of myself and too judgmental. The crux of the problem is that I know this, that my internal dialogue is very negative. I suppose that came from being abused. Whatever the case, I am tired of being this way and want to stop. Another problem is that I then become too judgmental of myself and others in the situation that have hurt me. In therapy I asked the group what I should do about this and they all said that I should learn to accept the past for my own peace. But how do I do that? I am a religious person and believe that acceptance and forgiveness are possible but I struggle with this a lot.

I have written many letters of forgiveness to those that hurt me but always discarded them. I don't feel that they are genuine enough. Then a group member suggested that I apologize to myself not blame myself. I could try that. But things always come full circle and I end up getting down on myself by using what my therapist call "should language". For example: They should be sorry. They should apologize. However I know that will most likely never happen. So what do I do?

I want to show myself patience and grace like I need to but I often return to that negative internal dialogue. I'm just so tired of doing this that somedays I just think about giving up. Any help would be appreciated.

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #PTSD

I've heard it all, they're your family you need to love them. They're your family, they don't mean it. On and on it goes. Unless you've come from a toxic family like myself I feel like people won't understand. It took me a long time to label my experiences as abuse and I guess this was because I kept comparing my experiences to that of others. My experiences with abuse weren't particularly violent so I didn't think I was abused. Now I know that I was, just because I was never hit doesn't mean that I was not abused. Words are just as damaging as physical abuse and I know firsthand the impact of cruel words. It took me a while to label the emotional abuse as emotional abuse. Some of the consequences I live with include PTSD, trouble understanding and regulating my emotions, trouble opening up, trouble trusting and trouble relating to others that weren't abused.

I'm trying really hard to heal those aspects of myself but the anger I feel at having been emotionally abused doesn't compare to the shame I feel from being sexually abused and sexually assaulted. Sometimes I drown in the shame. Because it was family that abused me, I bristle when asked about my family. Why don't you talk to them? Why don't you see them? I don't feel like getting into it so I just say it's complicated. Yet people want details. Bringing up family brings up painful memories and feelings.

I recently came to the realization that they are truly bad people. Doesn't matter who they are. This realization breaks my heart and I cried so much after learning that. I don't miss them and what they did but I do struggle with wishing things were different. I have been in therapy for 3 years and have accomplished a lot but I still have a long way to go. So please respect my desire to not talk about them. That's all I ask. And yet people don't get it. No, I don't love them anymore and no I don't want to see them. I need my space to heal and grow. That's what I need right now.

#SexualAbuse #SexualAssault #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Family #Healing

Ever have a day where you're just not sure anymore when someone ask you how you are? That's where I'm at right now. There are days where I feel everything, something and nothing. I guess today is one of those unfeeling days. Regardless, I still have to try to piece my life back together after it was so viciously ripped apart by abuse and abandonment. Over the course of the past 4 years I have learned a great deal and I'm still learning. However I can't shake the idea that maybe I will never fully move on from my trauma.

I know I asked about moving on from the past but I wonder if I put some of the pieces together then maybe I can move on. I don't have a lot of the pieces but I can find new ones and create a new a picture. Each day I strive to make new memories with my family(a family that cares about and believes in me). Somedays it seems like none of the pieces fit together and I have to keep starting over but that's okay. I'm not sure how to piece everything together and I know I shouldn't rush it but somedays I want to be fully healed.

I am planning a trip at the end of the year to return to a place I loved going to. I am hoping by doing that to overcome my fear of being triggered in public and maybe I can create a new memory of that place with new people. Maybe this trip will help me to put some of the pieces together. I may never know why I was abused or what made them do that, or why I was abandoned. What I do know is that none of that was my fault. Just like anyone else that has been abused in some way. It wasn't your fault and I believe you. Trust me I know how much being believed can help.

Just by going on a healing journey(whatever that looks like for you) can help put the pieces of life's puzzle together. You might not have all the pieces but you can get new ones. You may have days where you need to start over and that is okay too. I have my days where I just cry thinking about what happened and my PTSD gets triggered. That's okay. If that happens to you, it's okay.

You may have days like mine where you don't know what you're feeling. That's okay. Do whatever you can to heal and live the life you deserve. Get help if need be. If you struggle with self harm and suicidal thoughts, please reach out immediately. Your life matters. As does mine. I've been there too, hospitalized for self harm and a suicide attempt. So trust me, I understand. You are not alone in any of this. I believe you and believe in you. You too can create a beautiful picture out of the pieces you have. Anything is possible. You got this, you are a warrior! Just like me.

Peace and light.

-Anastasia

#abusesurvivor #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #BipolarDisorder #PTSD #Borderline #Hope #Healing