moodswings

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Advice on moving forward from an online connection? *PLEASE READ :)

This happened about 3 years ago now. The peak of Covid. I was going through a media craze and experienced so much toxic behavior from people I’ve spoken to. Suddenly I talk to this great guy from the UK and while things were going pretty fine, I was still so overcome and traumatized from other connections and even more so with a particular guy from Ohio ( I was emotionally manipulated and also love bombed *yikes*) and to put it lightly I’m a very deep emotional person, so I was going through deep waters. I just had a random urge to squash the relationship by insulting his looks and saying crazy obscene things to the point of him being completely offended and ‘shouting’ obscenities towards me in defense. But I guess I deserved it. He ended up blocking me with much hesitation though I tried apologizing and he wouldn’t buy it. With needless to say, that was our end. But now I realize that he was the only one who actually cared and wanted to get to know me deep down. And I find myself missing him and our. I messed up. It’s an awful feeling. I gave up the apps as a whole but now it feels like I’m waiting for a connection that might never come. But I still have hope. #MentalHealth #checkin #Depression #Anxiety #Relationships #Opinion #ADHD #Guilt #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #OCDTest #SuicidalThoughts #selfsabotage #lowselfesteem #SleepDisorders #Insomnia #moodswings #PMS #ChronicFatigue #Hope

4 reactions 1 comment
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I don’t think I can ever like myself #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Fragmented #Selfblame #ChronicDepression #givingup

The whole last week I wanted to recover so bad.
Today when I woke up, I had motivation.
Then my bpd kicked in and I don’t want this life anymore. I just want to end. To fade away.
Why should I live the way I live if it’s not the life I want?
But I can’t change anything. I have to wait until the shittiest parts are over.

But I’m so tired of waiting, tired of trying, tired of understanding everyone. Tired of being kind, tired of being nice to me. It’s exhausting. I’m so used to treat myself like shit, that my brain thinks that I can’t allow myself to love me.

I just can’t.

My whole life I was told to just shut up, work and be a doll for my parents.
Now I live alone in my own apartment and have a girlfriend. She helps me a lot, but there are still days and weeks where I feel alone or unwanted.
Sometimes I trigger myself without knowing, and after that I have to put myself together; although I did it to myself.
I’m tired of sticking my parts together, because I don’t know how many glue is left.

I don’t know, honestly. Sometimes I feel good and happy, but the most time I’m sad and angry because everyone failed and hurt me.
I’m angry at my parents, I’m angry at the world.

I just want a better life. Please God, hear me.
Please heal my wound.

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #bps #moodswings #SuicidalThoughts #anger

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Swing

Swing

Flying through the wind

Curling your legs underneath you

Swing

Head tilted back

Laughing because it’s uphill

Swing

Scraping feet against gravel

Trying to slow the up and down

Swing

Feet hitting the ground

But you can’t even rise from the

Swing

---

Depression and mania

Swings in the middle of the night

It’s creative outbursts

Suicide whispers

The dancing in the living room

Naps throughout the day

But when night hits

Once again

The grinning demon

Swings

#innerchild #Bipolar #Poetry #poems #Trauma #moodswings

2 comments
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Total shutdown #Depression #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #RockBottom #Fear #chonicpain #moodswings #MentalHealth

I haven't posted anything for a long time. I've been struggling with extreme anxiety mixed with depression for more than a decade.
Today I feel like I've hit rock bottom. No meds help, though I've been taking them dilogently for years under medical supervision. In therapy I finally realised that I'm unable to regulate my emotions due to childhood trauma that never even occured to me before but it is spot on. So now I'm in my bed with severe back pain, gastrointestinal issues i complete freeze state. Crying since yesterday, feeling guilty for not being able to overcome my limitations, falling back to old patterns and symptoms. So ashamed. My family deserves better, the guilt is eating me up. I have no idea how I could go to work and be functional tomorrow. Everything is painful. I'm shaking and shivering covered in my bed and don't know how to go on. My mind perfectly understands this situation but the body says no, freezes and shuts down. I'm an emotional wreck.
Sorry for this rant but I need to vent and hear your experiences.
Thx for reading my post.

12 comments
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Bpd mood

It amazes me how quick my mood changes. One minute I’m fine and something minor happens and boom. I shut down. My emotions are on fire. I close the curtains and lay in bed. I’m starting a workbook for dbt with my therapist. I pray this helps me. #moodswings #Bpdsucks #ImOverThisShit #MentalHealthTakesNoHolidays

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That Borderline Life

Me: I have BPD and CPTSD

Others: that’s fine.

Others after a dramatic emotion from me: what’s you’re problem!?

Me: you don’t listen! 🙄

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #CPTSD #moodswings #Abuse #Trauma

3 comments
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Emotional roller coaster #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #emotionalchaos #EmotionalRollercoaster #moodswings

Yesterday was horrible. I was trapped in my head, seeing only darkness and despair. Today I see clearly again, with clouds, but clearly and without problems. But it can't go on like this forever. Either good or bad. It's so exhausting to have to endure this emotional roller coaster every day.
Black or white. No gray. I hate it.

#BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

10 comments
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#lost #Bipolar #moodswings #help

I feel no understands what I go through every day just to pretend I’m normal. I have a lot of stuff going on in my life and I don’t know how to cope

5 comments
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What do you do when your usual coping methods/ mood boaters don’t work? #Anxiety #Depression #moodswings

I used to play video games or write or read and now none of those help like they used to.