My husband finally opened up to me tonight that the problems we’ve been experiencing for the last 9ish months stems from me changing my mind about having kids and him realizing that he’s been subconsciously pushing me away ever since I told him. I believe that me changing my mind about something so monumental gives him the right to change his mind about being in this marriage. I would never want him to miss out on being a father because I don’t think I want (or am too fearful to even attempt) to be a mom. I love him enough to let him go be with someone who isn’t sick and can give him everything he wants in life, but I don’t really understand why I should stay alive if our marriage ends. It has nothing to do with needing a man or being afraid of being alone, it’s just that I only really stay alive for him. I don’t want him to suffer the trauma of losing his wife to suicide, but if we divorce, the most logical thing to do in my mind is to end my own suffering once and for all. I know this is my depression talking and blah blah blah but I’m just sick of my illness ruining every single good thing I’ve ever had in my life. I just want to be done with it all.
#Depression #BipolarDisorder #SuicidalIdeation #venting #Anxiety #Sorryforthelongpost #ThanksForListening #CheckInWithMe