SearchingForPeace

*I did something stupid last night, and now I can’t get out of this shame spiral. I wrote down these words:

This pain in my gut, this noise in my head
Keeps telling me that I’m better off dead.
The shame that’s within keeps eating at me,
I can see only one way for me to be free.

I want to change and become someone better;
But as hard as I try, I can’t break this fetter.
It keeps me shackled to this burden of hate
From all my past doings; I need a clean slate.

Perhaps if I care, perhaps if I try?
Perhaps if I don’t, perhaps if I die?
Is that what it takes to shake off these pains?
To make myself clean, to remove all these stains?

I don’t deserve mercy. I don’t deserve grace.
I don’t deserve peace when I look at this face.
But I can’t help but wonder while looking at me
Is this the best version that I’ll ever be?

Help me someone; I can’t do it alone.
Believe it or not, I’m not made of stone.
Take them away, all these feelings inside.
I don’t know how; believe me I’ve tried.

I do want to be more. I just don’t know what.
When this spiral of shame lives in my gut.
Maybe you can tell me, or better yet show
A different path that might help me know:

I do deserve better. I am not my shame.
I am not my actions. I am not my name.
I am a person with demons, but a person indeed.
A person who finally deserves to be freed.