Codependency

Hey my fellow Bordis🌻

Disclaimer: English is not my native language.

I guess some of you already read this question or maybe questioned themselves. In my case this question followed me for a long time and now again out of a Situation that happened lately. There are many articles about how to have a relationship with a BPD Partner or that people with BPD are manipulative partners. I´ve seen one article that shows the otherside, where it explains why many people with BPD choose or feel attracted to destructive partners.

Maybe some of you wanna share some thoughts or experience on this question🙃

My Experience:

Disclaimer: My experience is not meant to generalize nor to devalue drug addicts as bad people. Its my subjective experience.

I´m in therapy and we already worked on my past abusive and codependent relationships. Yes, I have the tendencie too choose poor Partners, mostly which have a drug addiction or a relapsed addiction. No, I don´t have a drug addiction. Since then, I´m Single for a year now and I´m doing good. I finally managed to focus on myself and my healing journey and not on a relationship. But now a guy came up and showed interest. He has all the traits of a poor partner and he´s definetly not my type. After the conversation we had, I was splitting back and forth. Its like: `Dont do it, its gonna end bad like the other ones´ AND `he likes me and it feels good, I wanna feel good and loved´. I got so many positive emotions at once during the conversation as if I got high on them and I forgot all the hard work I had in therapy. On top I started to feel attracted to him which also scared me. This whole chaos on emotions and thoughts got me nearly to a relapse on self harming, so to get it all out of my head. Gladly I could avoid the relapse with my coping skills. This showed me that the danger still exists, that I choose a poor partner and fall back in a destructive relationship. It kind of scares me and annoys me at the same time.

What experiences did you have?

#Codependency #Relationships #BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPDrelationship

My dear warriors,

This is the start of my journey where I pro-actively work towards being responsive and not reactive.

The lessons learnt since leaving a 12year old marriage to a covert narcissist have been applied to the best of my ability, mainly in being able to recognise early red flags and walking away most times. I have however since allowed myself to accept bad treatment in the early stages until I was 100% sure that the bad treatment was in fact embedded in the other’s personality and not a human mistake.

I know… this screams Codependency!

The words I wrote in my book(not-yet published), the same words which profoundly highlight my level of codependency “I have not been single since the age of 14, other than for a couple of months or so”; this statement resonates in the abyss of my subconscious and it haunts me.

See I do not only flit from one relationship/situationship to another, but I still attract or find myself attracted to toxic, abusive and emotionally unavailable partners. Replaying the trauma each time within a different setting, like a moth to a flame running towards its demise!

Truth me told: I am sick of it. I am sickened by it.

Codependency!!! My experience, sadly defined by my addiction to Toxicity, enabling poor behaviour and bad treatment as well as a perseverance in saving that which should never be salvaged!

Knowledge is power! I spent years educating myself on the Dark Triad personalities. Understanding my family dynamics helped to unveil the source of my codependency. Building boundaries which are solid enough to keep out the merely interested but still crumble when challenged by personalities of the Dark Triad.

Mesmerised, hypnotised… I fall hard with all of my being laying opened to their manipulation. I liken it to Mind Control. However hypnotists will tell you, hypnosis only works if one is open to it!

Why am I still open to it? This is deep. Deeper than my thoughts and emotions, this resides in the dark alleys of my subconscious.

And just like that, just like a broken spell; once the mask falls off and the monster’s hideous face is revealed… I see his claws, his hatred for me and so; I walk away before it’s too late singing my-readaptation of the Britney Spears song

“Oops I did it again
Let you play with my heart, got lost in your game
Oops I thought it was LOVE
That you were sent from above
But you’re far from innocent”

Walk away! With chipped pieces of my heart and mind and at times with a soul which has been penetrated and obscured by pure evil.

So I start the inner chat again… It wasn’t real. He is a wolf dressed in sheep’s clothes. That was abuse. Good job girl!!! For recognising the projection, gaslighting, agressivity, attempt at triangulation. You saw it and you left it!

The burning question still remains… why fall for it in the first place? #Abuse #Codependency #subconscious #Healing #Trauma

Sometimes, she makes mistakes, forgets her meds or just wakes up feeling scared and uncertain, pain and uncertainty overtake her.

Friends grow weary, old lovers wonder what happened and how did agreed upon friendship flip to insanity?

It’s hard to be human. It’s hard to make mistakes. But with faith and love she rises up back from the ashes, and searches to see what friends remain, who still has her back, and what around her has not yet been totally destroyed, by the ‘her’ that was not her.

Faith and love remain, for everyone.. that may still receive her love, and quiet respect remains for those who do not.

Nobody owes her their forgiveness… nobody owes her the right to be part of her life… but she owes them the right to choose, the right to be, and the right to move on however they choose.

For in an act of living amends, she is writing this as an apology to all, whom she has hurt, disregarded, or otherwise shut out through her moments of unhealthy being. May you be well. May you be healthy. May you be happy. May you be blessed. Amen.

If calling someone out or responding in anger to those who were rude, toxic, or neglectful in your life caused the ’relationship’ (if you shall call it that) to end, was it really worth having them in your life to begin with?

Just because someone plasters a fake smile in your presence, may have generously gave material items in the past, or even shared personal time and friendship with you…doesn’t mean they are for you today.

Old romanitic relationship are kind of similiar, in that regard.. It’s easy to ‘beat ourselves up’ because we were not ‘perfect enough’ for that other person, friend, family member, romantic partner, or even that ideal job you wanted.

But here this!!!! You are not better than or less than anyone! We are all equal before God or in the presense of this Universe. Sure there is so much that seems like it gets in the way of seeing that clearly, but it’s true!

Pray for those that hurt you. Forgive those who walked away. Move on, and find your new love, friend, family beyond blood, and if your lucky even an entire tribe of folks who love you for you.

Letting go…of “what was” or “what you thought you needed” may be the first step, in entering into the life God predestined for you! Or if you’re atheist, the life scientifically proven to be meant for you. 😉

*selah* rest on that today God Bless!

This Pinterest post has been replaying in my head like an old skipping record. I’m understanding my narcissist husband more and more while recovering from foot surgery. I’m more entrenched and stuck in path of life than ever before. #Codependency #borderlinepersonality