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I thought I could hold on.

Grief has hit me in many different ways today. Grief for a community I lost. Grief for my grandma who died in 2019. And grief for the person I used to be and will never be again due to an illness many act like I'm faking, it's in my head, or just downright condescending.
My mom texted again to say goodnight. I have not replied. It was a stupid Bitmoji again. It hurts like hell seeing it. My heart feels stomped on.
On top of the emotional pain, the physical pain keeps getting worse daily. It was a little better yesterday and I had hope, a tiny bit of light at the end of tunnel, it was swiftly put out. I was stupid to have hope. Abled body people do not get what it's like to start to have a tiny bit of hope that you're body is going to behave, not be your fucking prison, then it get snatched away. I'm losing hope and I think I should just forget about getting better. I'm back in darkness. I can't be positive or find a silver lining right now. Not with this. I can't even joke about it anymore. It's hell. It's literal hell.
I long to do things and go places. I want to go to the library, I want to go downtown to the library next month for events and things, do pride in June, do the comic con, do things. The harsh reality? I probably won't be able to. I need to accept it. The problem with accepting this is it makes not want to live. This isn't living. This is hell. I hate my body with a fucking passion. It betrayed me more than anyone has in my honest opinion and it's my own fucking body. My mind has betrayed me too. I don't know how to live like this.

How do you fight your own body and mind when you're trapped with it 24/7?

#CheckInWithMe #chonicpain #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #ChronicIllness #Fibromyalgia #CFS #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #ChronicFatigue #CPTSD #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Autistic #Autism #Anxiety #ChronicAnxiety #PanicDisorder #ADHD

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Total shutdown #Depression #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #RockBottom #Fear #chonicpain #moodswings #MentalHealth

I haven't posted anything for a long time. I've been struggling with extreme anxiety mixed with depression for more than a decade.
Today I feel like I've hit rock bottom. No meds help, though I've been taking them dilogently for years under medical supervision. In therapy I finally realised that I'm unable to regulate my emotions due to childhood trauma that never even occured to me before but it is spot on. So now I'm in my bed with severe back pain, gastrointestinal issues i complete freeze state. Crying since yesterday, feeling guilty for not being able to overcome my limitations, falling back to old patterns and symptoms. So ashamed. My family deserves better, the guilt is eating me up. I have no idea how I could go to work and be functional tomorrow. Everything is painful. I'm shaking and shivering covered in my bed and don't know how to go on. My mind perfectly understands this situation but the body says no, freezes and shuts down. I'm an emotional wreck.
Sorry for this rant but I need to vent and hear your experiences.
Thx for reading my post.


Still new to this

Can't stop pushing my self far beyond my limits. Still trying to express my thoughts & this has been a safe place so far. Idk, I guess its Thursday. I was up all night Monday, slept on Tuesday, since I was so exhausted. Up all night again due too pain. I Pushed myself so far pastvany limit. I don't know know what to say. If I go into it I feel like I'm complaining. I did what had ro be done. All I know is i can't get my increased pain through to my Dr's. Idk i guess thats just how it is#chonicpain #Migraine #Isolation

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Last night we went for a midnight drive and I was looking at our city lights and thinking of this group!!
We are all facing some sort of darkness, so we are all in it together and each dot of light is a member of this group supporting one another. We are each others light and just look how bright and beautiful our kindness can be!

#Fibromyalgia #ChronicIllness #chonicpain #ChronicFatigue #MentalHealth #Depression

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This is 40!!

Chronic pain, dizziness, nausea and numbness will not keep me from making memories and celebrating this milestone. #MdDS #TOS #chonicpain #celebratenotisolate #thisis40

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If you suffer from daily chronic pain and do not use any form of prescribed medication, would you help me by participating on a short survey ?

I am writing a book “Joy in the Midst of Pain” about the different non-prescription methods some of us are using to cope with pain. So I would like to ask anyone in this group who suffers from daily chronic pain (of any form) and do not use any form of prescribed medication (does not include the occasional Advil, Tylenol etc) to help me by participating on a short survey questionnaire. Please note all participants will remain anonymous. If you or someone you know would be interested in being part of this book, or have questions, please contact me via message. I believe this book could be very helpful to many of us who suffer from pain or know someone who does. Thank you in advance for your willingness to be part of my book. #SpinalStenosis #chonicpain #SpinalFusion #SpinalSurgery #BackPain #Pain


is it really that bad if my son needs a nap and my wife or my dad drive him to sleep if I try and put him down and he won’t go to sleep after 45 mins?

I’m exhausted have no chest expansion and can’t sing. my wife works and come home my son refuses his nap so she drives him to sleep is this really such a bad thing? my mother seems to thinks it’s atrocious! #chonicpain