What Social Anxiety Has Looked Like Throughout My Life

Everyone probably has some level of social anxiety, but there are some people who have it so bad it affects their daily functioning. I am one of those people, although my social anxiety has gotten better throughout the years. This is the story of how my social anxiety has impacted my life.

What My Social Anxiety Looked Like as a Young Child

Even as a young child, I was shy and struggled to play with other children. Because of how strange I seemed to other kids due to this, I was bullied, which made my social anxiety even worse. I do remember playing some games with kids when I was really young, but slowly I became more and more withdrawn. Instead of playing with other kids at the playground, as my social anxiety got worse, I would either play on handheld game devices or run around the playground myself while I was in my own imaginary world chasing bad guys.

What My Social Anxiety Looked Like as a Teen

I continued to be bullied during my preteen years, so I shut down even more. I wouldn’t participate in class, and I wouldn’t speak to anyone unless spoken to. When I would give speeches in school, I would be laughed at, and the teachers would do nothing about it. Because of being laughed at, I would forget to mention things during my presentations, which led to lower grades, despite preparing for days before the speech.

My early teenage years were when I experienced my first depression episode. I felt so alone and hopeless. I felt like I had nobody because I couldn’t communicate with others due to my social anxiety. My family wasn’t supportive at all when I was that age, so the only people I had were online friends, most of whom treated me like I was attention-seeking. I began to self-harm as a way to cope with my isolation, depression, and anxiety.

I bounced back from my depression a few times, but it’d come back eventually. I remember I spent the last year of high school depressed and had disordered eating. The kids at school would bully me for my weight, so I would starve myself. No matter how much weight I lost, though, they would still bully me. I was such an outsider.

I didn’t really have any close friends in person during these years because I couldn’t get close enough to anyone. I continued to be bullied even worse. At one point, I was bullied literally every second of every school day. The school would do nothing for my bullying, even when my mother went to the guidance counselor to
report it.

The internet was my refuge. My social anxiety didn’t impact me nearly as much online as it did in person. I made friends from all over the world who went through similar things to me. They knew me more than anyone else did. I am so grateful for the internet.

What My Social Anxiety Looked Like as a Young Adult

I continued to be a socially anxious person well into my young adult years. I got my first job when I was about to turn 21, and I couldn’t connect with anyone. I only spoke to people when spoken to and couldn’t really make friends. Again, I turned to my online friends to help me cope.

I also started college around this time, and that’s when I met Jon online. We started out as online friends, but it quickly turned romantic. He was so kind and handsome (well, still is; I’m with him after nine years). We would video chat nightly and talk about everything from our pets to how our families were doing. In a few months, we were in a relationship together, and the next year we met in person.

Meeting Jon in person was the most amazing but also the most anxiety-inducing moment of my life. I think the anxiety just added to the excitement, though. I felt like I was on top of the world when I first met him at the airport. We gave each other a big hug, and then he spent the week at our house. A few months later, he moved in. We did have a hiccup in our relationship a few years into it where we broke up temporarily (thanks to my bipolar disorder acting up), but we got back together once I recovered from a bad manic episode. We realized we were never
meant to be apart, and he moved back in. Since then, our relationship has grown stronger. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I remember how hard it was at first to call him and video chat with him. I was so nervous! I had a hard time even pressing the button to accept his call, but I pushed myself and finally did it.

Despite how I pushed through my anxiety while meeting him, I still struggled with anxiety in other situations. I got a job cleaning an office building, and I wouldn’t even acknowledge other people unless they spoke to me. I couldn’t make phone calls, not even important ones. I received several calls from an insurance company regarding a car crash I was involved in and never answered a single one.

Toward the end of my young adult years, I decided to try therapy online, since I was too socially anxious to do therapy in person. It mostly consisted of text chat, but it proved immensely helpful. I started off gradually with exposing myself to social situations; it started with being able to look at people as I was walking by. Then, I could make eye contact with them. Eventually, I was even able to say hi to my coworkers without them saying anything to me first!

Next, I tackled phone calls. This was very hard for me, because I can’t see the other
person’s body language. Eventually, after making so many phone calls, I became a pro at it! I felt so proud of myself. I would occasionally have other people make calls for me when I wasn’t feeling up to it, but most of the time I did it myself!

What My Social Anxiety Looks Like Now (mid-to-late 20s)

After a few years of therapy, I am finally able to start conversations with people. It
took so long to get to this point. It feels so good to talk to people. I have started to love other people more and enjoy social situations.

My progress isn’t perfect, though. I’ve noticed recently I am starting to regress
some. I have an important phone call I’ve been putting off for weeks, and I also started struggling asking for help at work when I really need it. My social anxiety is one of the many factors that played into my recent resignation at a job I enjoyed. I had other reasons for quitting, but the social anxiety definitely made things a lot worse for me there. Most of my reasons were related to mental health, which I had to put first before any job. I am now looking for a job that is more suitable for my mental health and will probably go back into cleaning work, which actually helps my anxiety.

I know my social anxiety is never going to fully disappear. I realize everyone has some level of social anxiety, but maybe someday I will get enough control over it that it won’t cause problems with functioning. I feel hopeful, because I’ve made so much progress already.