selfhatred

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I AM Worthy?

The first thing I noticed, as I was entering the Group is the Group Logo which as I read it says "I AM WORTHY" and I cried, because I have no Worth. It isn't as Simple as a Depression Label; and Self-Loathing is such a Mild Description... My Reality and Core Beliefs were altered by abuse, beatings and repeated rapes by a so-called Family Member... I am NOT using this as an Excuse to be a Jerk. But my Go-To Self-Defense Mechanism is to shut down, and I know in my Core that I am unworthy and undeserving of Love, and most days I lack anything resembling Compassion... I am so wrapped up in my own Trauma and Drama that I am darn near oblivious to the sufferings of other family members, and as such I am NOT someone that they come to... and because of my Explosive and Aggressive behaviors when I feel threatened or intimidated, I am NOT Trusted by my Family. either... Medication and Counselling have netted NO Positive Results, so I do not know what to do... and I was searching the Internet for answers, when I found The Mighty... I guess maybe I hoped to find a Kindred Spirit who could understand what it is like to literally Battle one's own mind DAILY and to keep lying to myself and trying to believe that one day, I will be ok...

Please forgive my Brutal Honesty, and Thanks for allowing me to be here.

#ADHD #Anxiety #AutismSpectrum #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder #PTSD #selfhatred

30 reactions 12 comments
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Self Hatred

I was raised in a very abusive home. My sister and I were taken away from our Mom for a period of Time, when I was only 4. We were made Ward of the State, and custody of us was given to my Alcoholic Grandfather, who incidentally beat me with a Willow switch because I knocked the Toilet Paper into the Toilet. I was unable to attend school the next couple days, for the markings on my arms and legs. I had night terrors for decades over that... but Mom eventually won us back from the State and was remarried to a Rage-aholic, almost as mean as my Grandpa Dan. He (our Stepfather), beat both my sister and I pretty regularly. By the time I was 6, I had already been raped by Step-Father's best Friend whom we were to call Uncle... I learned later from my Sister that she had been molested by our Step-father, as well as others...

At 8 years old, I was asking my mother questions about our real Father whom she LIED to us about and carried that Secret to her Grave. A LIE agreed upon by Her, My Aunt Cathy, her Sister, and her Mom, Grandma Pauline (whom My Middle name is from... (Paul). We were told many tales about Who he was...

I was 57, when I learned the Truth. My Sister and I are the Biproduct of an Affair between her and her Step-father, who was married to Grandma at the Time; while Mom was married to the son of a Preacher, but living with a Man THEY ALL SAID, was our 1st STEP FATHER, because in 1965, to be Born as Bastard Children - Or out of Wedlock - was deeply shameful... But, that is in fact, what happened... After confronting my mother about inconsistencies in her stories, she snapped at me one day and told me that I was to have been aborted, that my Sister and I were mistakes and she wished she never had Children. Between that statement, and the Rapes and Beatings, I grew to truly hate my own existence, and developed so dreadful core beliefs, that to THIS DAY, I have not been able to make Peace with...

I am a two time Suicide Survivor... I am only NOW able to look back and feel any Gratitude that I did NOT Die as a result of those attempts... at the time, I only felt like a FAILURE... Deep inside, I know I still am a failure... Self Hatred is the only feeling I really Identify...

I try so hard to do right, and then something happens, and I feel threatened and then I BLOW UP and self sabotage, because I know that I am the Problem. If I could just get rid of ME; everyone else's lives would be so much better... I truly feel I am cursed. My Life has no real meaning, or Value...

I do go to church, but I do not FEEL "Saved"; I don't believe that GOD could love someone like me, and I can't even stand myself... I am in Counseling but, it doesn't seem to be helping. I am on medication but it doesn't do much for me either. When I feel threatened I blow up and then, I feel bad for attacking my so-called "Loved Ones" or "Family." What is truly sad is that I fear abandonment; but I sabotage my relationships because I know I am not worthy of them... My Life has been cursed since before I was born...

I do not know why I came here. I want to find Healing, even if I don't deserve it... I want to find some way to rise above this existence, and life of "Victim Trauma Response," and Narcissistic behavior patterns...

The Hashtags listed below, are all the Mental Health Labels that have been pinned to me since I was 6... I am 59 now, and still at war inside myself between wanting a Healthier Life; and believing I am not worthy of what I want, or need...

Favorite Line from ANY movie: Joaquin Phoenix as Arthur Fleck, AKA "The Joker" [written in his notebook] "The worst part of having a mental illness, is that people expect you to behave as if you don't."

#ADHD #Anxiety #AutismSpectrum #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder #PTSD #selfhatred

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34 reactions 12 comments
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Hhmmm… #Depression #PTSD #Grief #Trauma #Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #selfhatred

Morning Ruminating DISTRACTION

IF YOU HAD TO GIVE YOURSELF A NEW NAME, WHAT WOULD YOU CALL YOURSELF?
I’m not sure if any of my mighty friends have ever disliked there name, especially when you were younger…or anytime. I know I always wanted to change my name. Maybe it was to feel more confident, or to feel like another person? Did you ever feel like this?

29 reactions 11 comments
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Telling myself “I am loved” feels so foreign and my mind won’t stop negating it with “Yeah right stop lying”#selfhatred

30 reactions 10 comments
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Emotional Reactivity/Self-Hatred

I hate reacting so strongly to stupid things. I want to stop because it just adds to the list of reasons why I hate myself. How do I stop this before it's too late? The emotional reactivity I mean. I know part of it is BPD but I feel like part of it is me. I can't list any reasons as to why I hate myself but I guess my emotional reactivity is one reason.

#selfhatred #BPD #Emotions #Relationships

2 reactions 6 comments
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Doubting my abuse

Hi all,
This is my first post. More looking for someone who can relate and give me some advice. I have bipolar I and I’m crashing down from an extended manic episode where I was convinced that the diagnosis was wrong so I started going off my meds. During those “manic months” I wrote a book about the abuse I’ve endured and made a lot of progress around my childhood abuse with EMDR therapy. As I stabilize, I’m going back to doubting myself and all that I’ve been through. I’m blaming myself for distancing from abusers and telling myself I made it all up. I’m embarrassed by my writing, and I’m struggling with thoughts of suicide.
I have a great team of doctors but they don’t get it. No one can explain why being back on meds makes me doubt that the abuse ever occurred, but I feel like I’m losing my mind and stuck in a cycle of self hatred.
Anyone ever experience anything like this? I also have a diagnosis of ptsd but as I accept the bipolar, I all of a sudden don’t believe the ptsd is real.
Any words of wisdom or just relating in general would be so helpful! Thank you 🤍🤍 #BipolarDisorder #CPTSD #SuicidalThoughts #SelfDoubt #selfhatred #NeedSupport

13 comments
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sorry

i never hated to have a plan. except when it have a possible to failed. and idk why i hated this plan inside my head even i know it will succeed when i stick to my plan. #selfhatred #Selfharm #SuicidalThoughts

2 comments
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#Selfharm #SuicidalIdeation

#Selfharm I haven’t hurt myself in a while but the urge is coming back stronger. I feel a mixed bipolar episode coming on and that doesn’t help. Yesterday I put ice on my wrist and drew hearts on myself in an effort to not hurt myself. I am healing from #SexualTrauma and abuse in general. Sometimes I can’t do it anymore. I feel frustrated, hurt, scared and alone. It’s also triggering my #PTSD . It’s putting a strain on my relationship. What can I do? #SuicidalIdeation #selfhatred #Selfharm #TraumaSurvivors

4 comments
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I'm hurting

I am going to counseling for some disturbing things that happened to me when I was younger and in more recent relationships. I opened up about the things that happened but I feel absolutely terrible. All of a sudden, I have every urge to stop eating or to self harm that I used to have in the past. I would reach out to friends, but coincidentally, most of them went out of town for the weekend. I am so tired and in pain. I feel dumb for feeling this way. What happened to me wasn't that bad. I feel weak and pathetic. I feel stupid for even wanting to self-harm as an adult. I'm desperately trying to reach out because I don't want to turn to something unhealthy, so I guess I'm just looking for community? I don't even know.
#Trauma #selfhatred #Selfharm #Depression

10 comments
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Freedom- a poem #Shame #selfhatred #SearchingForPeace

*I did something stupid last night, and now I can’t get out of this shame spiral. I wrote down these words:

This pain in my gut, this noise in my head
Keeps telling me that I’m better off dead.
The shame that’s within keeps eating at me,
I can see only one way for me to be free.

I want to change and become someone better;
But as hard as I try, I can’t break this fetter.
It keeps me shackled to this burden of hate
From all my past doings; I need a clean slate.

Perhaps if I care, perhaps if I try?
Perhaps if I don’t, perhaps if I die?
Is that what it takes to shake off these pains?
To make myself clean, to remove all these stains?

I don’t deserve mercy. I don’t deserve grace.
I don’t deserve peace when I look at this face.
But I can’t help but wonder while looking at me
Is this the best version that I’ll ever be?

Help me someone; I can’t do it alone.
Believe it or not, I’m not made of stone.
Take them away, all these feelings inside.
I don’t know how; believe me I’ve tried.

I do want to be more. I just don’t know what.
When this spiral of shame lives in my gut.
Maybe you can tell me, or better yet show
A different path that might help me know:

I do deserve better. I am not my shame.
I am not my actions. I am not my name.
I am a person with demons, but a person indeed.
A person who finally deserves to be freed.

5 comments