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Freedom- a poem #Shame #selfhatred #SearchingForPeace

*I did something stupid last night, and now I can’t get out of this shame spiral. I wrote down these words:

This pain in my gut, this noise in my head
Keeps telling me that I’m better off dead.
The shame that’s within keeps eating at me,
I can see only one way for me to be free.

I want to change and become someone better;
But as hard as I try, I can’t break this fetter.
It keeps me shackled to this burden of hate
From all my past doings; I need a clean slate.

Perhaps if I care, perhaps if I try?
Perhaps if I don’t, perhaps if I die?
Is that what it takes to shake off these pains?
To make myself clean, to remove all these stains?

I don’t deserve mercy. I don’t deserve grace.
I don’t deserve peace when I look at this face.
But I can’t help but wonder while looking at me
Is this the best version that I’ll ever be?

Help me someone; I can’t do it alone.
Believe it or not, I’m not made of stone.
Take them away, all these feelings inside.
I don’t know how; believe me I’ve tried.

I do want to be more. I just don’t know what.
When this spiral of shame lives in my gut.
Maybe you can tell me, or better yet show
A different path that might help me know:

I do deserve better. I am not my shame.
I am not my actions. I am not my name.
I am a person with demons, but a person indeed.
A person who finally deserves to be freed.

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Sat in the canteen on my lunch break at work.. Quiet, watching a tv show on my phone.. The peace of people talking to me is bliss. Then it begins.. My heart starts racing, like it’s about to burst out of my chest. It slows.. And leaves me with palpitations! Why me? Why now? When will I ever get some relief from all the crap that comes with depression & anxiety. Tired now. Exhausted. Just want it to stop.
#Depression #palpitations #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #SearchingForPeace