healing

Just wanted to get this dice rolling! How has your day been? :)) #Christian #Healing #Jesus

I love that my cat will sleep at the end of the bed snuggled into my leg or foot. It's the little things that make life wonderful. What's your little thing?

So about 3 months ago I made the decision to leave my marriage of 24 years to my narcissist husband. It took 4 years to get me to this point. I was stuck in my own addiction to numb the pain of feelings and emotions. I was miserable in my marriage but we both didn't believe in divorce and definitely my mom would not be happy should that happen. I was so busy making others happy I forgot who I was and what I wanted in life. When I decided to stop abusing opiates I knew that this marriage would end. There could be no way I would be clean and allow him to treat me the way he treats me. I got into therapy for trauma and I got a support system in a 12 step fellowship.
Last year a friend that I was getting close to pulled me aside and said that I was being abused especially when things got physical. She drove me to a domestic violence location that helps people that are in abusive relationships. Their I sat talking to a woman telling her what I was going through. I mean tears streaming down my cheeks, scared, afraid, and not sure where to turn this woman said to me gently that I am being abused. That my husband was a narcissist. WOW. My world changed that day. I went home looking into this word narcissisism and it has changed my life. My soon to be ex was exactly that type of person they were describing. It was the feeling of not being so alone. That others were going through what I was going through. He already made me think I was crazy and I was even diagnosed with Bipolar which at this time I am being rediagnosed to make sure it isn't PTSD. That one word narcissisism changed everything. I started to take domestic violence classes. I got support from friends and started to open up a little about what I was going through. Everybody said get your stuff together and leave.
Here I am 4 years later and I am standing on my own two feet. I went back to school to become a peer advocate and recovery coach. I started to save money for when I would move out. I got some advice from a lawyer and even got some additional support on an online group that deals with narcissisism.
Well I made the move. Found an apartment that isn't to far from my adult kids and my puppy that my husband bought me last year for our anniversary. Yeah he would buy me things to keep me to stay with him and one was a toy Yorkie that I named Sunshine ☀️.
It's been 3 months. I am still having issues with trust and feelings safe. I am not sleeping through the night still and I am still jumpy when I hear noises. However for the most part I am doing ok.
He did serve me with divorce papers which I knew he would. To think that I would be the one to tell him how things were going to go or even better me neglecting him and leaving was a big blow to his ego.
Today he is still stalking me with a tracker. I found one about 2 months ago. He has the ability to talk my phone as he is the person on the account which gives him permission to see my exact location and gives him access to my emails, phone calls etc. He is a bitter, sad person however today thats not my problem anymore. I made it out and I'm alive! I know I will be ok. It might take a long time to heal. Maybe the rest of my life however I get to have a life today. I can hear the birds chirping today. I'm happier than I have ever been. Thanks to friends, family, support networks, therapy, this website and other websites, and the domestic violence place. Today I am healing. #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #Healing #Trauma #Addiction #MentalHealth

#CPTSD #Abuse #DBT #Relationships #Healing (TW:SI&Abuse)

Mother's Day is a bittersweet day for me. I am the luckiest mom in the world to the most incredible human. I'm amazed that this tiny person has blossomed into a young lady challenging the world. It's like looking in a mirror, and it makes my heart happy to her creativity, thoughtfulness and loving and caring soul. You'd be proud. The reason she's turning into that person a for very different reasons than I did. Here are the things I am willing to thank you for in teaching me how to parent, but for what most adults would.

I swore I was never getting married or having children. I never wanted to end up with a broken life, and a child from a broken home. Fast forward to that's where I am since you've passed. The 5 month period of death of the step-monster, grandmother, then you and the falling apart of the family left me holding a big bag of grief that my partner didn't want to be a part of.

There were some happy memories, overshadowed by the abuse I had to learn to live my life around. To keep safe. There's many years still blocked out, but the layers uncovered are the most painful.

I was just like you, despite how many times you told me you hated me because I was exactly like my father. You brainwashed all 3 of us children about what an evil man he was. I swore to never speak ill of my child's father, and I stand by that despite how difficult it can be. I've now lived in your shoes, struggled without child support and making ends meet due to co-parent's bad choices.

When my daughter was the age I was when the sexual abuse was happening right in front of you, and you did nothing. You blamed me for the rest of your life up until the end that I was the cause of all your misery. Shipping me off to live with my grandparents for that short time was the only good memories from childhood. Until cancer took them both and I had no choice but to return to you.

How you instilled hatred of me to my siblings was something that looking back on it now, they knew not what they did. When I came to you for help when Grandpa was terminal, I was so scared losing the only person I had in my life to protect me from you. He was the only one who would stop the beatings once we were living with him after Grandma passed.

When you encouraged me me to suicide because it would make your life easier, that was something that will forever be with me. You beat me so often because of your undiagnosed mental illness that the coping mechanisms I had to learn early, I've had to unlearn as an adult.

The bruises healed, the bloody injuries gone, but I'm still trying to unwrap my sense of worth because of your venom. Seeing friends Mother's Day posts on social media is too much as I didn't have the same experiences that most do.

What you did teach me are all the things NOT to do in raising my little Mini Me. Her feelings matter, her opinions matter and I'll always take the time to listen.

She's the only thing I'm able to invest myself in outside of my job. I can't keep relationships, despite my stabs at therapy because there are a lot of broken people out there. Because of the Generational Trauma that stopped with me I can give her tools for her toolkit vs bruises and excuses.

Your son is just like you, and I hope that you can see the mess his family is. Multiple charges of domestic abuse, children he isn't allowed to see, and a wife living in a shelter. Both beautiful granddaughters of yours living in a group home because I was unable to take them in. That broke my heart dealing with CAS retelling stories of what the abuse looked like, so they could understand how to deal with him and reluctance to change. Or seek help that isn't alcoholism.

Everything fell apart when my sister passed. You being sick the same time was devastating to me. But you were more concerned about yourself. She was terminal, but you were struggling with your disease progression, so I understand now the way you acted crazy. Your nephew turned out amazing despite his rough start losing his mom as a toddler. That's the other reason this day hurts because the day she passed was the day before your birthday. And a week before Mother's Day.

You've taught me the mother not to be, so I thank you for that. You apologized the best way a narcissist knows how near the end so I've had to interpret it the best I can through therapy.

My daughter is awesome, you'd be proud someone broke the cycle. Happy Mother's Day to any readers who also struggle this day. This Mama tries her best to remember that I'm a great mom, even on days when I feel I'm not. We don't have to repeat what was taught to us. The day you passed was the first day I finally felt healing begin, though it's been a decade I've still got a way to go.

But I forgive you. I'm a survivor.

“If our primary perception of ourselves is as people who can see, here, or walk — over those who can’t do those things — the sin of stereotyping and excluding remains prevalent. According to Jesus, those who think of themselves as “able-bodied“ may be in more need of healing than those who are disabled… Figurative or not, the fact that a disabled person makes 2/3 of us uncomfortable exposes the need for deeper healing. Instead of dismissing those statements as merely figurative, we should consider how to embrace disability as a mark of greater understanding about God. Disability acts as a method for revealing the living God to the community, not something that always needs to be prayed away to showcase God‘s power.”

— Dr. Amy Kenny in ‘My Body Is Not A Prayer Request’

#Prayer #Disabled #Healing

To anyone whom becomes close to me:

I need you to understand, that sometimes I may seem difficult. My traumatic experiences in life have done a number on me! Who I am today, is not who I used to be or even want to be. My feelings are easily hurt. I have a hard time with trust, I put up a wall whenever I feel slightly unsure about someone. Sometimes I fight to get out of bed. I am trying to adjust to living life without my kids close to me…and most days I struggle with understanding who I even am anymore! If you take the time to get to know me, I’m fun, loving and sarcastic! Nothing makes me happier than knowing I’ve made a difference in someone else’s day. I love wholeheartedly and firmly believe in second chances. I need honesty, I need reassurance of your intentions with me. I might even seem needy at times. If I go silent, it because I’m extremely hurt or unsure about something. I like to isolate at times but others I am too socialable. I have been known to cry easily, especially reminders of my losses. I absolutely hate that when I get angry I start to cry…. that embarrasses me! I feel it shows weakness. I need to find myself again, I crave stability and don't care to keep people around who cannot accept me for all that I am. Wishy-washy relationships only further harm my healing. I need people around me who are willing help me grow. That’s me a work in progress.#Healing #Trauma #PTSD #Anxiety