RockBottom

Please tell me there are more people that have experienced this because I feel like I'm getting insane...

I'm anxiously attached, but living a good life with my boyfriend. 6,5 years relationship, dealing with my anxiety and other issues as well, so no great intimate life - but still happy together, buying a house, talking about the future and kids.

Then I got ill. Burnout - but the kind where both anxiety and physical issues were extreme. And later I got also diagnosed with long covid, ánd I got an ADHD diagnosis.

So it was hard, my boyfriend didn't really know how to cope, but I got better and better because I finally found a therapy that helped - until I had a total relapse due to circumstances. And then he lost faith. He was about to turn 30 when he told me he had serious doubts about our future, if I wouldn't relapse when we had kids, it didn't feel like a love relationship anymore.

My body completely spiraled. I asked him through a letter to either stay, find an emotional outlet, and be a team - or go, because the inbetween made my body feel like it was in mortal danger. He said he stayed.

But his words didn't match his actions. I became hypervigilant, which means completely focused on his mood, and in the meantime he got more depleted, more stressed, more injuries, sick more often, and didn't feel like doing stuff anymore. His words said yes but his body said no and without wanting it, my whole focus shifted from "wanting to get better" to "wanting to get better to not lose him". It was the only thing that drove me, literally. I tried everything I could to learn how to feel safe within myself but my nervous system refused.

And then 8 weeks ago he broke up with me. And I've never felt this awful. Dreadful. Terrified. Unsafe. Overwhelmed. With nothing to live for, because the only thing I lived for - our future together - is gone.

I don't know how to cope. I've learned so much in therapy but I'm só low that I cannot apply anything. After 8 weeks I still feel like I'm dying. Please tell me I'm not the only one dealing with something similar - and please tell me that it actually gets better.

Because I'm exhausted. I fought for my health, my mental state and my relationship every single day for 2,5 years. And it got me rock bottom.

#RockBottom #breakup #Hypervigilance #Anxiety #anxious #relationship #ChronicIllness #longcovid #Burnout #ADHD #illness #Burnout #lowselfesteem