I thought I could hold on.
Grief has hit me in many different ways today. Grief for a community I lost. Grief for my grandma who died in 2019. And grief for the person I used to be and will never be again due to an illness many act like I'm faking, it's in my head, or just downright condescending.
My mom texted again to say goodnight. I have not replied. It was a stupid Bitmoji again. It hurts like hell seeing it. My heart feels stomped on.
On top of the emotional pain, the physical pain keeps getting worse daily. It was a little better yesterday and I had hope, a tiny bit of light at the end of tunnel, it was swiftly put out. I was stupid to have hope. Abled body people do not get what it's like to start to have a tiny bit of hope that you're body is going to behave, not be your fucking prison, then it get snatched away. I'm losing hope and I think I should just forget about getting better. I'm back in darkness. I can't be positive or find a silver lining right now. Not with this. I can't even joke about it anymore. It's hell. It's literal hell.
I long to do things and go places. I want to go to the library, I want to go downtown to the library next month for events and things, do pride in June, do the comic con, do things. The harsh reality? I probably won't be able to. I need to accept it. The problem with accepting this is it makes not want to live. This isn't living. This is hell. I hate my body with a fucking passion. It betrayed me more than anyone has in my honest opinion and it's my own fucking body. My mind has betrayed me too. I don't know how to live like this.
How do you fight your own body and mind when you're trapped with it 24/7?
#CheckInWithMe #chonicpain #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #ChronicIllness #Fibromyalgia #CFS #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #ChronicFatigue #CPTSD #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Autistic #Autism #Anxiety #ChronicAnxiety #PanicDisorder #ADHD