When healing did you ever start looking at your past and seeing a bunch of bad stuff about yourself in it?
The therapists keep kicking me out and it literally makes me want to kill myself every time they do—they typically aren’t very kind while they do it. I’m seeing one now but don’t do trauma work with him and don’t plan to.
So I’m kind of in this on my own. And to be honest people on this app never really respond anymore either so I don’t know if this is even worth it but I’m desperate right now.
I’ve done different levels of healing and am usually pretty good at understanding the things that influenced me to act in less than desirable ways as well as the strengths that my trauma have developed or brought out in me.
But lately all I see is all the embarrassing misunderstandings or horrible things I’ve done in my past and it’s like my history is rewriting itself to blame me for everything in my head and to question if I was really the problem and didn’t realize it and if everything really happened the way I always thought it did.
I know healing can be ugly sometimes and often involves acknowledging your own blame and role on the situation. But I can’t tell if that’s what this is or if it’s me seeing things more clearly or if I’m attacking myself for no reason.
My hope is this is a stage of healing that will give way to a more balanced view of what I’ve done wrong and what has been done wrong to me. But I just feel like garbage and like maybe everything was my fault.
Is this a part of healing that will eventually lift? Or is this something else? Has anyone else experienced this?