SAH

It has been over two years now.Maybe three.A year of misdiagnosis and a year of splitting.I am now starting group.im doing too much.I have few moments of non-intrusive thoughts Physically,Im hanging in there.The headaches are more direct and lingering,my balance is off.Ive been driving but it is difficult to keep focus for long.I feel like I should be further along mentally.As if I'm going to snap back.I still have too much to unpack.I feel this never ending doom.A defeat.Last week I was running on adrenaline and hope.I know I have the power to create my own thoughts.My mind is too tired.I tired.im already pretending I'm good so others can move on.im certain he believes its going to go back to the way it was and it can not.I am missing the way it used to be,I suppose.Then I realize, that was four years ago.I don't know what happened after a certain point.There was a breaking point and I cant remember it,still.Im afraid I will always be trying to remember.it is suffocating and lonely.

I began treatment for my ptsd.I am not liking this way of therapy.in front of strangers.I don't feel right being there.I have a background in behavior.I am too analytical,why I'm in therapy to begin with.I am to the point of no trust again.The doctors put me in a position where I cant leave the therapy.They lie constantly.Im tired of it.My life is surrounded by lies.My so called friends,was 2, now down to one,my son,my husband.All because they say I won't accept it or I will be too sensitive.I won't break.I'll move on as I always have.How hard is that to get.I'm exhausted with the withholding of information.That is the new munipulation for lies.If Im not told...then it is not a lie.im the same person I was before getting sick.This time though,I know the difference between a blatant lie and passively avoiding.If you want to be in my life,do not lie to me.I know.I feel it.I feel all of it,near or far.That always scared me and half my anxiety.The phyical feeling of being mistreated.How sick I feel,my whole life when being lied to,used and munipulated.I can explain to them how it effects me,It doesn't stop.