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Hhmmm… #Depression #PTSD #Grief #Trauma #Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #selfhatred

Morning Ruminating DISTRACTION

I’m not sure if any of my mighty friends have ever disliked there name, especially when you were younger…or anytime. I know I always wanted to change my name. Maybe it was to feel more confident, or to feel like another person? Did you ever feel like this?

29 reactions 11 comments

Telling myself “I am loved” feels so foreign and my mind won’t stop negating it with “Yeah right stop lying”#selfhatred

29 reactions 10 comments

Emotional Reactivity/Self-Hatred

I hate reacting so strongly to stupid things. I want to stop because it just adds to the list of reasons why I hate myself. How do I stop this before it's too late? The emotional reactivity I mean. I know part of it is BPD but I feel like part of it is me. I can't list any reasons as to why I hate myself but I guess my emotional reactivity is one reason.

#selfhatred #BPD #Emotions #Relationships

2 reactions 6 comments

Doubting my abuse

Hi all,
This is my first post. More looking for someone who can relate and give me some advice. I have bipolar I and I’m crashing down from an extended manic episode where I was convinced that the diagnosis was wrong so I started going off my meds. During those “manic months” I wrote a book about the abuse I’ve endured and made a lot of progress around my childhood abuse with EMDR therapy. As I stabilize, I’m going back to doubting myself and all that I’ve been through. I’m blaming myself for distancing from abusers and telling myself I made it all up. I’m embarrassed by my writing, and I’m struggling with thoughts of suicide.
I have a great team of doctors but they don’t get it. No one can explain why being back on meds makes me doubt that the abuse ever occurred, but I feel like I’m losing my mind and stuck in a cycle of self hatred.
Anyone ever experience anything like this? I also have a diagnosis of ptsd but as I accept the bipolar, I all of a sudden don’t believe the ptsd is real.
Any words of wisdom or just relating in general would be so helpful! Thank you 🤍🤍 #BipolarDisorder #CPTSD #SuicidalThoughts #SelfDoubt #selfhatred #NeedSupport



i never hated to have a plan. except when it have a possible to failed. and idk why i hated this plan inside my head even i know it will succeed when i stick to my plan. #selfhatred #Selfharm #SuicidalThoughts


#Selfharm #SuicidalIdeation

#Selfharm I haven’t hurt myself in a while but the urge is coming back stronger. I feel a mixed bipolar episode coming on and that doesn’t help. Yesterday I put ice on my wrist and drew hearts on myself in an effort to not hurt myself. I am healing from #SexualTrauma and abuse in general. Sometimes I can’t do it anymore. I feel frustrated, hurt, scared and alone. It’s also triggering my #PTSD . It’s putting a strain on my relationship. What can I do? #SuicidalIdeation #selfhatred #Selfharm #TraumaSurvivors


I'm hurting

I am going to counseling for some disturbing things that happened to me when I was younger and in more recent relationships. I opened up about the things that happened but I feel absolutely terrible. All of a sudden, I have every urge to stop eating or to self harm that I used to have in the past. I would reach out to friends, but coincidentally, most of them went out of town for the weekend. I am so tired and in pain. I feel dumb for feeling this way. What happened to me wasn't that bad. I feel weak and pathetic. I feel stupid for even wanting to self-harm as an adult. I'm desperately trying to reach out because I don't want to turn to something unhealthy, so I guess I'm just looking for community? I don't even know.
#Trauma #selfhatred #Selfharm #Depression


Freedom- a poem #Shame #selfhatred #SearchingForPeace

*I did something stupid last night, and now I can’t get out of this shame spiral. I wrote down these words:

This pain in my gut, this noise in my head
Keeps telling me that I’m better off dead.
The shame that’s within keeps eating at me,
I can see only one way for me to be free.

I want to change and become someone better;
But as hard as I try, I can’t break this fetter.
It keeps me shackled to this burden of hate
From all my past doings; I need a clean slate.

Perhaps if I care, perhaps if I try?
Perhaps if I don’t, perhaps if I die?
Is that what it takes to shake off these pains?
To make myself clean, to remove all these stains?

I don’t deserve mercy. I don’t deserve grace.
I don’t deserve peace when I look at this face.
But I can’t help but wonder while looking at me
Is this the best version that I’ll ever be?

Help me someone; I can’t do it alone.
Believe it or not, I’m not made of stone.
Take them away, all these feelings inside.
I don’t know how; believe me I’ve tried.

I do want to be more. I just don’t know what.
When this spiral of shame lives in my gut.
Maybe you can tell me, or better yet show
A different path that might help me know:

I do deserve better. I am not my shame.
I am not my actions. I am not my name.
I am a person with demons, but a person indeed.
A person who finally deserves to be freed.

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What kind of SLIME would take advantage of a desperate homeless person

I paid $75 to buy this Gold necklace believing it was real and a good deal. It has 18k stamped on it, I took it to the gold dealer and was told it was junk. If it’s too good to be true it probably isn’t. I should have been smart about it but I was desperate to check it out better. Why people do things like this? seems like everyone is a scam anymore. Just another reason why I have no friends and no money. Who can you truly trust these days? Life is a lemon and I want my money back. #Depression #desperation #SocialAnxiety #trustissue #selfhatred #Bipolor #gettingused #selfesteemissues


Am I overreacting?

Hey, guys. Today, while I was on my way to therapy, something terrible happened. We feed stray cats outside of my house, and they sometimes get in our cars. Usually if they do, we hear them and can get them out, but that didn’t happen today. I was driving through the neighborhood and I felt a little bump. I don’t want to give you too many details, but I was mortified. To see such an innocent kitten like that, knowing it was my fault- I can’t live with myself. My entire life I’ve loved animals more than anything, and this is like one of my greatest fears come to life. Every time I close my eyes, I see it. I’m a monster- I’m so ashamed. I can’t stop seeing it, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve lost count of how long I’ve been breaking down. Please help me. I don’t have anyone else to talk to. #Guilt #Shame #SuicidalThoughts #selfhatred #Depression