I cannot change history. However, since history repeats itself… I can and will re-write it starting TODAY
My dear warriors,
This is the start of my journey where I pro-actively work towards being responsive and not reactive.
The lessons learnt since leaving a 12year old marriage to a covert narcissist have been applied to the best of my ability, mainly in being able to recognise early red flags and walking away most times. I have however since allowed myself to accept bad treatment in the early stages until I was 100% sure that the bad treatment was in fact embedded in the other’s personality and not a human mistake.
I know… this screams Codependency!
The words I wrote in my book(not-yet published), the same words which profoundly highlight my level of codependency “I have not been single since the age of 14, other than for a couple of months or so”; this statement resonates in the abyss of my subconscious and it haunts me.
See I do not only flit from one relationship/situationship to another, but I still attract or find myself attracted to toxic, abusive and emotionally unavailable partners. Replaying the trauma each time within a different setting, like a moth to a flame running towards its demise!
Truth me told: I am sick of it. I am sickened by it.
Codependency!!! My experience, sadly defined by my addiction to Toxicity, enabling poor behaviour and bad treatment as well as a perseverance in saving that which should never be salvaged!
Knowledge is power! I spent years educating myself on the Dark Triad personalities. Understanding my family dynamics helped to unveil the source of my codependency. Building boundaries which are solid enough to keep out the merely interested but still crumble when challenged by personalities of the Dark Triad.
Mesmerised, hypnotised… I fall hard with all of my being laying opened to their manipulation. I liken it to Mind Control. However hypnotists will tell you, hypnosis only works if one is open to it!
Why am I still open to it? This is deep. Deeper than my thoughts and emotions, this resides in the dark alleys of my subconscious.
And just like that, just like a broken spell; once the mask falls off and the monster’s hideous face is revealed… I see his claws, his hatred for me and so; I walk away before it’s too late singing my-readaptation of the Britney Spears song
“Oops I did it again
Let you play with my heart, got lost in your game
Oops I thought it was LOVE
That you were sent from above
But you’re far from innocent”
Walk away! With chipped pieces of my heart and mind and at times with a soul which has been penetrated and obscured by pure evil.
So I start the inner chat again… It wasn’t real. He is a wolf dressed in sheep’s clothes. That was abuse. Good job girl!!! For recognising the projection, gaslighting, agressivity, attempt at triangulation. You saw it and you left it!